First I would like to thank my "anonymous" commenter for the beautiful prayer that they shared with me in my comment section of my last post. Really, I was so touched by that. What a wonderful reminder to walk in humility and gentleness with all of those I encounter. Email me and let me know who you are please... if you are so inclined. I would love to "meet" you, if I haven't already. :o)
A friend told me about "podcasts." Most of you probably know all about podcasts already. Wow, what a whole new world of listening! I have my audible account which I love. I count days until my next available credit. But podcasts are FREE and I found some great recovery sites.
Yesterday on my walk I listened to an Alanon podcast about "Forcing Solutions." It was three people just carrying on a conversation about what forcing solutions has done in their lives....how it has not worked.
I am a confirmed solution forcer. I love to be the one who finds the solution to everyone elses problems. I love to fix things and be the hero....I think that equates to having a poor self image, but thats a post for another day. I love for other people to be happy and content.
As I walked, I was listening and thinking that the flip side of forcing a solution would be acceptance. Accepting that things may never change. Accepting that I do not know the time table of my life, or anyone elses life changing. My girl could still spend many more years, maybe forever, going in and out of her addictions. So what does that mean for me? It means I have the potential to waste a lot of hours, weeks, months, and years obsessing about that. Looking for signs of improvement, looking for physical and emotional health, seeing each move she makes as either hopeful or crushing, sitting on the edge of my seat watching for any sign of getting better and then feeling the resulting emotions. Not only me, but think of the affects of my hopes and dreams being pinned firmly onto her shoulders. Thats a lot of extra weight to carry. I am able to *tell* her to do what she needs to do to take care of herself, that I will be fine, I know how to take care of myself. My happiness isn't your responsibility....I think my frantic crooked smile and tense body language might send a different message though. lol
However, acceptance leads me to faith, faith in a power greater than myself who can be in charge of all of those concerns and of the future. I don't know the future. I hate that to be honest. I wish I did. But why....so I could behave accordingly? So I could plan for an outcome? So I could feel secure? Well yeah to all of the above! However, that removes my need for God. For someone bigger and better than I am. It removes my need to learn how to trust, and how to surrender and how to accept life as it comes to me. I think if I did know the future, it could seriously lead to some arrogant feelings of being in control and having it all together. Ugly stuff. Some of the most beautiful people I have ever met are not super achievers who can leap over tall buildings in a single bound.....but capable people who have been broken, who are humble, who choose daily to surrender their will and acknowledge that they don't have all the answers, that they need other people, that they need the guidance of a Higher Power (God.) I love meeting people like that....I feel like we are puzzle pieces that fit together. Part of a bigger picture of humanity as a whole.
My depression is lifting....I think the gorgeous weather, my yard getting neatened up, have contributed to my feeling lighter and happier. Thank the Lord....depression sucks.