Rough week
Class tonight was on "empathy." I am naturally an empathetic person, compassionate.....but this was a new level of empathy. To be honest, I am overwhelmed and confused right now. I have my Alanon voice, my NAMI voice, the medical professionals voice, my girls voice, and my own voice all churning through my head, saying different things.
I think what I need to focus on right now is that I don't have to figure anything out tonight. I can put the whole big fat ugly mess into God's hands and let Him handle it for the next 12 hours while I go to bed.
I have a sinking feeling that I am about to be led into a new level of letting go. I thought I had done all of that that I could. I have let go of so so many things.....too many and too private to list here.
I am beginning to think that letting go while they live out their lives in the ways that they see fit, usually by not taking our advice, but forging on making some of the same dangerous and might I add.....ridiculous mistakes over and over again, doing it their own way...is this ongoing and often agonizing life lesson that *I* get to keep re-visiting.
Tonight I am feeling a wee bit resentful about that.
Still praying for God's grace.
Annette
I think what I need to focus on right now is that I don't have to figure anything out tonight. I can put the whole big fat ugly mess into God's hands and let Him handle it for the next 12 hours while I go to bed.
I have a sinking feeling that I am about to be led into a new level of letting go. I thought I had done all of that that I could. I have let go of so so many things.....too many and too private to list here.
I am beginning to think that letting go while they live out their lives in the ways that they see fit, usually by not taking our advice, but forging on making some of the same dangerous and might I add.....ridiculous mistakes over and over again, doing it their own way...is this ongoing and often agonizing life lesson that *I* get to keep re-visiting.
Tonight I am feeling a wee bit resentful about that.
Still praying for God's grace.
Annette
Comments
I continue to have a hard time with accepting how my son has changed. It's a hurt that doesn't seem to heal, no matter what I try. My struggles seem to be repetitive.
As to letting go, I believe that you Annette, should listen to your own voice. There are all kinds of degrees of letting go, some healthy and some not. For example, when does letting go turn into disinterest and estrangement?
The degree to which you let go has to be comfortable for you and make sense and also, depends upon the situation.
Holly
Sat with my Therapist this am and heard myself saying, "I thought I had my future goals, direction, and life figured out"
Then we both laughed. Ha, as if!!!
Life's a dance; we learn as we go, day at a time and people , places , and things are EVER changing.
But those who seemingly "choose" staleness (for lack of better word) well,, 'choose' it.
The thing I apparently have to learn over and over,, is to be mindful of how "I" respond to people, places, and things. . To be mindful of self-care and healthy living.
That said, I can get drawn in in a NY minute and allow other's behaviors and choices sabotage my sunny day. And THEN, yes, resentments roll and I am finding myself in a really really bad place.
This is why I am still searching , Annette, for more input. I desire reaching this place where I do not intuitively get sucked into the crap - but rather,,, intuitively, just as we breathe, I am seeing it for what 'it' is and accepting the countless things I cannot change.
BUT ITS SOOOOOO HARD SOME DAYS
So, I've been reading Oswald Chambers FOR YEARS. I love his directness, I love his humility, I love how he gets right to the point of the matter. I really like reading from his original text; the language is so beautiful, challenging, but just fabulous. I read "My Utmost for His Highest" every day and generally read the updated version. ANYWAY,, lol,, following is an excerpt from another one of his writings and it made me thing of our dialogue here.
We are apt to think that everything that happens to us is to be turned into useful teaching; it is to be turned into something better than teaching , , , , , ,(viz) We shall find that the spheres God brings us into are not meant to teach us something but to "make" us something. (The Love of God—The of the Unnoticed, 664 L)
Give yourself a moment to "rest" and time to figure it out.
I thought this was so harsh. Where is the compassion but really what is more compassionate than giving someone their life back and taking my own life back too. Trusting God to look out for us both.
Just like them our days are numbered on this earth and finding joy and purpose is what we are here for.
I have let go of so many ideas that I had about my life. I have wished a lot of my life away waiting for something or someone to do something.
I just learned that waiting for something to happen means that this moment isn't good enough for me.
Emotional sickness can lock us into a holding pattern and before we know it decades have been lost.
In these times fun seems like a foreign concept. Finding our child like joy is hard but worth it.