Wednesday, June 19, 2013

A respite....

I don't really have anything to say today, but I just want to write and connect with y'all. So here I am, talking about nothin.

I am away on another week long job. My little one came and spent the day with me yesterday. This is for a family who has young kids and the g-ma living with them. This mama has her hands full!  Such a sweet family. Its just g-ma and I here and it so peaceful.

My new night time job has already offered me 5 nights a week from the original 2 that I had signed on for. That would mean I could work in one place for 40 hours a week, quit all of my day jobs and be home during the day to drop off, and pick up and do soccer, and cook and clean and paint my living room and make my home a home once again. Not just a place that we all dash into to sleep at night. I am thinking on it. It sounds good....I just hate to leave a couple of my day clients. I also am nervous about having all of my eggs in one basket.

My girl's detox was not "it." These days I wonder if "it" will ever happen for her.

Some events happened last week, words were exchanged and I blew up. I used guilt and manipulation to try to get my point across. The good news is that we both have enough recovery under our belts that we both knew exactly what I was doing and where it was coming from. As the words flew out of my mouth I was thinking...."just stop." We made an amends within an hour and we could move on. The difference this time was that I could acknowledge that this is a tough journey and I won't always do it perfectly. None of us will in our little circle of family. Her sobriety is not pending on me doing it perfectly, on me doing anything at all. Its not the end of the world that I got mad. If there was ever a situation to provoke the anger of a mother....this would be it! So while not the best way to handle things, it happens. I can give myself that and not beat myself up. That type of blow up used to be my habit, my norm. Now, not so much anymore. Now, hardly ever.

Tomorrow I am meeting a woman who is thinning out her strawberry patch and letting me buy 24 plants for 12.00. My girl is supposed to be at home hoeing out a spot to be our strawberry patch. Whether that happens or not is yet to be seen. I am prepared to do it myself if need be and I am not resentful of that possibility. It just is what it is. That is a lot of progress for me. I used to set things up like this as a test almost. Not consciously of course, but I look back and I can see it now. If she did what was asked, then she met my criteria of good behavior. If not it just confirmed that she was a wreck and I would act disappointed and angry. I am so glad that by God's grace I am able to do things differently now. To not set either one of us up for those types of scenarios. To accept that she is where she is and I can't manipulate her to change that out of guilt or feelings of obligation. Gosh, if all of my tools of manipulation were enough to make her would be done already! There would be no story to tell anymore. Such an ugly and dysfunctional dynamic that I hold the potential for.

There is a lot of good in my life despite the dark spots. I can choose to enjoy the good or I can allow the dark to become all invasive. I do have some say about that and I choose to fill as much of my life space up with light as I can.

"God is light and in Him there is no darkness." John 1:5.



Anonymous said...

Aw Annette, I'm sorry about your girl. So hard! I used to get myself so stressed out hoping this would be the one that would take and when it didn't, I would often lash out with words I immediately wanted to take back. As sick as our kids are, God bless them, they really do seem to get how hard this is on us and where all of our emotions stem from.

Dawn McCoy said...

I'm kind of looking for that 'grace'...not finding. So angry over what her latest escapade has done to her children. It would be so very much easier for me as the POA if I wasn't raising her kids. As you said, it is what it is

Signe said...

I so understand 'hitting' with words. I also can appreciate (and I did chuckle) having words fly out of your mouth while thinking 'just stop' but continuing to talk (yell) anyway. I feel so bad as I walk out of the room after that happens and then I feel fear hug me, as I worry, 'Did I say too much this time? Is she going to just give up?' But fortunately, she's either not listening or is...I'm hoping she is because she hasn't given up. I also love that you are planning the gardening time with your daughter, but not 'planning' it. That is exactly what gardening is for, healing, and that you're content with planting alone or with her tells me that these strawberries are going to taste so much sweeter than normal. Happy planting. :)

Addiction-A Mothers Perspective said...

I'm sorry this wasn't it for your girl.
We've all had those "did I say that out loud" moments. I'm glad you're able to forgive yourself for yours. You're right, none of us do this journey perfectly. It's a process. Thankfully we can look back at where we were at the beginning and see progress. I have to tell myself almost every day "progress, not perfection."
Hope your strawberry patch does well!

Syd said...

She will surrender when the time is right. I hope that it comes sooner rather than later, but it is something that we can't determine for another.
Those strawberry plants sound great. Ours have already produced for the year. Now the blueberries are in.
Peace to you and your girl.