Thursday, March 21, 2013

Rough week

Class tonight was on "empathy." I am naturally an empathetic person, compassionate.....but this was a new level of empathy. To be honest, I am overwhelmed and confused right now. I have my Alanon voice, my NAMI voice, the medical professionals voice, my girls voice, and my own voice all churning through my head, saying different things.

I think what I need to focus on right now is that I don't have to figure anything out tonight. I can put the whole big fat ugly mess into God's hands and let Him handle it for the next 12 hours while I go to bed.

I have a sinking feeling that I am about to be led into a new level of letting go. I thought I had done all of that that I could. I have let go of so so many things.....too many and too private to list here.

I am beginning to think that letting go while they live out their lives in the ways that they see fit, usually by not taking our advice, but forging on making some of the same dangerous and might I add.....ridiculous mistakes over and over again, doing it their own way...is this ongoing and often agonizing life lesson that *I* get to keep re-visiting.

Tonight I am feeling a wee bit resentful about that.

Still praying for God's grace.
Annette

9 comments:

Signe said...

My first thought was, 'You sound over-whelmed.' My second thought was,'Which is the loudest voice in your head?' They all are valid voices, but one of them is speaking louder than the others. What is it saying? I ask that because with so much to think about, it can be exhausting. Maybe quieting the others just to follow the one, for a while, will be less stressful. Plus, it might be easier to hear what God is telling you. I'm just suggesting. Only you know what is best for you.

Anonymous said...

Annette,
I continue to have a hard time with accepting how my son has changed. It's a hurt that doesn't seem to heal, no matter what I try. My struggles seem to be repetitive.
As to letting go, I believe that you Annette, should listen to your own voice. There are all kinds of degrees of letting go, some healthy and some not. For example, when does letting go turn into disinterest and estrangement?
The degree to which you let go has to be comfortable for you and make sense and also, depends upon the situation.

Holly

TAAAF said...

I have found that letting go might feel like something I'm not sure I want to do before I do it, but afterwards, I am always delighted that I won't have that driving me nuts anymore.

dawn said...

Oooooooooohhhh; I get this Annette.

Sat with my Therapist this am and heard myself saying, "I thought I had my future goals, direction, and life figured out"

Then we both laughed. Ha, as if!!!

Life's a dance; we learn as we go, day at a time and people , places , and things are EVER changing.

But those who seemingly "choose" staleness (for lack of better word) well,, 'choose' it.

The thing I apparently have to learn over and over,, is to be mindful of how "I" respond to people, places, and things. . To be mindful of self-care and healthy living.

That said, I can get drawn in in a NY minute and allow other's behaviors and choices sabotage my sunny day. And THEN, yes, resentments roll and I am finding myself in a really really bad place.

This is why I am still searching , Annette, for more input. I desire reaching this place where I do not intuitively get sucked into the crap - but rather,,, intuitively, just as we breathe, I am seeing it for what 'it' is and accepting the countless things I cannot change.
BUT ITS SOOOOOO HARD SOME DAYS

dawn said...

me again , , ,
So, I've been reading Oswald Chambers FOR YEARS. I love his directness, I love his humility, I love how he gets right to the point of the matter. I really like reading from his original text; the language is so beautiful, challenging, but just fabulous. I read "My Utmost for His Highest" every day and generally read the updated version. ANYWAY,, lol,, following is an excerpt from another one of his writings and it made me thing of our dialogue here.
We are apt to think that everything that happens to us is to be turned into useful teaching; it is to be turned into something better than teaching , , , , , ,(viz) We shall find that the spheres God brings us into are not meant to teach us something but to "make" us something. (The Love of God—The of the Unnoticed, 664 L)

Anna said...

Ask the experts on mental illness and drug addiction and you will get opposing views. It is a huge dilema. I walk this road with you and wish you all the best. Take care of yourself first. You always make time for others.

Tori said...

Oh Annette it just sucks. It is so hard to know what the right thing is for us to do.

Give yourself a moment to "rest" and time to figure it out.

Grace-WorkinProgress said...

When I first got into the program they told me I needed to get a life and stop focusing on what other people were doing, even the alcoholic. It was his life and he was entitled to throw it away if he wanted.

I thought this was so harsh. Where is the compassion but really what is more compassionate than giving someone their life back and taking my own life back too. Trusting God to look out for us both.

Just like them our days are numbered on this earth and finding joy and purpose is what we are here for.

I have let go of so many ideas that I had about my life. I have wished a lot of my life away waiting for something or someone to do something.

I just learned that waiting for something to happen means that this moment isn't good enough for me.

Emotional sickness can lock us into a holding pattern and before we know it decades have been lost.

In these times fun seems like a foreign concept. Finding our child like joy is hard but worth it.

Syd said...

New dimensions of letting go come up all the time. I recently just learned about letting go with those who are dying and simply let them move along to whatever lies beyond living. I had no choice. And it was a valuable lesson. I hope that things will get easier for you.