Monday, July 22, 2013

Be Still.....

"Be still and know that I am God."
Stand still, stop moving, planning, thinking, be still.....

I am holding on to that scripture tonight. Its been a really hard day. A surreal day in many ways. My girl was offered residential treatment today...again. As I watched her slack face and half open eyes in the dr.s office, she said, "I will have to think about that." I wanted to jump out of my chair....WTF are you saying?! What in God's name is there to think about?! The thought that she might not want "it" enough after all of my certainty that she most certainly did, does....was horrifying to me.

But I stayed calm. I was quiet. I asked her if she remembered the last time she was in residential and how good she felt? "Yes I know, but I wasn't ready to make this decision today."The dr. graciously gave her until 10:30 tomorrow morning to decide. He assured me he was worried for her as he was sure I am, "but we can't save her." Why not?! Why can't I?! Why am I asked to relinquish control over THIS? It is unnatural for a mother to let go of her sick child. I will stand by that opinion until my dying day....however, I know that when I am able to let go and trust that God has a plan, I personally do much better.

I came home drained. Emotionally and physically. She told me something during our time together that so obviously, so pitifully showed that in her own dysfunctional thinking, she has the best of intentions that she will quit any minute now. It-broke-my-heart. I told her I know she means well, I believe her. I called my sponsor later in the day crying and I poured every gory detail of the day out to her. Bless her heart, she listened. She reminded me that God IS in charge even when it doesn't feel like it, that He see's us, that we are not forgotten. She validated all of my mother feelings and thoughts and pain. Its hard to not be able to fix and mend and nurture. She said, "I think we see the little girl's we have lost and its so hard to let go when we see that child." She told me to write down all of the things I would like to see happen in my girl's life. The miracles I want God to perform.

I told my sponsor about being down at the garden with the dad while he watered and seeing all of the zucchini, the strawberries, the melons, the flowers.....and feeling like because of this little plot of life that she lovingly participates in, I can't give up on her. She has to be the one to take action though. All I get to do is watch. And hope. And mind my own ridiculous business.

Be still and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10 For tonight that is a great comfort to me. We will see what tomorrow holds.



Tori said...

I so sorry Annette. It is so hard to understand when they say they don't want to be like this yet they won't go to a place where they would have a chance to get better.

I hope and pray she goes tomorrow

Signe said...

I love how this was written. I agree with you that it is unnatural for a mother to let go of their sick child. I agree about letting go and letting God. I also think that God works through us all. I think it is distancing from the addiction, not the person that is important. I am so happy that your garden is doing so well. I love that it inspires not to give up. I hope you have a better day, today.

Topper said...

Praying for ya' hard.

Akannie said...

Oh Annette...there is nothing worse than this place you are at now, in my opinion. Knowing that we can't save our son's addictions nearly killed him and me both. lol The wise women in my group always said to me...Just give him to God. And He has a Higher Power and you're not it...All you can do is keep loving him and then love him some more. And all I could think (for a long time) was they just don't understand !!

I know better now, of course. Many of them had been through the same thing, and all lived to tell about it. And they helped me, one stumbling painful step at a let go of him and trust that God had a plan. And to take care of myself, so that I would be there when he finally walked out of the darkness.

Anyways, sister...Just wanted to say I love you and prayers for you and your girl are being flung about the Universe.

Grace-WorkinProgress said...

We want so bad to get into someone's head and have them see what is so clear to us but it never works.

Just as it is for ourselves we are ready when we are ready and not a minute sooner.

We can't force solutions and it is hard to step back and trust that God will do what needs to be done.

Anonymous said...

This is so hard Annette, I mean for me I got to the point with my son that I told him either you go in-patient or you leave. Too much time had gone by, years, waiting for him to turn it around. I know that you tried that once and it didn't work out well, but I just feel like when they continue to stay in our homes with all their needs met and still use there is really no big motivation to stop and they really haven't suffered any big consequences. I don't know how your girl is buying the heroin as I think you said she doesn't work. When my son lost his job he went into major withdrawals and couldn't buy it any longer. If he wanted dope he had to work for it. I'm so hoping that this morning she made a choice to go. We can't fix them that's for sure and we so want to but I think that we can contribute towards their disease, my son would have every intention of quitting but didn't and there really was no motivation, he had all his needs met, living in a home rent free, food provided, and everything else with the exception of cash.

SoberMomWrites said...

Oh I wish there were words...but there are not.

So I'll just pray. For your girl and for you.


Anonymous said...

:( I am hoping and praying your update will be that she DID elect to go.

Her Big Sad said...


beachteacher said...

Oh Annette- reading this makes my heart hurt for your heart- which is such a beautiful one- as well as your daughter's heart & soul. I will continue to pray for her,...she deserves the light & joy of lasting recovery. I'm sorry for this- and can so exactly picture that doctor's office scene. It's still ( much as we know about addiction) SO hard to fathom what they're thinking at those moments - and WTF is such a common reaction to it. I really understand that all too well.

Anna said...

I feel your pain. I pray for both of you.

mary christine said...

I'm so sorry Annette.

dawn said...

This entry, is of course, written after your following posts.
One thing that REALLY confuses me is that she would be required to have a clean UA ???? Iv never heard of such a thing. We collect those on admit to ensure that the subsequent tests go down in value (representative of no more use, of course). The only reason we would not admit is if the client was in need of medical intervention. Though, we'll do a suboxone taper with new admit. Anyway - that's all neither here nor there.
So, she's in ??? !! God is good!!!!
Annette, do you know if she is funded for AT LEAST 90 days? I'm praying that she's funded for 90 days IP and can participate in 9 months of sober living.
I also pray she really really wants this.
Regarding the inpatient or leave discussion , , , this is what I tell my moms who send their son's to our facility , ,

If keeping them at home contributes to their continued use, they must leave. You're only keeping the addiction alive and consequently participating in their ultimate death. It really is the reality.

When the child leaves the ultimatum is typically too difficult to handle so they'll ask for IP treatment.

Either way, a devastating disease for a mom to endure along with your child. I know if/when a child finds recovery after treatment, it is NOTHING Iv done as their counselor, but simply a matter of the client finally learning H.O.W. to find sobriety. Honesty, Openmindedness, and Willingness!!

Lots of prayers for you and yours right now, you are moved to the top of my prayer list and I will check frequently for updates.
There is hope, my friend
With every breath, there is hope