Monday, September 23, 2013

Dreading it....

Ok the closer it gets the more I am dreading going to see the new therapist. I keep making up these rules for myself. I am only going to talk about what has been going on with ME lately. I am not getting into the whole parent of an addict thing. I dread spending the money to be honest.

My ACA big red book and workbook just came in the mail today to work through with my sponsor. I opened them and was totally overwhelmed. I emailed my sponsor and asked her to meet next Monday and told her that my plan was to just start reading the big red book and then meet with her and talk it over. We can start the work book in a couple weeks.

I ordered some progesterone cream to see if that helps level off my emotions, because I am a crying lunatic. What the heck?!

My Molly and I have had a rough couple weeks. We never fight, we never have issues, but all of a sudden we are up to our necks. The relationship is so precious...we are working hard at figuring it all out. Past hurts, current hurts, unmet expectations on my part.....and yes, I know....expectations are only future resentments. We are both learning new roles.....she is working hard at being an independent adult. I am working hard at letting her go. Ive worked an unrelenting program in regards to her sister, but not her. Now I am being pushed to let go of her too. I have had a lot of feelings of, "Why did we have all of these kids? All of this effort and sacrifice and for what.....to have them go off and get lives of their own?!" lol I think that means that maybe I did a good job. I wish these sorts of transitions were easier on everyone though. I remember going through this with MY mom when I was 19. I was engaged and moved out with a group of girlfriends because being the wise beyond my years person that I was, I thought it would be smart for me to live on my own and pay my own bills before I got married. I didn't want to go straight from my mom's house to my husbands. I had a friend who was a counselor and she explained to me what was going on....now I am the momma who is watching her adult kids build lives and head out. The good news is that I am not drunk and I am not calling her awful names. I am just cringing (and crying) and hanging on too tight and keep saying, "Hold on, give me a minute to get used to this."

Off to a totally different subject.....the staff in rehabs. I was thinking back today to the time my girl was in a real residential 90 day program. She had done a residential 30 day program before that....but it was so weird, I almost don't count it. They had never had anyone as young as her before, and they were totally unprepared to have a family be involved. There was no family visit days, no family counseling or anyone to help develop a plan for aftercare. I called one time to ask the big boss man what his thoughts were on after care and could he help us to develop a plan.....I was told by his secretary, "Mr. _____ is a very busy man." Meaning what? He can't call me back? This isn't part of his job? It ended up being a very dysfunctional program that was later closed down after a resident overdosed and died in one of their residential houses.

Anyway, the 90 day program....a very thin, sweet, girl with bangs that hung in her eyes and a long floral dress on, did our intake. I immediately liked her. She had two little girls....a baby that was only 3 months old and then a 2 year old. At this point I had no idea that the staff of most rehabs are in recovery themselves. I had no idea this girl only had 9 months...do the math. Found out she was pregnant and quit and pulled herself together. Of course when I did find out I was filled with admiration and compassion for her. I thought she was so brave. About 2 weeks after my girl got there, there was a big fuss at the house as this girl had taken her babies and gone out on a run. I was devastated. I knew so little at that point...I was so worried for her, for those babies, for my girl so new in recovery and having her mentor leave to go out on a meth run. It was such a foreign world we had entered into. I was a foreigner in a foreign land. I didn't know this language, I didn't know what thinking of babies laying in a house while their mom smoked meth would feel like.

7 years later and this is common place to me. I know that those things happen and all I can do is pray and put babies and mom's and dad's and broken-hearted grand parents into God's hands. I can give a hug and listen when that door is opened to me....but I can't make it all better. I know now that we ALL are in some form of recovery. That we ALL are in this together. It is not an us and them situation anymore. There is no safe or perfect house of rehab, or rehab facility that will be the miracle cure...so much is weighing on our own personal decisions. We each individually get to choose each day which direction we will walk in. Where are our feet taking us?

So those are the thoughts rambling around in my crazy head today. Who knows why....but thats what I got for today. :o)

Bless us all.....
Annette

9 comments:

Anna said...

Hugs!

Mrs. Dubose said...

I cannot tell you how much I relate to your blog. I think you are feeling the emotions with your other daughter because there is finally enough room in your life to process them. And the crying? All the tears you choked back over the last year.

I understand your fears about seeing a therapist. I actually AM a psychologist and I went to see one years ago because I could see the writing on the wall. I still go. It is painful but it is helpful beyond anything I could have imagined. I wanted to give you a bit of unasked for advice. Don't plan the outcome. It's not about the outcome at this time, it is about the process of discovering yourself and at this time, you don't know what you don't know. You are a great candidate to be successful in counseling. You are self aware and can express yourself very well. You just might surprise yourself.

Thank you for dropping by my blog. It's hard to travel this path alone.

Prayers and hugs.

Mary Christine said...

Annette, when was the last time you had any fun or did anything just for the heck of it? It sounds like everything in your life has turned into "work." And you are NOT crazy!

SoberMomWrites said...

Oh that "letting go". I really hate that shit. I know it's normal and I know that the fact that they are going off so well means that we've been good parents.

But that doesn't make it suck any less.

If it makes you feel better, I'm a crying mess with my boys most of the time and they're all still living at home! But because they're in college and working and...well...grown, I'm having to make new agreements, set new boundaries and stop treating them like they are 9 years old.

I'm doing it...but I don't like it.

Hang tough mama. And make sure you keep that appointment.

Sherry

Liz said...

God bless you Annette... I'm also in this world that was foreign to me 5 years ago, a world I wanted absolutely nothing to do with. However, my daughter is an addict and I've had to learn quite a lot over the years. All I want for her is to be happy, healthy, and be able to live life to the fullest. If she could do that, I would be the happiest person in the entire world.

Syd said...

A wonderful post. I think your reflections on the seven years of dealing with addiction is so poignant. We do have to walk our own journey.

dawn said...

While I am sure much of our "recovery talk" in treatment facilities is similar, through reading some of your experiences, I am learning that logistically there are differences in some program protocol.

We, in my state, may not work in a treatment facility unless we have at least two years sober. This includes the receptionist, the intake worker, the CD tech, the drivers, the counselors, everyone. . It is one thing when staff leave, especially the client's counselor,, but when that person leaves as a result of a relapse, this can have fatal results for the clients. We cannot give away something we do not have.

Regarding good and/or bad facilities,, it is my firm belief that if the facility has healthy , educated, and compassionate workers, anyone can find recovery, Recovery, as we all know, is an inside job,, and its about whether the client is ready to surrender. Aesthetics and state of the art programming have nothing to do with a client's success rate. Annette, its late, I just had to stop by as you and yours have been heavy on my mind this week. Hope all is well, just wanted to drop in and say you remain, always, in my prayers

Dawn McCoy said...

Would that none of us had to ever walk this road.....

Signe said...

"I dread spending money to be honest." I'm not sure why but that made me laugh. Probably because you are so honest here for free. :) Your honesty is so helpful, though. It gives me a lot to think about. The drive and commitment that comes across in your words is truly inspiring. I'm sure you're exhausted at times, but the energy you put into trying to figure things out is amazing to me. I'm sorry life feels so desperate at times. I am confident, though, that your truthfulness is what will get you through. :)