Stand still, stop moving, planning, thinking, be still.....
I am holding on to that scripture tonight. Its been a really hard day. A surreal day in many ways. My girl was offered residential treatment today...again. As I watched her slack face and half open eyes in the dr.s office, she said, "I will have to think about that." I wanted to jump out of my chair....WTF are you saying?! What in God's name is there to think about?! The thought that she might not want "it" enough after all of my certainty that she most certainly did, does....was horrifying to me.
But I stayed calm. I was quiet. I asked her if she remembered the last time she was in residential and how good she felt? "Yes I know, but I wasn't ready to make this decision today."The dr. graciously gave her until 10:30 tomorrow morning to decide. He assured me he was worried for her as he was sure I am, "but we can't save her." Why not?! Why can't I?! Why am I asked to relinquish control over THIS? It is unnatural for a mother to let go of her sick child. I will stand by that opinion until my dying day....however, I know that when I am able to let go and trust that God has a plan, I personally do much better.
I came home drained. Emotionally and physically. She told me something during our time together that so obviously, so pitifully showed that in her own dysfunctional thinking, she has the best of intentions that she will quit any minute now. It-broke-my-heart. I told her I know she means well, I believe her. I called my sponsor later in the day crying and I poured every gory detail of the day out to her. Bless her heart, she listened. She reminded me that God IS in charge even when it doesn't feel like it, that He see's us, that we are not forgotten. She validated all of my mother feelings and thoughts and pain. Its hard to not be able to fix and mend and nurture. She said, "I think we see the little girl's we have lost and its so hard to let go when we see that child." She told me to write down all of the things I would like to see happen in my girl's life. The miracles I want God to perform.
I told my sponsor about being down at the garden with the dad while he watered and seeing all of the zucchini, the strawberries, the melons, the flowers.....and feeling like because of this little plot of life that she lovingly participates in, I can't give up on her. She has to be the one to take action though. All I get to do is watch. And hope. And mind my own ridiculous business.
Be still and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10 For tonight that is a great comfort to me. We will see what tomorrow holds.