Thursday, December 5, 2013

At the risk of sounding like a lunatic...

I'm going to lay this out there....

As little one so generously shared, I quit taking my depression pills. With that said, I have been emotional, dizzy, and unfocused. I am hoping that these things will settle down as time passes. I have had a few rough days of what I now recognize as irrational thoughts that only come along when I try to get off of my anti-depressant. I have these tapes that play in my head....'you don't really fit in anywhere, your an imposter and if everyone knew what you really are like, they wouldn't want you around,' and my life long running message....'you aren't good enough and you never will be.' Such vicious messages and I wonder where they originate from. I mean gosh....we all know that I'm pretty ok! lol

The good news is that I am not depressed...believe it or not. I really am doing fine. When these messages were running through my mind (and heart) and making me feel awful, I did some positive self-talk about what the reality was vs. what my mind was telling me. I told myself (in my head, not out-loud! lol) that these thoughts were just my brains reaction to stopping my anti-depressant. They aren't true. Then I reminded myself of my family and friends who love me and messages they have given to me and that I have a long history of that life and those experiences, vs these ugly thoughts that have no life experiences to back them up. I had to do it a few times each day for about 3-4 days.....but its better the past few days. I feel like my withdrawal is now more physical then emotional. I am a little scattered, and get dizzy occasionally. I have never made it this far. In the past once "the voices" started in, I would get right back to taking it. Also, its a low dose....sort of a maintenance dose, but I've been on it for about 10 years! My dr would double my mg when things were bad with my girl, but I haven't needed that in a very long time. Not because life is perfect....but because I think I learned some coping skills along the way that have helped me to not sink into a pit of despair every time it all took a turn for the worse.

I am going to keep at this for awhile. If it doesn't work, I can always go back to taking them. But I want to try it at least. If I am able to drop this med, that means I am totally med free and I like that for as long as that is possible.

Soooo, on to other life events....My last night working nights was Monday. This is the first time in 10 years that I am not working at night. I hope it can last a few weeks at least! One of my very ill Hospice clients is planning on when her night care will begin and will I be available for that?! Of course I will....this sweet little woman.

So in being home, it quickly became apparent to me why I work so much....other than the money. This is an adjustment. Everything at work is neat and tidy, my clients are happy that I am there and I get to be in charge and do things the way I like them done and they stay done...because my clients are bed ridden or not strong enough to mess anything up! lol

 At home.....not so much! I have to compromise, and allow room for messes, and dishes to be done in the morning vs the evening....if I'm not doing them, what do I care?! There is noise and interruptions and it doesn't feel like a smooth flow....because there are 3 of us here trying to do what we want, and paying attention to the stuff that is important to each of us as individuals. I feel like II am about to have a big growing experience.

The dad had times in our marriage when he had to work out of town all week and would come home on the weekends. The kids were much smaller and I was pregnant off and on for some of that time. When he came home, there was a period of adjusting....I had been in charge, running the show all week. Then there he was and he wanted to have an opinion...yeah, I don't think so! (That was during my martyr phase....Im sure I was a joy to live with.) I remember that it took us awhile to learn the cycle, the flow of the comings and goings.....but it happened eventually. We got the hang of it and I know we will now too. 

Lastly....the dad and I watched Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead on Netflix. So today began our modified juice fast. This morning's delicious concoction was 2 cups kale, 2 cups spinach, 4 ribs of celery, half a cucumber, 1 apple, and half a lemon. All thrown into the juicer....minus the lemon. I had to use a different thingy for that....but it was good. We can snack on raw almonds and add in things like vegetables and  protein if we get really hungry. Its kind of reminiscent of the Whole 30 Challenge.

Wish us luck!

I am praying for all of our Loves.....and us!

Love to all....


Anonymous said...

I'm excited to hear how the juicing is going. I'm a big green smoothie/ juice person and feel so much better when I'm eating clean. I bet you will, too. Not that you asked but another good recipe is 1 green apple, a handful of cilantro, one lemon, peeled and 1 cup coconut water. It's so fresh! Super cleansing and detoxifying. Again, not that you asked, lol.

Mary Christine said...

Good luck with the fast and the withdrawal. I'll keep you in my prayers.

SoberMomWrites said...

As to the shake....eeeewwwwww....
(We don't have a juicer but I'm thiking of getting one - I'll ask you for recipes when I do.)

As to the depression. You already know my take on that. Be careful and listen to your family. If they tell you you need to go back on them then go - sometimes when we're in the middle of it we can't see it. But GIRL - bravo for the positive self-talk!!! It takes a lot of courage to take on the voices in our heads that play an infinite loop of crap and you are doing it! I'm so impressed!!! Squash those damn voices for yourself and the rest of us who struggle with the bitches.

I know what you mean about the routine thing. I worked from home for about 12 years while the hubs worked out of the house 9-5 (ish). I ran everything. House was clean. Dinner on the table every night. Took care of my mom. Did all the grocery shopping. Paid the bills. (Yes - I'm a control freak.) I GOT IT DONE.

Then he retired and was home 24/7. Uh-oh. Let's just say that I never could adjust. I'm now in an office in our city working and he's at home taking care of things. We're adjusting to a different way. He's figuring out what I need in terms of the house in order to be happy, and I'm learning to let go a little. The Queen's not visiting any time soon so no one cares if there's toothpaste in my bathroom sink for more than 24 hours.

Wow...I'm long winded today! Have a great weekend and keep me posted on the juicing thing!


Grace-WorkinProgress said...

When my depression lifted every time I had an uncomfortable emotion I freaked out I thought I was slipping back. Once a friend told me "you don't expect to feel happy all the time do you?" I thought that was a good point.

Good Luck with the lime green stuff.

John Burns said...

Well, I hope you feel better soon. Stopping any medication usually takes some adjusting to. And good luck with that juice diet!

Signe said...

To me, reading this, you don't sound depressed. I felt like you sound more nervous about 'being on your own' so to speak. Though I am not inside your head, I think you will be fine. In all truth, I think we all have those negative voices visiting us from time to time. Your positive self talk is the healthy ammo that helps defeat the negative. It's a slow process, retraining your brain and your thinking. I believe you are going to be okay, just be patient and continue moving forward. :)