but I think my girl is doing pretty good. I am afraid of upsetting the fragile balance of "doing good" vs. "not," by uttering even one sound of joy or relief, but really, I think things are going ok. She is home for her last weekend pass before graduating from her program. On the long drive home she talked about how easy it is to "do good" in treatment. She spoke of the real test being when you enter back into life...all of the stuff you were avoiding, the situations you ignored, the feelings you didn't feel....are all still there, waiting for your attention and acknowledgement. She said, "Its really scary when you first get clean." I told her about the part in the book Clean where the author said getting clean is "traumatic." She said, "Exactly!" She spoke of there being almost a grieving process for the loss of your substance...."I don't want to say its like a death of someone you love....but it sort of is. Its a loss." We talked about how even when we lose a person that we love, we heal and we learn how to continue on and live a whole and fulfilling life, despite our loss. That it takes time but the feelings lessen and we find ways to create a new life.
She seems to be detaching from us and I think that is a good thing. She doesn't call us unless she needs a prescription refill, she never whines or complains to us, when we do see her she is an adult with her own ideas and direction. She has a sponsor that she meets with and she runs things past HER. When we are together its just nice. I don't feel the vacuum of her need sucking the breath out of my lungs. I feel happy and we laugh a lot.
She is going to stay on at her treatment house and be a house manager. Free room and board and a small salary. A perfect first job after years of not working.
On our drive home tonight we talked about my crying spell when I took her home last weekend. I told her its been brought up that maybe I have PTSD. She said, "Oh yeah, you do. I thought you knew thats what it was!" I replied that no I didn't and I feel ridiculous even saying that....but my upsets surrounding alcohol keep coming up and when something keeps coming up I think its a signal that its time to look at it. I told her that I feel like for the most part I have a pretty good grip on she and mine's relationship, my recovery from being the enabling mom and being all tied up in her business....but that this issue is like the last frontier to conquer. Not that once I find my way through this, I will be fixed and that will be that....not at all. I think we are always learning and growing until our dying day. She said, "This is a core issue though. Maybe its taken all of these life experiences and watching g-ma go through her process of letting go of all of her guilt and shame, to bring you to a place of being free enough to be able to work through all of it."
I do agree....this is a deep root. I do love that she and I can talk and discuss and we get it. I also find it so interesting that my Higher Power (God) does things in His own order. If it had been me, I would have figured that He would have healed my heart first, then the anger and bitterness would have just fallen away. Instead He flip flopped it....the anger and bitterness have been replaced by compassion and love and grace for two broken people who did the best they knew how to do...and NOW He's going after the root. I don't get it....but God has proven that I can trust His judgement and His order many times before. So I am content to go with His plan.
By God's grace tomorrow will be another great day.
Lets all keep the people of Colorado in our prayers.