Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Ways that we are changed......

I have read several posts and comments lately about how the addictions of our children have changed us forever. I have never given that any thought to be honest.....but I guess thats true. I am certainly a different woman and mother and wife than I was 10 years ago prior to all of *this.*

As my readers know so well, I have my triggers and my fears.....but I think that through all of this, I learned it was either sink or swim, so I started swimming! Fast and hard. I am not who I was 10 years ago....a fear driven crazy woman. My faith has sustained me in some very deep ways.  My faith and my relationship with God has grown and become so solid because when I felt that my world was crumbling all around me, those things were right there to catch me. They didn't let me free fall very far before I was grabbed up in the gentle hands of Jesus Himself. *For the most part* I am not afraid anymore. As in I don't live in that scary place every minute of every day. I am not angry, or depressed, or without hope anymore. I am tired though.

I cry a lot, not necessarily because I am sad....but stuff touches me. The broken finding love, compassion, and acceptance undoes me. Seeing someone's fear, hearing the stories of people who have been through God only knows what walk out their recovery day by day, humbly and without fanfare, seeing someone extend a hand to those who are marginalized, dirty, seemingly without worth...when they are seen just for being a person, flawed and broken like us all....those kinds of things do something to my insides. I want more of that in my world.

I am one of those crazy one's who is incredibly and miraculously grateful for all that I have gone through. I pray for my girl's healing now. If she can make it, like all of our kids, she will have some incredible hope to share with others. They each will have their own beautiful story of redemption to share. I hope for that day. I look forward to it.

All is not lost when addiction touches, not just touches, but encompasses our lives for a time. It is ONE OF THE MOST PAINFUL and life changing things a parent, a family, can go through, but I believe wholly and completely that good can come from the devastation. We can find new life with meaning and substance. We can understand hurt people, we can live emotionally healthy lives with boundaries in place, but still have open hearts.

Lord sustain us all.
Annette

“Only after disaster can we be resurrected.”
― Chuck Palahniuk (Fight Club)



13 comments:

amy said...

I am just learning how addiction not only affected my life, but also affected all of my people. (My at home family- husband and boys) The journey is so damn hard some days. I think that's why I really need some spirituality in my life- I need than unseen force here with me all the time. I cry a lot too! Sometimes suddenly, without warning. I've learned to feel like that's OK- my heart gets big sometimes. :)

xoxoxo

Honey said...

I am so grateful for finding your blog Annette. You have no idea about this, but six out of seven days a week, reading what you have been so generous to share, is my 'meeting".
Today, I felt like I had to comment because I too feel incredibly touched when I witness those that seem the most marginalized being the benefactors of some sort of compassionate act. I am often brought to tears by these things. When I was a younger woman, I thought I was too weak and that I needed to "insulate" myself from those situations. My husband also doesn't understand - sigh.
Thank you for sharing Annette!

SoberMomWrites said...

Now you've made me cry...and with all the happy drugs I'm on...that's not easy!

Bless you and your girl for walking this journey so that others can learn. I know that was never the intent, but I think you are a true blessing to many.

Sherry

Dad and Mom said...

Very good post, no, great post. Thank you for writing this Annette.

None of us are alone in this.

Signe said...

"All is not lost..." I think that is the most profound truth I have learned in this journey. In the beginning, I was already convinced that life was over for my daughter. I've calmed down a lot since then. There is always hope has replaced that fear. Thanks for writing this, Annette. :)

mary christine said...

I cannot imagine life before alcoholism/addiction affected me, because there has never been a time.

I also cry a lot. I think it is good. Most people don't appreciate it though.

notmyboy said...

I too am a weepy mess most of the time. It isn't because I'm sad. It is more because I feel so much. Everything touches me now. Everything! I cry at songs on the radio. I cry at sad and happy news. If I'm not crying, I'm carrying around the lump in my chest that is just begging me to cry. I have most assuredly been forever changed by addiction...mostly for the better.

Annette said...

So its safe to say that we are all criers now...
I like the way "notmyboy" put it....she feels so much. That is it. I feel so so much.

Hattie Heaton said...

You chose hope. You could have chosen despair. And because you did, God changed you into the beautiful soul that we all have come to know here.

beachteacher said...

Yes - it's true ,...however much we used to feel,..we feel more now- especially for others we meet along our life's path.

John Burns said...

Great post, Annette! All in not lost at all. And there is always hope. And we are with you to help you through this. I hope your child recovers well.

Anonymous said...

I know from my experience that I am less judgmental of others -- I now feel that unless I have walked in their shoes, I don't know what a person is going through and therefore, must not judge. Thank you for your blog

Syd said...

A powerful post. I realize that all my life has been spent with alcoholism rearing its ugly head. Even in recovery, there are difficulties. But we have survived and with the help of our recovery programs have come to love each other more than ever.