My sponsor sent me a link to a new job. It is a secretary job for an outdoor education school near where I live. I went to the website and looked it up and its a "real" job with benefits and paid time off and a boss and my own desk. Like I fill out an application, I have to take written, verbal, and computer tests, I have to pass levels to make it to the interview process. When I got to the page where I had to enter my education....which is my beautiful and quite grand I might add, high school diploma.....I freaked out!
My sponsor was of the opinion that I am "capable of so much more." But I love what I do. I feel like its important and I am fine with it....proud of it even. I love its flexibility and I love all of my clients. I started texting the dad and he, thinking he was being encouraging, told me to go ahead and apply. I took that and jumped right to the idea that he wants me to make more money, do something more stable, be a grown up!
I emailed my sponsor several times, obsessing. I decided I would apply and just walk through each door as it opened. I thought of how if by some miracle I did make it to the interview process, I wouldn't really be nervous because I really don't care if I get the job or not. I have never ever in all of my life considered being a secretary.
I was unsettled all day....thinking that what I do is worthless, but that I had built it up in my head to compensate for the lack of skills it really does take.
The dad sent some reassuring texts, very kind that made me cry. Saying things like I am capable of so many things, that is true, but not everyone can do what I do, and especially do it well.
I talked to my dear friend whose also a caregiver....and she said, "Annette, you are the best caregiver I know. You working in an office would be a waste of all of your wonderful natural skills. I can't even imagine it."
I finally confessed to the dad that I am terrified to apply. But I will because I hate to be afraid of anything and the only way to not be afraid is to walk through it. He told me I don't need to face this fear, unless I really want to. He is fine with whatever I want to do, where ever I want to work....and being a secretary probably wouldn't be very fulfilling to me....YES! (No offense to any secretaries who read here.)
The bigger picture here is that one little well meaning idea rocked my entire sense of self, and my world for an entire day.
The final conclusion....I am not applying, I am going to continue to do what I am happy doing. If I ever changed jobs it would still be in the geriatric world. If I was younger I would go back to school to be a social worker or a senior advocate. But I'm not younger, so I will continue with what I have until it needs to change.
And to my sponsor, if you read this....I love you! These were my issues....you did nothing wrong by sharing that information with me.
Ok, I'm taking my neurotic self upstairs to get ready for another night of work. BTW, my night job ends Nov. 30. I will then have a regular daytime schedule like a normal person. I can hardly wait. This will be the first time in 10 years that I haven't worked at night. When I homeschooled (I know....scary) night work was perfect, but now little one is in full time school AT school, so now day work is better.
Whew.....what a day.