Saturday, August 24, 2013

Melt Down

Oh-My-Goodness! I have had a meltdown that has gone on for the past 2 days. Off and on all day both days. It was the perfect storm actually. The triggers you ask?

  • A picture Molly put on Instagram from her 21st birthday celebration. You can imagine.....but let me say that she was fully clothed, it was nothing horrible, illegal, or out of the ordinary for a 21st birthday celebration. It was so typical really, that I am embarrassed that I had such a *weird* and over the top reaction. TO ME it hit something deep deep inside of myself. I was like a raving lunatic. Mad, crying, SO FILLED WITH FEAR, we argued, we apologized, we have made up....but I hurt her feelings. I lectured about the dangers of drinking, the genetic pre-disposition, the two girls that just disappeared from their hotel parking lot who are believed to be caught in a sex trafficking ring....I was crazy. This was in text messages the next morning at 7am as I was getting off work and she was getting ready for work. So what the heck is wrong with me?! The kid was up at 7am getting ready for her job that she has held for almost a year! Really by the time I was done, I felt like I needed to be committed.  
  •  A friend whose daughter came home sick and addicted is miraculously well, flawless skin, meat on her bones, and happy after a mere 4 weeks recuperating under her loving parents watchful eye. She has gotten a job making 200.00 a day, and is moving right along, drinking beer and smoking pot all along the way to take the edge off. For some reason, this pisses me off to no end. The parents are so relieved and feel like, "Hey, problem solved." I feel mad. Rip roaring angry that it was so easy for them and that they are ok *settling* for that in their daughter. Why am I not ok with half way? Why do I feel the need to dig in and look at every nook and cranny and get to the roots of our shit? And what has been the fruit of that? My girl is STILL in treatment, yet again, all of these years later. I am STILL having melt downs. 
  • It was suboxone pick up day today. I had planned on picking it up and having lunch with my girl at park day for an hour before I needed to be at a baby shower. She informed me that her boyfriend was coming for the park day....."but I can change him to another day mom." My martyrish reply...."Oh no. The arrangements have been made, its fine." It is anything but fine. I felt pushed aside, the delivery driver.....but more than any of that, I don't want her having contact with him, I want her to WANT to not see him anymore, which is none of my business! 
 I talked to the dad and I cried and cried and told him all that had me upset. He kept saying, "Its hard. Its just really hard. We do things differently than most people. Most people don't want to get to the root of why they behave the way they do. They just want to look ok and pull it off."

And then this...."Everyone won't choose to do it the way we do it. Including our adult kids, and we are going to have to decide how we are going to let that affect us and our relationships." Well its obvious what I am going to do.....THIS! I swear my anti-depressant that I just refilled was a placebo!

Pray for me.


Anna said...

I agree with your husband. It is just so hard. You are only human. It is a wonder that you do not have these days more often.

Anna said...

I agree with your husband. It is just so hard. You are only human. It is a wonder that you do not have these days more often.

Anonymous said...

Oh precious mama, it is so hard! I understand those melt downs so well, I'm betting we all do. This hand of cards we have been dealt just sucks, plain and simple. Your looking out for Molly, your scared shitless, she gets it. Your just being the protective mother bear that you should be. Sometimes we all need a break down, melt down, moment of martyrdom, a few minutes of pissed off or a day of mad as hell, whatever. Don't be too hard on yourself. Progress not perfection, right?

Hugs and prayers,always!

PS: I sometimes think we get so wrapped up in the "it's not our business" that we feel guilty for being pissed about the things we have every right to be angry about. (terrible boyfriends, enabling grandmothers, etc.) But what do I know, lol.

Signe said...

Your husband seems to have said it perfectly. Having said that, I understand the panic. My son doesn't have an issue, but I get that same knot in my stomach when he's told me he's been out. I feel the need to tell friends about the dangers of drinking wine (though I don't say anything). You know the ingredients, you know the signs, you know the path, and you know the possible damage. You're justified in your fears. You are prayed for all the time, Annette. :)

Dawn McCoy said...

Sounds rather like me on a daily basis. Pitiful. I actually hate me right now, and don't have a clue how to fix it. So much anger locked up inside me, 14's starting to come out at the odd moment. FIL drove tractor into garage door (his), I'm pissed at DH because he doesn't confront his dad who has wrecked car TWICE in one month. Pint is mouthy 14 yr old, seems like all we do is argue, half pint is confused 11 year old, seems like all I do is yell, Baby keeps breaking her probation by seeing Snuggle Bubbles baby daddy and I want to turn her in, Calamity is getting evicted....and I sit here and keep my mouth shut and seethe......sigh.

notmyboy said...

