Ok the closer it gets the more I am dreading going to see the new therapist. I keep making up these rules for myself. I am only going to talk about what has been going on with ME lately. I am not getting into the whole parent of an addict thing. I dread spending the money to be honest.
My ACA big red book and workbook just came in the mail today to work through with my sponsor. I opened them and was totally overwhelmed. I emailed my sponsor and asked her to meet next Monday and told her that my plan was to just start reading the big red book and then meet with her and talk it over. We can start the work book in a couple weeks.
I ordered some progesterone cream to see if that helps level off my emotions, because I am a crying lunatic. What the heck?!
My Molly and I have had a rough couple weeks. We never fight, we never have issues, but all of a sudden we are up to our necks. The relationship is so precious...we are working hard at figuring it all out. Past hurts, current hurts, unmet expectations on my part.....and yes, I know....expectations are only future resentments. We are both learning new roles.....she is working hard at being an independent adult. I am working hard at letting her go. Ive worked an unrelenting program in regards to her sister, but not her. Now I am being pushed to let go of her too. I have had a lot of feelings of, "Why did we have all of these kids? All of this effort and sacrifice and for what.....to have them go off and get lives of their own?!" lol I think that means that maybe I did a good job. I wish these sorts of transitions were easier on everyone though. I remember going through this with MY mom when I was 19. I was engaged and moved out with a group of girlfriends because being the wise beyond my years person that I was, I thought it would be smart for me to live on my own and pay my own bills before I got married. I didn't want to go straight from my mom's house to my husbands. I had a friend who was a counselor and she explained to me what was going on....now I am the momma who is watching her adult kids build lives and head out. The good news is that I am not drunk and I am not calling her awful names. I am just cringing (and crying) and hanging on too tight and keep saying, "Hold on, give me a minute to get used to this."
Off to a totally different subject.....the staff in rehabs. I was thinking back today to the time my girl was in a real residential 90 day program. She had done a residential 30 day program before that....but it was so weird, I almost don't count it. They had never had anyone as young as her before, and they were totally unprepared to have a family be involved. There was no family visit days, no family counseling or anyone to help develop a plan for aftercare. I called one time to ask the big boss man what his thoughts were on after care and could he help us to develop a plan.....I was told by his secretary, "Mr. _____ is a very busy man." Meaning what? He can't call me back? This isn't part of his job? It ended up being a very dysfunctional program that was later closed down after a resident overdosed and died in one of their residential houses.
Anyway, the 90 day program....a very thin, sweet, girl with bangs that hung in her eyes and a long floral dress on, did our intake. I immediately liked her. She had two little girls....a baby that was only 3 months old and then a 2 year old. At this point I had no idea that the staff of most rehabs are in recovery themselves. I had no idea this girl only had 9 months...do the math. Found out she was pregnant and quit and pulled herself together. Of course when I did find out I was filled with admiration and compassion for her. I thought she was so brave. About 2 weeks after my girl got there, there was a big fuss at the house as this girl had taken her babies and gone out on a run. I was devastated. I knew so little at that point...I was so worried for her, for those babies, for my girl so new in recovery and having her mentor leave to go out on a meth run. It was such a foreign world we had entered into. I was a foreigner in a foreign land. I didn't know this language, I didn't know what thinking of babies laying in a house while their mom smoked meth would feel like.
7 years later and this is common place to me. I know that those things happen and all I can do is pray and put babies and mom's and dad's and broken-hearted grand parents into God's hands. I can give a hug and listen when that door is opened to me....but I can't make it all better. I know now that we ALL are in some form of recovery. That we ALL are in this together. It is not an us and them situation anymore. There is no safe or perfect house of rehab, or rehab facility that will be the miracle cure...so much is weighing on our own personal decisions. We each individually get to choose each day which direction we will walk in. Where are our feet taking us?
So those are the thoughts rambling around in my crazy head today. Who knows why....but thats what I got for today. :o)
Bless us all.....