Melt Down
- A picture Molly put on Instagram from her 21st birthday celebration. You can imagine.....but let me say that she was fully clothed, it was nothing horrible, illegal, or out of the ordinary for a 21st birthday celebration. It was so typical really, that I am embarrassed that I had such a *weird* and over the top reaction. TO ME it hit something deep deep inside of myself. I was like a raving lunatic. Mad, crying, SO FILLED WITH FEAR, we argued, we apologized, we have made up....but I hurt her feelings. I lectured about the dangers of drinking, the genetic pre-disposition, the two girls that just disappeared from their hotel parking lot who are believed to be caught in a sex trafficking ring....I was crazy. This was in text messages the next morning at 7am as I was getting off work and she was getting ready for work. So what the heck is wrong with me?! The kid was up at 7am getting ready for her job that she has held for almost a year! Really by the time I was done, I felt like I needed to be committed.
- A friend whose daughter came home sick and addicted is miraculously well, flawless skin, meat on her bones, and happy after a mere 4 weeks recuperating under her loving parents watchful eye. She has gotten a job making 200.00 a day, and is moving right along, drinking beer and smoking pot all along the way to take the edge off. For some reason, this pisses me off to no end. The parents are so relieved and feel like, "Hey, problem solved." I feel mad. Rip roaring angry that it was so easy for them and that they are ok *settling* for that in their daughter. Why am I not ok with half way? Why do I feel the need to dig in and look at every nook and cranny and get to the roots of our shit? And what has been the fruit of that? My girl is STILL in treatment, yet again, all of these years later. I am STILL having melt downs.
- It was suboxone pick up day today. I had planned on picking it up and having lunch with my girl at park day for an hour before I needed to be at a baby shower. She informed me that her boyfriend was coming for the park day....."but I can change him to another day mom." My martyrish reply...."Oh no. The arrangements have been made, its fine." It is anything but fine. I felt pushed aside, the delivery driver.....but more than any of that, I don't want her having contact with him, I want her to WANT to not see him anymore, which is none of my business!
And then this...."Everyone won't choose to do it the way we do it. Including our adult kids, and we are going to have to decide how we are going to let that affect us and our relationships." Well its obvious what I am going to do.....THIS! I swear my anti-depressant that I just refilled was a placebo!
Pray for me.
Annette
Comments
Hugs and prayers,always!
PS: I sometimes think we get so wrapped up in the "it's not our business" that we feel guilty for being pissed about the things we have every right to be angry about. (terrible boyfriends, enabling grandmothers, etc.) But what do I know, lol.
By the way, there are many documented studies that show antidepressants act just as well as placebos...or maybe that should read just as poorly. I've heard interviews with doctors who say they just prescribe them because it makes their patients feel like they are doing something for themselves, so they in turn feel better.
As for your friend's daughter...four weeks in a blip. Pray for her. My son was always able to easily abstain for at least 3 months before the insanity took control again. "taking the edge off" is one of the major lies addicts tell themselves.
Some days we just can't take anything more, no matter how many prayers we might say, no matter how many deep breaths we take, we just get pushed to far and have more than we can handle on that one day. Hubby is right - it is hard. Don't be so hard on yourself, this too will pass I hope today is a better day. Go for a long walk if you are able too - nature is always healing.
That said..,OF COURSE YOU HAD A MELTDOWN WHEN YOU SAW THAT PICTURE OF MOLLY! I would have too! That strikes a fear so deep in me there are no words and I have not even a glimpse into what you're feeling. My feeling? Molly should have been more considerate of YOUR feelings and not posted anything like that. She knows your trauma. But let's face it...she's 21. Right now it's all about her and that's completely normal.
And with regard to your friends? i would be pissed as hell too! It's not fair. But really? We both know the child will be back in trouble soon. Hold a place in your heart for her parents...their hearts are about to be broken.
I was listening to a Tara Brach podcast this morning that might help (did you recommend her to me?). It's called "Skelton Woman: Embracing This Living and Dying World" from July 13th. Give it a listen...it might help.
I'll be praying.
Sherry
Hang in there, just take one day (or hour) at a time right now.
My daughter is almost 5 years sober, covered in tattoos, mostly done in sobriety. Working at a minimum wage job - but hey! I am so grateful she is gainfully employed. We all have different paths in life.
And I - sober 29 years and teetering on the edge of bankruptcy, having just gone through the worst depression of my life... I best not compare my insides to other people's outsides... I will come up short every single time.
First of all - I hope mom of said child is enjoying the pink cloud because that THC and ETOH will soon lose its effect. The mind does not forget that "awesome high" once received by opiates and before you know it, three, six,, or so months down the road, the individual who is playing with fire, ie, week and alcohol, will, WILL get burnt. So, pray for that family and keep your nose to the grindstone that rests in total abstinence. THAT'S recovery. Takes the edge off,, good grief - ACKKK, the ignorance!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and as far as "getting to the root", whether it is yourself Annette or some random addict out there. There IS an underlying issue and when it has been recovered and nothing but transparent honest humility lies,, only THEN are we on the road to healthy recovery.
Ok, stepping off soapbox. Thanks for allowing me my two cents :)
And YOU take good care of YOU !!! xo