Saturday, July 20, 2013

Superfood salad and a few other thoughts......

I'm home today. I love it. Doing laundry, hanging clothes to dry in the sun because my dryer is making an obnoxious squeaking noise that permeates my peace and quiet.  I have one of those clothes lines that is on a stretches out across the side yard, and is hooked into a giant cedar tree. I love reminds me of my g-ma Anna. I am making this superfood salad for dinner tonight, minus the shrimp. I am using grilled chicken instead.

Last night the dad, little one, and I all packed up a dinner and went to our favorite river spot to picnic and swim. Total bliss. A couple of little one's friends and their dad came down a little after we got there. It was perfect....the dad and I got to float and visit, then the girls and I swam around for awhile.

In preparation for my Half Dome climb....we bought this baby.  I found it on our local exchange site for 50.00. lol Its awesome and I can't wait to start using it! The sweetest young man sold it and delivered it to us. I told him I would send him an "after" picture in 6 months! I have to get my arms and legs strong enough to be able to pull myself up those cables on the mountainside! I don't want to fall to my death out there! The dad just lost 40lbs himself and is running now. I wanted to be a runner so badly, but have accepted that I may not ever be able to do that. Miles of walking and climbing might be it for me.

Now for the *real* stuff....I am tired. I am tired of waiting. Waiting for my girl to call her dr's, waiting for them to call her back, waiting on several different steps we have spoken of her taking. Waiting for her to get better. Yesterday was not a good day here. This morning I was able to share with her how I am feeling. I don't think that is wrong. I wasn't mad. There were no threats of kicking her out, no accusations. Just me saying, "Sweet girl, I am getting tired. Every step takes FOREVER." We continue to really get no where of substance....we just keep treading water. She acknowledged that everything I said, which was a lot more than I am typing true. She acknowledged that she is afraid to go at it again. To not be heard, to be accused of drug seeking, or not really wanting it enough or "for real" that she is afraid to put herself out there. It is demoralizing to an already demoralized and abased person. YES, it is easier to keep using drugs and just hope that you melt away someday and disappear. Problem solved. Pam called this time in our lives of gardening and being together, "the initial steps of recovery." Pam, if you read this.....I can't thank you enough for giving me an encouraging term to call what is going on. "Initial," early, newborn, very beginnings, faltering, imperfect and most of all, fragile.

I just started listening to Clean by David Sheff who wrote Beautiful Boy. He spoke of the dynamic in the treatment community.....if treatment fails, the patient is blamed. They didn't try hard enough, didn't want it enough, didn't pray hard enough. I don't have to remind anyone that diabetics who go blind or lose a foot are not "blamed." Cancer patients who die despite loads of treatment are not "blamed." Addiction and mental illness are complex issues individually. Combine them and it often *feels* hopeless. I, being who I am, continue to hope though. I have a deep sustaining faith and I don't give up easily. I think that is a trait of co-dependence (the not giving up....the faith is what saved me) that has served me well through out my life. We don't know when to quit, to say we have had enough. God forbid I ever cry "uncle." Without that trait though....I would have not had a relationship with my parents, my marriage would have fallen apart, and I would be estranged from my girl right now. I don't give up and walk away and because of that I have seen a lot of complex issues and relationships through to the other side. Through to the other side where the good outweighs the bad. Where there is joy and wholeness and healing. Maybe this will end that way too. One can hope and pray....again.

Bless us all.....


Signe said...

Annette, I can appreciate what you are going through. For me, that is going back to square one after some binge drinking. I understand the 'initial' stage. Everyone is trying to redefine their space and who they are after so much time of being in hiding so to speak. During that time I think it is good and necessary to have everyone say how they feel (as long as it is in a loving way and I know that is all of who you are--loving). I think in the reestablishing of who you are those expressions of feelings help to start making the picture clearer. Like those people who restore paintings. The top painting is who you've become, the beautiful portrait, underneath, is who you are. Anyway, it inspires me to read how you go on with your plans while 'waiting' for your daughter to rediscover herself. Also, my daughter has made similar comments about putting herself out there. The recovery system and counselors are not very good and they do more harm than good in my experience. Too bad they don't have good traveling counsleors to come to the home and talk with everyone. Even if it doesn't feel like it, you are doing it all so well and are an inspiration.

Anonymous said...

I can't believe you posted that picture and didn't include the recipe! I'm drooling, lol.

Your picnic and swim with the hub and little one sounds soooooo relaxing. And kudos to him for the 40 pound weight loss. Wow! I always wanted to be a runner too, it's so exhilarating and freeing, but my back hated the impact so I stick to walking these days, too. No big climbs, though. But who might just inspire me. :-)

Bar said...

I'm wildly inspired and impressed with all that you're doing these days Annette! Half Dome. Wow.

I agree completely with the comparisons you made of addiction vs. other diseases. But I've accepted that very few people see it this way. They say taking the drug in the first place is the choice therefore you pay the consequences. I hope someday the a stigma towards addicts and mentally ill will change.

I want to live where you live! I can't imagine swimming at a river spot! I used to love ocean swimming but with all the pollution and sharks I don't do it anymore.

Mary Christine said...

Dinner sounds wonderful.

But not as wonderful as a picnic by the lake. How awesome!

Anna said...

You are making the most of your life. I am proud of you. It also sounds like your girl is taking lbaby steps. She shares from
Her heart and has found a passion that provides nurturing and some physical release.

dawn said...

In the treatment community I am a part of, Minneapolis, Hazelden, The MN Model etc etc , , our philosophy when a client does not "make it" is that we are dealing with a fatal disease. While there is treatment for its remission, it remains in God's hands. And so true - with co-occurring disorders added by each person's personality makeup and family systems input,, we must take each client individually and it becomes a case-by-case basis . Each of us do our part
Then we pray