Thursday, October 10, 2013

Raw

A week or so ago I wrote about our day doing errands, getting tickets taken care of, going to court and how frazzling it all was. A blogger friend reminded me of how fragile our spirits are in new sobriety. This fresh new life of busyness....managing the house of rehab, daily meetings, out-patient, dentist visits, and all of the in's and out's that those include...like washed meeting cards, is a lot for a newly clean person. Most extreme addicts aren't functioning well while in their addiction. They are numbing themselves, escaping, avoiding, hiding, and I don't know about your addicted Loves, but mine had that down to a fine tuned science.

I once heard a sober priest (Father Tom W.) speaking at an AA/Alanon conference and he shared that new sobriety is like walking around out in the world without your clothes on. Your nerve endings are raw and exposed and just the air on them feels like fire. You don't know how to respond or what to feel.....other than the involuntary panic that rises up in your throat threatening to smother you.

That is life for my girl right now. She is continuing on and I am staying out of it. I think she is ok. Its just hard. If she texts me, I answer. I tell her I love her, that she is strong and can do this even if its just a few minutes at a time. I remind her that she isn't used to "feeling" and it takes some getting used to. Its like working out....you have to feel what is there today to feel, and you will be a little stronger tomorrow and it won't be as hard. The next day will be a bit better, and the next and the next.

As to me, I have had some old feelings of fear rise up. I put her into God's hands, I remind myself that this is a big world that my girl is living in. She is surrounded by recovery right now. *I* am not the answer to what ails her. No matter how much I want things to go a certain way.....it is out of my hands.

Day by day, we are walking forward as separate individuals, working our own individual programs.

With that said.....I had my third visit with my therapist. I told her today I want to get on with it. No chatting about trivial stuff. My homework this week is to notice and write out my "self messages in regards to my value and self worth." Oh shit. I can't stand that sort of thing.....however, her point and she is right, was that I am all about compassion for everyone else, allowing others, nurturing others to feel great love and care. Something about it making me feel important or worthwhile or something. lol I want to give it, but I can't receive it. Why? That is a question for another day. We did decide that since my mom has gone on, my girl is relatively well, the other kids are ok, my marriage is not in any need of immediate tending to......its my turn.

Bless you for reading here my friends.
Annette

9 comments:

Sheri said...

It is so hard to remember that even though they were inside of us for 9 months, they truly are separate individuals. As Kahlil Gibran says :
"Your children are not your children.
They are the son's and daughters of life's longing for itself.
They come through you, but not from you
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you
You can give them your love but not your thoughts
For they have their own thoughts
You may house their bodies but not their souls
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow
which you cannot visit, even in your dreams
You may strive to be like them
but seek not to make them like you
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday
You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so he loves the bow that is stable"

Love you my blogger friend!

Liz said...

Dear Annette,
Thank you so much for helping me to understand what it's like for an addict in the early stages of recovery. Most of us do not understand how difficult it is for them and think that once they are detoxed and clean, they will bounce right back to 'normal'. My girl has been clean for several months now and I am only just getting a clue as to how she must have been feeling.
Thank you so much!

SoberMomWrites said...

Take your turn my friend...it's important.

Sherry

Annette said...

Sheri, that was beautiful. Thank you for sharing that with me. <3

Hattie Heaton said...

I just finished "Healing the Child Within" It is really good and really supports 12 step programs. Give it a try.

Signe said...

I think taking care of yourself is a wonderful idea. Enjoy the rediscovering.:)

Kali said...

I have been reading your blog.... thank you for being open and sharing.... You are in my prayers! Check out my blog at thegirlinthemirror96.blogspot.com !
Thanks again for sharing!
Kali

dawn said...

I'm always endeared, Annett4e, by how much you seemingly "get" addiction and recovery. While I know you would never write "I know what she's going through, you do have keen insight into many of the dynamics. I hope your daughter does not underestimate your knowledge. She appears to reach out to you at every turn; you are blessed.

Yup, this is a precarious phase to one's recovery. Some days the women I work with (out-patient, aftercare, and sober living groups) just want to cry for an hour or so. Using was always so easy, such an immediate elixir to THIS CHALLENGING LIFE IN FRONT OF US,, typical responsibilities and expectations for the long-term sober person, or the normy, seem mundane. But for the newly recovering addict, this stuff is really really frustrating. Only the strong survive; that's just the facts of it.

So to have a mom with such wisdom and vicarious empathy - wow,, what a gift!!!

Rest easy in the day. Easy not to project. This can be a challenge as you've had many disappointments and let downs. There are no guarantees, as you well know. But prayer is the answer. Ohhhh, there is power in prayer.

So, while she's finding her way. again. we pray. and keep keepin on - which I happen to think you are doing remarkably. cheers! great job

Syd said...

I think that you deserve your turn. Take it and live it. It will nourish you.