Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Born into addiction....

I was conceived during an AA affair with a married man. My mom was recovering from a terrible drunk driving head on collision car accident that she barely survived. There are stories of me as a baby being left in the crib alone while my drunk mom went searching for my dad (not biological)  at bars, after having a big fight.This was a habit...not a once in awhile occurrence.

My entire life has been immersed in other people's addictions and all that goes along with that. Siblings, aunts, uncles, grand-parents, and now my daughter. I have worked my ever lovin ass off trying to be ok in this world. There has never been a time that addiction wasn't affecting my life in some way.

What I have ended up with is that I am who I am. I can learn to not enable, to not do for others what they should do for themselves, I can learn to continue to live my life despite what is going on with people I care about....but it will probably never be second nature to me. I will probably always have to think about it, and plan out my next move based on what I know vs. what I feel. I will always do the best I can at any given moment, because that is just how I roll....and that is good enough.

As to my girl....who the heck knows what the future holds. I AM feeling slightly bad that no one will be around to see her this week, but only slightly. We all have commitments that were made months ago. Progress for me is that I didn't cancel anything or re-organize my entire life to go see her. It IS uncomfortable to me, but I am ok with it. I can be uncomfortable with something.

So on to what I am doing this weekend....Molly is coming with me and I am going to a baby shower for an old friend of mine's daughter. All of our girlhood friends will be there. Some of these women I have known since I was 6 years old. Some of us went to high school together, some of us were pregnant with our first babies at the same time, and most I haven't seen in many years. Someone posted something on Facebook about time to break out the champagne and dance on the tables. I felt a wave of "ugh" and that is who I am too. These 49 years of watching other people's addictions have left their deep and indelible mark on my soul. I am who I am. There are good reasons for my reaction. There are reasons why typing this makes me tear up....even after all of these years.

We are meeting my nieces and their families for dinner afterward as we will be in their I have an out when I feel ready to leave.

I am just vain enough that I did go get my hair highlighted and my eyebrows waxed today...I can't be the only non-drinker, non-table dancer, AND have roots!

I am going to link over to a blog by a blogger whom I really admire. He only blogs occasionally these days, but his honesty and his insights always inspire me. Please go read over at In God's Hands. 
This particular post is about living with depression and accepting it as part of our journey.

I just got back from a lovely walk in my neighborhood with my dog Jake. Its been several months since I have walked in my neighborhood. (I have walked elsewhere though) I could smell the ripe blackberries, I got to see some of the changes to the property a young couple bought down the rd, I got to check out the vegetable garden of my was a cool evening. It felt really really good. Thanks L for the reminder to get myself outside.

Ok, thats all from me for tonight. Acceptance is huge in my life right now. I am accepting my sad feelings, my fearful feelings, my frustrated feelings and I am figuring out each step as I go along. I have a long term program, a HP, a sponsor, and a tool box filled with resources to help me to take good steps. If I mis-step, I can thankfully always back up and have a do-over.

Bless us all.....


SoberMomWrites said...

Oh my sweet Annette - honey we may be different but I SO get you (and by the way, my BFF is my polar opposite - you and I would be friends in real life!).

At least you didn't fall victim (although I know you'd trade places with your girl if you could if that meant she'd be okay). I can't believe after living with so much addiction I fell victim as well.

I can't help but admire your journey, how you handle your girl and how you remain (what appears to be) a shining example for your other three. I think each of us has to figure out our own path based upon the cards dealt to us - sometimes we fail, sometimes we stumble, sometimes we shine.

I think you will shine more than you'll ever fail, because as long as we come from a place of love, we can't fail.


Robert said...

It's so good to hear that you are making strides. Nothing worth doing is ever easy, but that is no reason to give up and give in. It seems like you are really pushing yourself to do what is best for you, even if that means making hard decisions. Keep your chin up!

Signe said...

I think it's okay to feel everything you're feeling. I think you've been through a lot and it is a credit to your good nature that you fight so hard for yourself and those you love rather than just chucking it all. So, feeling sad or even resentful sometimes is okay. It's normal. I have a friend who reminds me a lot of you. She, too, grew up in a house with an alcoholic parent. The stories she tells are horrific. Yet, she is the one who I turn to when I need counseling, because her insights are so spot on and it's all because of what she's been through. I think in the movie or book, Eat, Pray, Love the author says something about transformation being the result of ruin. I think we decide what type of transformation (good or bad) and it's evident that by all you write and the insight you share, your transformation is one of beauty.

Mary Christine said...

So glad you are honoring your commitments to others and yourself and not letting your girl be your center.

I have been surrounded by this disease all my life too. I hate hate hate what it does. And being sober myself, I probably don't have as much compassion as I should.

Anonymous said...

Annette, For me as an adult, coping with my son's addiction has been the hardest, saddest and most confusing experience of my life. I've often thought to myself how much harder this must be for children whose parents and family members use substances. How can a child really make sense of something that is so hurtful? I'm sorry that any one of us has to contend with this, let alone a child. I understand why writing this post brought tears to your eyes. I hope that you and Molly enjoy the shower and the get together with your family. Much love to you.


Anna said...

You inspire me because you live a good life in spite of all of this. Now I am more grateful that I did not know much about addiction before it hit us so hard. That only means that I was lucky enough to live a good 50 years of my life without the pain of addiction. You continue to show me how to live with it.
Thanks for that.

Syd said...

I'm sorry you have had so much addiction in your life. It's hard for those of us who grew up around alcoholics. We learn our patterns of behavior early on. And takes a long time for the disease to work it's way to making our lives dysfunctional. i'm glad that you have recovery tools and are happy with who you are. I am a work in progress and will be for a long time.

Dawn said...

I know exactly how you are feeling and often have that same response! I thought I was alone with feeling that way. Nothing good ever came when alcohol was involved. As a child I remember relatives staying up all hours of the night drinking and then the loud voices came, the arguing and occasional physical fight. Scary stuff in a child's eyes.

Annette said...

Oh you guys! Thank you for all of these very kind comments. Syd I will be a work in progress until my dying day! The good part is that I am ok knowing that I am not finished yet. That hasn't always been the case.