Sunday, September 1, 2013

Whew! I think I'm feeling better......

What a week this has been! I think I am feeling better. I have walked 2 days in a row and have a walking/coffee date with my BFF tomorrow morning on my way home from work. I am so relieved that it is NOT my schedule that was doing this to me. I was really beginning to worry....what was I going to do? But the thought did occur to me that I have had this schedule for most of the summer and didn't feel this way until I started this diet. However, once I send this post off, I am heading upstairs for a nap. I walked 5.3 miles this morning with a dear Alanon friend and then did a huge grocery shopping.  Two things that I will be adding back into my diet once these 30 days is up, is greek yogurt and beans and legumes...I can't imagine going all winter without lentil or split pea soup, and black beans are so good on salads.

Mary Christine...LOL, thanks for checking in! I love meat, so thats not a problem for me. If my energy comes back full force like it used to be, than I can see doing this long term with some modifications. My legs felt like cement though and that will never do. We have stairs everywhere in our house and outside. I felt like crawling up them! Not to mention that I am busy 90% of my life!

Yesterday our girl had a day pass and the dad brought her home for a few hours. It was a nice day. She has gained weight and looks so good. Clothes that were hanging on her can now not be pulled up. I love it. Her skin is looking clearer, her eyes are bright. I will share that this time around I have held out very little hope if any, that she would ever get better. I felt that her addictions had taken too much of a hold on her, it had been too long of a period of time of living in that lifestyle.....God can do anything, but I believe that her part was to respond and she wasn't. I am the eternal optimist and I think I got tired (literally) of always smiling, always saying it would all be ok, forgiving, letting go, minding my own business, only to continue to watch my child slowly kill herself before my very eyes. Its unnatural. What this experience did for me was take me to a deeper level of understanding that it really doesn't matter if I am the greatest cheerleader in the world, if I go to every CoDa meeting, family park day, continue to do drop off's of snacks, face wash, and mascara....or NOT. Her life will head in the direction she takes it in......NO MATTER WHAT I DO. We love her and we will always support recovery... but it is a relief to know that if I choose to not do something its not the end of the world. Her recovery is not pending on my actions. Her recovery is an entity totally separate from ME.

What changed for me with this visit, was that she told me she asked that her name be put into the mix for the two positions as house managers that will need to be filled. I was silent on the outside, but every time I think of it in private I cry. What an amazing answer to prayer, happy thoughts, lighting candles, crossing my fingers and toes, hopping on one foot, rubbing my belly and patting my head, that would be. What an amazing transformation that SHE, on her own, without my direct guidance, chose this and took action to see if it was a workable possibility. We will see....but that she wants this says something. She explained it would keep her "connected in the recovery community" that she is currently in for a longer period of time, she would make a little money....I only replied that that would be a wonderful beginning for her and I "let it go." If its meant to be it will all fall into place and no amount of obsessing I am tempted to fall into, will change anything.

My Molly got a new second job waitressing, dropped all of her classes this semester and is taking a break...the reading in philosophy and sociology did her in. She however, true to form, has an appointment with the counseling office to get the ball rolling to enroll in a chemical abuse counseling certificate program next semester, which is what she has said she has wanted to do since she was a junior in high school. She has my blessing.

Little one has started her school year off feeling great. She has her circle of friends, she is committed to doing well in her academic life and has turned a corner and become very self sufficient and self motivated. She sets her alarm for each morning, makes her breakfast, is clean, dressed, hair is straightened, she has decided that makeup is not her cup of tea, and she is ready to go an hour early, "so I can have time to relax before my day begins." My shy quiet little thing is finding her way and creating her own little path to travel. It has been a big lesson for me that she needs time alone to rejuvenate. After a full week of 6 hours days at school, she has turned down several invitations for sleepovers this weekend, to be at home and have her own Harry Potter marathon......and thanks to all that I have learned through the years, I am ok with that.

Yeah....I'm feeling better. lol

Love to all.....


bugerlugs63 said...

Good, good and more good, real pleased for you Annette and obviously real pleased for H; clear skin, bright eyes, motivated. You must be so happy to see her like this x

Patty D said...

I know that feeling, the one where you finally realize that no matter what YOU do, your loved one's journey does not depend on YOUR efforts. It hurts, becuz you need to feel needed. But its also a relief of sorts, becuz you can let go of a responsibility you took on that wasnt yours to take in the first place. For me, it was a momentous day. It changed my life for the better. It helped me turn my rescuing ability and resources inward, it helped me start to really focus on what was best for me. Its an unfamiliar place to be, but Im beginning to see things clearer, to understand my loved one better, to listen more carefully to her, and to detach with loving kindness, cuz I have accepted thats just who I am...a cheerleader at heart. Gimme an L gimme an O gimme a V and an E!!! Glad your feeling better- your words are very touching. Thank you.

amy said...

"God can do anything, but I believe that her part was to respond and she wasn't." Wow! Yes, yes- that resonated with me big time. The universe sends up offerings, but we don't always take them when we need to. Glad to hear things are getting better.

Grace-WorkinProgress said...

When I read your post I thought about how when I got in the program they said that the people closest to the alcoholic was least likely to help.

I guess we carry too much baggage to help the ones we love. We have to turn them loose to strangers in your case and give them a chance to prove something to themselves.

Sounds like good things are happening.

SoberMomWrites said...

First, I am praying that all is going to be well with your babies. And that you hold on to this little peace of mind you've found with your girl.

I know exactly where you are right now and I proms that it will get better. What really resonated with me was the legs of lead statement. All I could think was YES, YES I felt that way too! Felt so good to hear that someone else experienced that.

I found that increasing my protein helped me through that part.

Keep at it!


Hattie Heaton said...

I love your good news. It gives us all hope. Continuing to pray...

Signe said...

I am so happy to read all of this! What wonderful blessings. :)

dawn said...

Grace (above) wrote "the people closest to the alcoholic was least likely to help." and this is THE truth!! While certain counselors are more effective than others, I always tell family that it is "the client" that makes the difference, the client who submits to "HOW" (honesty open-mindedness willingness) this thing works!!! The counselor just brings the message. That said, this is why I continue to support in-patient long term recovery (for the chronically addicted). This removes the client from those closest, who, yes, often times (more so than not) are the ones keeping the addict sick.

Dr. Phil can send his guests to his (over-rated) spa-like treatment facilities; the success lies wholeheartedly with the client, , Its why so many have gotten sober in dark, dingy, smelly, church basements,. It has nothing to do with aesthetics - its where the heart is at.

So, good on her and good on you all that she looks healthy(er). . I hope she gets the house mngr position and can live there as long as they'll have her. She has a long way to go, but is off on solid footing, ALL THINGS are possible for those who wait on the Lord.
Big MN hugs!!! xxoo