I don't really have anything to say today, but I just want to write and connect with y'all. So here I am, talking about nothin.
I am away on another week long job. My little one came and spent the day with me yesterday. This is for a family who has young kids and the g-ma living with them. This mama has her hands full! Such a sweet family. Its just g-ma and I here and it so peaceful.
My new night time job has already offered me 5 nights a week from the original 2 that I had signed on for. That would mean I could work in one place for 40 hours a week, quit all of my day jobs and be home during the day to drop off, and pick up and do soccer, and cook and clean and paint my living room and make my home a home once again. Not just a place that we all dash into to sleep at night. I am thinking on it. It sounds good....I just hate to leave a couple of my day clients. I also am nervous about having all of my eggs in one basket.
My girl's detox was not "it." These days I wonder if "it" will ever happen for her.
Some events happened last week, words were exchanged and I blew up. I used guilt and manipulation to try to get my point across. The good news is that we both have enough recovery under our belts that we both knew exactly what I was doing and where it was coming from. As the words flew out of my mouth I was thinking...."just stop." We made an amends within an hour and we could move on. The difference this time was that I could acknowledge that this is a tough journey and I won't always do it perfectly. None of us will in our little circle of family. Her sobriety is not pending on me doing it perfectly, on me doing anything at all. Its not the end of the world that I got mad. If there was ever a situation to provoke the anger of a mother....this would be it! So while not the best way to handle things, it happens. I can give myself that and not beat myself up. That type of blow up used to be my habit, my norm. Now, not so much anymore. Now, hardly ever.
Tomorrow I am meeting a woman who is thinning out her strawberry patch and letting me buy 24 plants for 12.00. My girl is supposed to be at home hoeing out a spot to be our strawberry patch. Whether that happens or not is yet to be seen. I am prepared to do it myself if need be and I am not resentful of that possibility. It just is what it is. That is a lot of progress for me. I used to set things up like this as a test almost. Not consciously of course, but I look back and I can see it now. If she did what was asked, then she met my criteria of good behavior. If not it just confirmed that she was a wreck and I would act disappointed and angry. I am so glad that by God's grace I am able to do things differently now. To not set either one of us up for those types of scenarios. To accept that she is where she is and I can't manipulate her to change that out of guilt or feelings of obligation. Gosh, if all of my tools of manipulation were enough to make her better...it would be done already! There would be no story to tell anymore. Such an ugly and dysfunctional dynamic that I hold the potential for.
There is a lot of good in my life despite the dark spots. I can choose to enjoy the good or I can allow the dark to become all invasive. I do have some say about that and I choose to fill as much of my life space up with light as I can.
"God is light and in Him there is no darkness." John 1:5.