Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Weariness and loads of zucchini.

Today the dad and I are weary. No special reason..."it all" just hits us some days. I remind us to stay in today. Today was a relatively nice day. The bills are paid. We have food in the cupboards, good jobs, and God is in charge.

I  just had my 49th!!!!!! birthday this past weekend. We spent the day at the river and then Molly and her boyfriend (whom I adore and who gave her a beautiful "promise ring") took me to see The Heat. Absolutely hilarious! They invited our girl who came along and we had such a nice, normal night. Lots and lots of real from the gut laughing....thank you Sandra and  Melissa. The dad stayed home with little one because she isn't allowed to see R rated movies. I, being the worn out parent that I am, tried to talk him into it, being that it was *just* bad language, "then we can all be together"....but it was a no go for him. Little one is a practical and logical child who understood and accepted his decision. She is so her father's daughter.

 Our girl and the kids were down picking the zucchini in the garden.....some had grown to be enormous. We will stuff those for dinner tomorrow night. The precious part of the huge zucchini story was that little one was truly joyous at her big sister's success. She took pictures and posted them on FB, bragging about how "she grew them herself!" My girl laughed when she saw them and said, "Well good thing I don't have any friends....this makes me look like a total dork! H and her giant zucchinis!"

My sponsor went with us for our meeting in the psych facility and afterward we had some iced tea and visited. I asked her what she thought.....some of the residents are so medicated, for all I know they may not remember ever coming to a meeting. She said, "we are all called to be kind to one another. I think this covers that beautifully." I loved hearing that from her. Because I want to be there. I want to do this, whether they remember or not, I want to be kind to those who are struggling so. If my girl was there, I would want someone to be sitting on the other side of the table sharing a smile and some hope.

 I asked my sponsor about the changes I am going through within my self, in regards to my girl and my responses to her. Compassion, unconditional love, no expectations of doing it "right" according to my opinion. My perspective has changed to issues of safety....our home is a safe place. There is no drama here. We have boundaries in place that make it so. I asked her if I was off in left field, did I sound like I was rationalizing my own enabling behavior? I told her I feel good, at peace, not fearful, not angry. I feel like we are where we are supposed to be right now with our girl. She assured me that I sounded really good. That I am living my program. I guess I needed to check it out with someone. My own judgement has in the past gotten me into situations I didn't belong in.

I am having SUCH a hard time setting boundaries with my time. I love my new job at night time. However, my phone rings constantly with people needing help which is my weak spot. Its my chance to be the hero, to save the day....but I am so tired. I just want to be at home. I just want to be with my girls, and my hubs, and have some dinner made, and create some order here....not come home to my house being run by a full time analytical  engineer type who doesn't see the need for beauty and matching sheet sets and dusting the way that I do. Or by my 12 year old who could care less how messy her environment is, or my girl who is hanging on by a thin thread most days to her sobriety....both chemically and emotionally. I need to be here to create some stability. To put fresh flowers on the table, bring some order, some "home is our safe refuge" vibes. I feel like I am fighting to keep my days open. It seems that there is always something that is beckoning to me though. Pulling at me. Needing me. I am saying "no" more than at any other time of my life, and it doesn't feel good. Its not comfortable to me at all. Heavy sigh.

I am off to catch up on y'all.....
Much love.....


Signe said...

When I read this it brought the picture of shifting to mind. Shifting ideas, jobs, boundaries. Like moving to a more emotionally and mentally comfortable space. I am so happy that your daughter went with you to the movies and that her zucchinis have grown so well. Both wonderful and healthy accomplishments. :)

Signe said...

P.S. Happy Birthday!!! :D

SoberMomWrites said...

Happy happy happy birthday!

Sometimes I think we are the same person. The way you described how you see yourself in your home is exactly how I see myself. I am the placer of fresh flowers and changer of sheets and towels and vacuumer and duster (my way). I put tablecloths on the table and make sure the counters are clean and ready for whatever you have to dump on them. I want a hot dinner every night and all of us together.

But this job sucks up all of my time in the summer and I don't feel present right now. I totally get how you're feeling - you're giving and your tired and, as I say to the hubs some times...I have nothing left to give.

This too shall pass my friend. And until it does - we'll all be here to listen.


Anna said...

A. Psychologist at the u of Pennsylvania told me that the addicts are usually safer at home. If she can stay at home without ruining your lives. Then it is better. It did not work out for us but we tried it many times.

Syd said...

Annette, so sorry to have missed your birthday. You are a treasure on Earth. I love the zucchini story. Sometimes, it's good to be busy but when I become overly so, I have to remember to put first things first.