Thursday, June 20, 2013

To be or not to be....

To be clean or not to be clean. To be at peace or not to be at peace. Those are the questions that my girl and I work our way through day by day.

I am ready to go home today. I want to get back to my routine of exercise and walking and being in my own home.

I think this whole gardening adventure is a God thing. For some reason, my girl has glommed onto gardening. In the middle of being so sick or so strung out or so depressed, she will still get her skinny little self up to go out and water and tend to her plants. She has started so many thriving plants from took the cantaloupe seeds right out of our cantaloupe and now has cantaloupe plants growing. Or the morning glories trailing up an arbor on her deck, grown from seeds she harvested from some morning glories that hung over her fence when she lived with the boyfriend.She teaches me as we go along. She teaches me so much. This girl has been by far my greatest teacher.

She quietly goes about her days. I don't know when or how or if or what it will look like for her when life becomes truly a healthy thriving endeavor, but for today she is safe and tending to her garden. For today I can accept that. Its not perfect, it has messy moments, but she is here, safe and still trying to find her way to a different place than she has lived in for the past 10 years.

My girl has never stolen from us....if you can believe that. We have never had to deal with our cars disappearing, or our credit cards being maxed out (we did that ourselves,) or money disappearing.  Even when she helped me take care of g-ma while she was dying, she didn't take any of the meds....she asked me to take the needles out of the house if she was going to be there alone. In her crazy world she makes good choices. She has her moral code which she still tries to live by....even in the depths of addiction. Once during some sort of upset where she was being accused of stealing by another addict, she called me up and said, "Whatever happens, whatever you hear about me, I want you to know one thing. I may be a lot of things, but I have never stolen and I am not a thief." My history with her tells me that is true.

 She is not a "partier." She has no friends, this is not fun anymore. This is survival, managing, trying to feel normal.

My beautiful girl....she doesn't hurt other people, at least not intentionally. She mostly only hurts herself.

I try to not write too much about her here....but she is a beautiful person and I feel like I want to say that today. I don't just love her because she's my daughter...I truly do like her as a person. She has this gentle smile that she will give when she listens to someone talk. It says that she knows exactly what they are saying and she feels their pain. Its says so much without her uttering one word. If she can survive and get past all of this....she will one day be an amazing healthy grown up. That is my prayer. Let her live long enough to experience a good life. Let her be able to share her own story of redemption someday. I pray that for all of our kids.



Summer said...

I have the biggest lump in my throat after reading your post. I love how you describe your daughter and the relationship you have with her. Even in its imperfect, messy, way it is perfectly beautiful. She is so lucky to have a mom like you, Annette. I wish my son was still at that place where, despite his addiction, there was still some innocence left.

I hope your precious girl finds her way very soon. I'm praying for that, praying for all our kids, everyday.

SoberMomWrites said...

I love how you have come to a place of acceptance in all of this. It's so hard.

It's funny - in all the time that you've written about your girl, I've never thought of her as anything but gentle and fragile. She never "appeared" to be a partier, or street addict, or...whatever. Just a kind, broken soul trying to find her way.

I'll keep praying for you and her.


Grace-WorkinProgress said...

Sounds like just for today her life is normal and thriving. Mother nature has a way of healing us when nothing else can.

Hattie Heaton said...

Maybe she nurtures those plants in the loving way that she has been nurtured. Maybe she learns from you as well. It is my prayer as well that they live long enough to enjoy a healthy life.

Heather Harris said...

Beautiful post. Beautiful daughter. Beautiful mother.

...and beautiful garden :)

Thank you for sharing your heart.

Anonymous said...

I always look forward to reading your posts,I learn so much from you. I can feel in my heart what you are saying. I pray for you and your daughter. I pray for my son and all of our sick/suffering children. I pray they will experience life healthy and happy.

Mrs. Dubose said...

I understand everything you say. I am learning to live one day at a time as well. My daughter is in her 3rd month of a rehab program and will soon be going to a halfway house.

I truly understand.

Sending many blessings to you and your beautiful girl.

Pammie said...

You are writing about my own sober daughters initial steps. My beautiful sweet girl. She is 5 years clean and sober is sooo possible! She has taught me more than anyone else and continues to do so. I'm so happy to hear the progress yours has made. Truly..all the way down in my heart.

Sheri said...

I tried to comment when I read this yesterday, but I couldn't find the words to tell you how wonderful it was. I still can't. Your writing always moves me and fills me with good thoughts and hope. Thank you Annette!

Signe said...

What a beautiful garden she has planted! I agree, I think gardening is an open door to God. Like neighbors chatting across a fence, you can actually step through and embrace. As I read this, though, so much of what your daughter sounds like reminds me of my own. So many similarities... One more thing, you wrote about morning glories, has she planted moon flowers? They are the night version of morning glories. Beautiful, big white flowers that seem to shine in the reflection of the moon.

Mary Christine said...

You could have been writing about my daughter! She is so proud that she never stole. I don't know that world, so I just think it is normal. But really, it is normal to steal.

Even when she was in the depths of her addiction, she would come into my house when I wasn't home from time to time. I always kept a small amount of money on my dresser that was for her. She would always call and ask if she could take it.

Oh, thank God those days are over. For 4.5 years now. Thank God.

Syd said...

There is something about digging in the dirt and getting things to grow that is so satisfying. I hope that she will continue to love gardening and growing plants. I'm glad that she is doing well and going about doing those few things right now that make her happy and bring her some peace.

Anna said...

I am just catching up with you here. Every moment spent doing something healthy is a victory.

Chelsie Charmed said...

You sound a lot like my mom and she's my best friend. We have this bond between us that is so strong after everything we have been through. Sometimes everything is said without a single word. If your anything like my mom your girl is really lucky to have you and I believe she has what she needs in you as a parent to eventually get better. Moms aren't perfect but its their love and effort that truly make a difference. I really liked this post. Take Care :D