I was conceived during an AA affair with a married man. My mom was recovering from a terrible drunk driving head on collision car accident that she barely survived. There are stories of me as a baby being left in the crib alone while my drunk mom went searching for my dad (not biological) at bars, after having a big fight.This was a habit...not a once in awhile occurrence.
My entire life has been immersed in other people's addictions and all that goes along with that. Siblings, aunts, uncles, grand-parents, and now my daughter. I have worked my ever lovin ass off trying to be ok in this world. There has never been a time that addiction wasn't affecting my life in some way.
What I have ended up with is that I am who I am. I can learn to not enable, to not do for others what they should do for themselves, I can learn to continue to live my life despite what is going on with people I care about....but it will probably never be second nature to me. I will probably always have to think about it, and plan out my next move based on what I know vs. what I feel. I will always do the best I can at any given moment, because that is just how I roll....and that is good enough.
As to my girl....who the heck knows what the future holds. I AM feeling slightly bad that no one will be around to see her this week, but only slightly. We all have commitments that were made months ago. Progress for me is that I didn't cancel anything or re-organize my entire life to go see her. It IS uncomfortable to me, but I am ok with it. I can be uncomfortable with something.
So on to what I am doing this weekend....Molly is coming with me and I am going to a baby shower for an old friend of mine's daughter. All of our girlhood friends will be there. Some of these women I have known since I was 6 years old. Some of us went to high school together, some of us were pregnant with our first babies at the same time, and most I haven't seen in many years. Someone posted something on Facebook about time to break out the champagne and dance on the tables. I felt a wave of "ugh" and that is who I am too. These 49 years of watching other people's addictions have left their deep and indelible mark on my soul. I am who I am. There are good reasons for my reaction. There are reasons why typing this makes me tear up....even after all of these years.
We are meeting my nieces and their families for dinner afterward as we will be in their area...so I have an out when I feel ready to leave.
I am just vain enough that I did go get my hair highlighted and my eyebrows waxed today...I can't be the only non-drinker, non-table dancer, AND have roots!
I am going to link over to a blog by a blogger whom I really admire. He only blogs occasionally these days, but his honesty and his insights always inspire me. Please go read over at In God's Hands.
This particular post is about living with depression and accepting it as part of our journey.
I just got back from a lovely walk in my neighborhood with my dog Jake. Its been several months since I have walked in my neighborhood. (I have walked elsewhere though) I could smell the ripe blackberries, I got to see some of the changes to the property a young couple bought down the rd, I got to check out the vegetable garden of my neighbor....it was a cool evening. It felt really really good. Thanks L for the reminder to get myself outside.
Ok, thats all from me for tonight. Acceptance is huge in my life right now. I am accepting my sad feelings, my fearful feelings, my frustrated feelings and I am figuring out each step as I go along. I have a long term program, a HP, a sponsor, and a tool box filled with resources to help me to take good steps. If I mis-step, I can thankfully always back up and have a do-over.
Bless us all.....