I get this...all of it. There is no way on God's green earth that I would ever settle for just smoking pot and drinking. NEVER! I don't necessarily think I have to get to the root of the issue, as there really isn't/wasn't one. He just liked to get high/drunk/stoned. I really believe this whole "why" thing is a chain that keeps us POAs bound. It doesn't matter.

By the way, there are many documented studies that show antidepressants act just as well as placebos...or maybe that should read just as poorly. I've heard interviews with doctors who say they just prescribe them because it makes their patients feel like they are doing something for themselves, so they in turn feel better.

As for your friend's daughter...four weeks in a blip. Pray for her. My son was always able to easily abstain for at least 3 months before the insanity took control again. "taking the edge off" is one of the major lies addicts tell themselves.

Dawn said...

Oh Annette! We all have days like this once in awhile, or at least I's normal, right?!
Some days we just can't take anything more, no matter how many prayers we might say, no matter how many deep breaths we take, we just get pushed to far and have more than we can handle on that one day. Hubby is right - it is hard. Don't be so hard on yourself, this too will pass I hope today is a better day. Go for a long walk if you are able too - nature is always healing.

Walkingthroughaddiction said...

I can so relate to you on so many levels, first of all I just got off Instagram. Seriously, it is dialing for pain. I miss my son and enjoy seeing his handsome face, but I don't always like what he is up to. My conclusion, Instagram was dialing for pain. This morning I deleted instagram for the 2nd time. (i'm a slow learner) If you read my recent post you will see that I can so related to the comment about the boyfriend showing up at the park. After we delivered a very nice lunch to our sons apartment and were told it was time to head home, I totally got my feelings hurt (can you say martyr). So I get it Annette. Hang in there.

SoberMomWrites said...

First...peri-menopause may be upon you my friend. Remember puberty, pregnancy? Yeah well they ain't got nothing on menopause. You'll be fine though..,recognizing when you're not being rational is most of the battle.

That said..,OF COURSE YOU HAD A MELTDOWN WHEN YOU SAW THAT PICTURE OF MOLLY! I would have too! That strikes a fear so deep in me there are no words and I have not even a glimpse into what you're feeling. My feeling? Molly should have been more considerate of YOUR feelings and not posted anything like that. She knows your trauma. But let's face it...she's 21. Right now it's all about her and that's completely normal.

And with regard to your friends? i would be pissed as hell too! It's not fair. But really? We both know the child will be back in trouble soon. Hold a place in your heart for her parents...their hearts are about to be broken.

I was listening to a Tara Brach podcast this morning that might help (did you recommend her to me?). It's called "Skelton Woman: Embracing This Living and Dying World" from July 13th. Give it a might help.

I'll be praying.


Annette said...

Oh notmyboy, I'm not trying to figure my addict daughter out or why she became an addict. I'm trying to figure my stuff out! lol Why do I have these deep rooted fears, why do I feel the need to be in control, where does this anger come from, what can I do to change those unhealthy behaviors in myself. I don't know about you, but I most certainly have a part in our family's dysfunction. A controlling mother is a very fearful mother, and that brings with it its own set of troubles.

Annette said...

Thank you everyone for your loving support. You all are so kind. I am heading over to read walkingthroughaddiction's blog and Sherry my phone just died, but I am looking up the podcast and downloading for tomorrows walk. Thank you again....your kind words means so much to me.

Anonymous said...

Im so sorry its been a rough few days. I already worry about what I will do the first time my girls are introduced to alcohol. Im sure I will fly off the handle and fear they will turn out just like me and the others in my family!

Hang in there, just take one day (or hour) at a time right now.

Mary Christine said...

I find that when I start comparing myself to others, which I do, it almost invariably leads to unhappiness for me.

My daughter is almost 5 years sober, covered in tattoos, mostly done in sobriety. Working at a minimum wage job - but hey! I am so grateful she is gainfully employed. We all have different paths in life.

And I - sober 29 years and teetering on the edge of bankruptcy, having just gone through the worst depression of my life... I best not compare my insides to other people's outsides... I will come up short every single time.

dawn said...

Never short on words am I - I'll try to be brief.

First of all - I hope mom of said child is enjoying the pink cloud because that THC and ETOH will soon lose its effect. The mind does not forget that "awesome high" once received by opiates and before you know it, three, six,, or so months down the road, the individual who is playing with fire, ie, week and alcohol, will, WILL get burnt. So, pray for that family and keep your nose to the grindstone that rests in total abstinence. THAT'S recovery. Takes the edge off,, good grief - ACKKK, the ignorance!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and as far as "getting to the root", whether it is yourself Annette or some random addict out there. There IS an underlying issue and when it has been recovered and nothing but transparent honest humility lies,, only THEN are we on the road to healthy recovery.

Ok, stepping off soapbox. Thanks for allowing me my two cents :)

And YOU take good care of YOU !!! xo