and I don't really know what to do. I think I should probably just suck it up and smile and let her be. I go to the one meeting that is close to my house since I live in the middle of nowhere. There is a woman who goes there who affects me like nails being pulled down a chalkboard. I feel bad but really I want to jump across the table and tell her to shut the 'F' up! There are all kinds of little complaints that I have about her which I won't list here, of course. Last night someone caught me rolling my eyes though! Not OK. I do feel so strongly about our meetings being a safe place to be and watching someone (me) roll their eyes at someone elses stuff, ruins that safety! In my defense she wasn't talking about her personal life. She had some information to bring to the rest of the meeting but per her usual, she had about a quarter of the information needed and then just says she doesn't know. So we are left with the date we need to be somewhere but don't know what our responsibilities are or the time or the address. And I....rolled my eyes!
These things happen I suppose. We can't like everyone. This is to the point where I don't want to keep going to that meeting though. Its a small meeting and if one person leaves it will be quite obvious. I have missed several weeks in a row just because I wanted to stay home and they started calling me. Which is so nice...I was missed! If they knew how I was feeling though they would probably say, "Yeah, go ahead and stay home!"
So what I have done so far is reached out to my sponsor. I haven't heard back from her yet. I have acknowledged that some of what I see in this woman that bothers me so much is probably mirroring my own behaviors that bother me so much about myself. I am horrified at that idea....but I am sure there is some truth in there. I am thinking that I need to begin to pray for this woman who is not evil personified. She is just a true Alanon....telling everyone what to do, how to do it, correcting ME often which I think is at the heart of the matter if the truth be told. Or if I have an idea she will brush it off and say, "No no no."
I feel like I don't want to be pushed out of my meeting by a personality conflict. So my choices are to let it go and let her be in charge and do things her way. To state my thoughts on issues as they come up as part of the group conscience and if they are shushed away, choose to not take it personally. Confront her....but I would rather chop off my thumbs then do that. Pray, click my heels and think happy thoughts....thats all I've got people.
Feel free to share your ideas. I need your help!