I'm home today. I love it. Doing laundry, hanging clothes to dry in the sun because my dryer is making an obnoxious squeaking noise that permeates my peace and quiet. I have one of those clothes lines that is on a pulley.....it stretches out across the side yard, and is hooked into a giant cedar tree. I love it....it reminds me of my g-ma Anna. I am making this superfood salad for dinner tonight, minus the shrimp. I am using grilled chicken instead.
Last night the dad, little one, and I all packed up a dinner and went to our favorite river spot to picnic and swim. Total bliss. A couple of little one's friends and their dad came down a little after we got there. It was perfect....the dad and I got to float and visit, then the girls and I swam around for awhile.
In preparation for my Half Dome climb....we bought this baby. I found it on our local exchange site for 50.00. lol Its awesome and I can't wait to start using it! The sweetest young man sold it and delivered it to us. I told him I would send him an "after" picture in 6 months! I have to get my arms and legs strong enough to be able to pull myself up those cables on the mountainside! I don't want to fall to my death out there! The dad just lost 40lbs himself and is running now. I wanted to be a runner so badly, but have accepted that I may not ever be able to do that. Miles of walking and climbing might be it for me.
Now for the *real* stuff....I am tired. I am tired of waiting. Waiting for my girl to call her dr's, waiting for them to call her back, waiting on several different steps we have spoken of her taking. Waiting for her to get better. Yesterday was not a good day here. This morning I was able to share with her how I am feeling. I don't think that is wrong. I wasn't mad. There were no threats of kicking her out, no accusations. Just me saying, "Sweet girl, I am getting tired. Every step takes FOREVER." We continue to really get no where of substance....we just keep treading water. She acknowledged that everything I said, which was a lot more than I am typing here....is true. She acknowledged that she is afraid to go at it again. To not be heard, to be accused of drug seeking, or not really wanting it enough or "for real" that she is afraid to put herself out there. It is demoralizing to an already demoralized and abased person. YES, it is easier to keep using drugs and just hope that you melt away someday and disappear. Problem solved. Pam called this time in our lives of gardening and being together, "the initial steps of recovery." Pam, if you read this.....I can't thank you enough for giving me an encouraging term to call what is going on. "Initial," early, newborn, very beginnings, faltering, imperfect and most of all, fragile.
I just started listening to Clean by David Sheff who wrote Beautiful Boy. He spoke of the dynamic in the treatment community.....if treatment fails, the patient is blamed. They didn't try hard enough, didn't want it enough, didn't pray hard enough. I don't have to remind anyone that diabetics who go blind or lose a foot are not "blamed." Cancer patients who die despite loads of treatment are not "blamed." Addiction and mental illness are complex issues individually. Combine them and it often *feels* hopeless. I, being who I am, continue to hope though. I have a deep sustaining faith and I don't give up easily. I think that is a trait of co-dependence (the not giving up....the faith is what saved me) that has served me well through out my life. We don't know when to quit, to say we have had enough. God forbid I ever cry "uncle." Without that trait though....I would have not had a relationship with my parents, my marriage would have fallen apart, and I would be estranged from my girl right now. I don't give up and walk away and because of that I have seen a lot of complex issues and relationships through to the other side. Through to the other side where the good outweighs the bad. Where there is joy and wholeness and healing. Maybe this will end that way too. One can hope and pray....again.
Bless us all.....