A week or so ago I wrote about our day doing errands, getting tickets taken care of, going to court and how frazzling it all was. A blogger friend reminded me of how fragile our spirits are in new sobriety. This fresh new life of busyness....managing the house of rehab, daily meetings, out-patient, dentist visits, and all of the in's and out's that those include...like washed meeting cards, is a lot for a newly clean person. Most extreme addicts aren't functioning well while in their addiction. They are numbing themselves, escaping, avoiding, hiding, and I don't know about your addicted Loves, but mine had that down to a fine tuned science.
I once heard a sober priest (Father Tom W.) speaking at an AA/Alanon conference and he shared that new sobriety is like walking around out in the world without your clothes on. Your nerve endings are raw and exposed and just the air on them feels like fire. You don't know how to respond or what to feel.....other than the involuntary panic that rises up in your throat threatening to smother you.
That is life for my girl right now. She is continuing on and I am staying out of it. I think she is ok. Its just hard. If she texts me, I answer. I tell her I love her, that she is strong and can do this even if its just a few minutes at a time. I remind her that she isn't used to "feeling" and it takes some getting used to. Its like working out....you have to feel what is there today to feel, and you will be a little stronger tomorrow and it won't be as hard. The next day will be a bit better, and the next and the next.
As to me, I have had some old feelings of fear rise up. I put her into God's hands, I remind myself that this is a big world that my girl is living in. She is surrounded by recovery right now. *I* am not the answer to what ails her. No matter how much I want things to go a certain way.....it is out of my hands.
Day by day, we are walking forward as separate individuals, working our own individual programs.
With that said.....I had my third visit with my therapist. I told her today I want to get on with it. No chatting about trivial stuff. My homework this week is to notice and write out my "self messages in regards to my value and self worth." Oh shit. I can't stand that sort of thing.....however, her point and she is right, was that I am all about compassion for everyone else, allowing others, nurturing others to feel great love and care. Something about it making me feel important or worthwhile or something. lol I want to give it, but I can't receive it. Why? That is a question for another day. We did decide that since my mom has gone on, my girl is relatively well, the other kids are ok, my marriage is not in any need of immediate tending to......its my turn.
Bless you for reading here my friends.