Saturday, April 6, 2013

An act of my will...

One of my client's front deck is surrounded by lilac bushes. I love going there and I stop and smell them every time I pass. Our first house was surrounded by lilac bushes, 40 year old lilacs that someone who is long gone, had carefully planted so when you opened the windows in the spring, you had this lovely scent wafting through the living room.....oh how I loved those flowers! We have so many Easter pictures of the kids out in front of the lilacs. Those are happy memories. Little Easter dresses, baskets and egg hunts.

I haven't had anything nice to say so I have been trying to be quiet. I have so many days wanted to write here about my rage, my frustration, my being sick of everything, wondering if I had been the one who was sick....would anyone take the time to go to classes, go to support meetings, and read endlessly to find out how to reach me, how to connect with me? I have felt that, no, they probably wouldn't. My family doesn't seem to be especially pro-active when it comes to these things and that quite possibly could be because I have always done everything....which could lead to a whole different post! I have always been the activist in our little world. If something is ailing someone...."we" will figure it out! Do not fear... I will not let you slip away from us. Whatever it may be....and maybe I can change the world while I am at it!

My girl is struggling and that is all I will say about that.  A care-giving friend, one of the only men caregivers I have ever met and worked with was recently diagnosed with cancer. It is not good and he will be in Hospice care soon if he makes it out of the hospital. A client, a sweet little Alzheimer's client has been diagnosed with breast cancer...of course breast cancer is so sad all by itself, but to watch her confusion and lack of understanding but knowing something is wrong, really wrong, is so sad. The family is trying to decide on what treatment, if any, to subject her to. She is relatively young to deal with any of this. 65 years old. An adorable sweet thing. I have heard of two drug overdose deaths recently of people I know personally. I just read that Rick Warren's 27 year old son killed himself. This line in particular really touched me....Warren said that he and his wife often marveled at Matthew's courage "to keep moving in spite of relentless pain." I think of all of our kids who struggle with mental illness, and then add in addiction....what is the answer? It is all just such a tragedy and I pray that God has some answers. That He can provide a solution for all of us.

Part of my sadness is that I want to fix all of the above. LOL And I can't. I keep wishing I didn't work anymore....but then I think it is probably God's mercy on everyone, because I would have all of this time and would be able to meddle and "help" everyone in my world....whether they wanted it or not.  My care-giving friend has a program and I could tell him, "Well you know I'm co-dependent. You can't get cancer and NOT have me all up in your business." He gets it and could I handed him the crockpot filled with dinner. lol

Ok, there are many good things too. A friend recently told me that her husband asked his men's Bible study group to pray for me and my girl. That touched me so much. This same friend called me a "burden bearer" after I commented about what an idiot I am for getting so upset and sad about everyone elses stuff. I thought that  sounded much nicer than co-dependent. lol We have had a houseful of kids for 10 days. I'm tired and looking forward to getting back to our own solitude, but the dad has been so helpful and its been fun to have a bunch of kids around again. Molly came for a sleep-over visit with me and she was just what I needed. She always brings her humor and she adores me! lol She had just finished a heptathlon and had come in second over all. She is currently in first place in Northern Ca. and 4th in the state. Very exciting. She has coaches talking to her, emailing her and calling her...she thinks she is done though. The college level work really is too hard for her with all of her disabilities. She is thinking of getting her AA degree and then entering a certificate program. I commented on how wonderful to end on a good note though and she agreed. "I want to be able to know that I could have gone further if I had wanted to. That it was an option, but I chose to take a different path. I want to be able to say, "no thank you" and then move on with my real life."

I am just worn out. So I am deciding that my attitude needs to be an act of my will right now. I can choose gratitude. I can choose to see the good. I choose not to call this an Alanon slip....I choose to say that I have a lot of sad things in my life that seem to all be hitting right at the same time and I am *feeling* my feelings surrounding them. Its uncomfortable, but its acceptable. Its human....and that is all I am. One big fallible human who keeps putting one foot in front of the other. I can choose to be gentle with myself.

Tonight is a big giant Alanon speaker meeting and then an AA speaker meeting immediately following... I am choosing not to go. Its a 60 mile round trip. I have all of these kids here. I think I will stay home and play cards with the kids. We taught our little friends how to play Skip Bo....they are all about Skip Bo now! lol I refuse to feel guilty for not going....well, I'm trying.



TAAAF said...

Being loving and forgiving and accepting of myself as I struggle with grief and sorrow is hard work. Get off your own back, you're doing the best you can with a heavy load! Staying home to play cards with the kids sounds like a fun time. Bless you.

Sober Mommy said...

:( I am so sorry to see you and your girl are both struggling right now. I will tell you something you told me a while back... "just for today...."

Just for today has stuck with me when I feel so over whelmed by everything. I always go back to that and think that " Just For Today I will.... "

And if that is all I can do, then fine by me!

Hang in there. Take one day at a time for right now.

Signe said...

I'm sorry that you are feeling so overwhelemed. I think the most healing times are those when we get back into just living (like staying home and playing cards). Living life like class is always in session can be draining. You're a good soldier in this fight. Having said that, 'stand down' can be the order of the day. You deserve it.

Syd said...

Annette, you have had a lot of struggles lately. Give yourself a break and realize that you can't solve the problems of the world or of anyone else. It will dearly cost you to take on the burden of so many. I have to keep telling myself that I can love people but can't control or cure them. Glad that you are taking it easy to do something for yourself. Just staying home and relaxing is refreshing to the body and spirit. Love ya.