Can it be? I think I may be feeling a calm contentment today.
Signe's comment on my last nasty complaining post really touched me.
" I love that she was placed in your path. Someone who is so in tune with
herself and others that you pray for her instead of crushing her
I hope I can live up to the faith that you have in my abilities for kindness, rather than spirit crushing. Some days it can be debatable.
My work schedule is ridiculous right now, thanks to my own doing. I am in fear of the night job ending as that is my main source of income.....other than what my husband makes that has kept us afloat for nearly 30 years! It definitely takes the two of us to keep us afloat anymore though. Since it is fairly certain that the night job will end in the not too distant future, I have been taking on more day work. Thus, I am working both night and day right now!
I met with a woman today who is in Hospice and has cancer. She is not afraid of her journey and it was a tremendous blessing to meet with her today. Her house is filled with books and we immediately connected and spent a good hour talking and laughing and sharing stories. Book lovers, animal lovers, women of a faith of some sort, mountain dwellers...we had a lot in common. I will begin with her next week, 2 days a week. She told me that she can take care of everything herself... but she is getting tired. She is mid-washing and drying all of her summer clothes and packing them into boxes for the thrift store, "as I won't be needing them again and I don't want my kids left with all of this to tend to." So over the next weeks we will work together to pack up her life and disperse it where she would like it to go as she prepares to make her journey. I am always humbled and amazed when I get the honor of walking with another soul, through to the end.
My girl is coming home for a visit for a couple days, after she "supervise the park visits and then meet with my sponsor." Molly may be home to put together a photo collage for her very best childhood friend's birthday, whom she will be flying to celebrate the big day with. We will be doggie sitting "the girls" as the boyfriends aunt died and he is flying home to be with his family the same week. I found the perfect little red riding hood costume for 5.00 for little one. Big brother has been calling and texting asking for sizes and ideas for Christmas gifts. How can my mid 20's son be more on top of Christmas than I am?!
I am reading the ACA big red book and so much is making sense for me. Like that I keep my schedule filled to the brim because I am used to chaos and stress...so I create it, and what can be more noble than creating it by doing something useful like working? I have been reading about ACA's need to be needed... it validates their worth for them. I think of my work. My work is not all selfless giving and thinking only of others....I receive a lot of adoration and gratitude for what I do. I thrive on that stuff! I love to be adored! lol I have some clients who pour it on thick, they make sure to have the cream I like in the fridge and the coffee going in the morning.....I would walk over hot rocks for them. The others.....not so much.
Of course we all like to be appreciated and loved and in happy relationships. But when I have a client who treats me like the hired help (which technically, I am) I can't let it affect my mood, or my feelings of worth and joy. Those need to be coming from some other place.
So many areas being addressed there.....the need to be the victim and then vacillating between ultra responsible and taking on way too many responsibilities, only to collapse into a fit of anger and rage because you are doing too much. Then you are able to be the victim again. "Look at all I am doing! Doesn't anyone care that I am working myself to the bone?!" (The martyrish victim at that.) I CAN relate to that I hate to admit! Except now if I pull any of that....my kids and hubs have learned enough to answer with, "Well, I think you chose to do all of that. You are always free to stop at whatever point you would like." No one scurries around anymore trying to make me happy....thank GOD they have found their own path of health.
Ok, I am off to share Alanon in our mental health unit. We took a long break....my partner was in a car accident. She is ok now. We changed our meeting time to the evening and its been so wonderful! The patients are engaged and happy to see us and participate. Most of the time. If its an off night, thats ok too. We just keep coming back.
Lord have mercy.....