Last night a woman was telling me how she will ask her husband who has been sober for 5 years, "Have you been drinking?" Every now and then the fears come over her in a wave and she will ask. He mostly accepts this and answers in the negative. But a few times he's gotten defensive and angry...I'm an adult by golly, when will you stop wondering what I am doing?!
I commented that I don't ask those questions anymore. I don't search through someone else's possessions anymore, I don't spend any time *trying* to catch someone messing up, I don't spend a lot of time wondering about all of that right now. I just don't. I feel like if someone is using or doing what they aren't supposed to, it will all be revealed when it is supposed to be. I am always aware that it is a possibility but I don't have to search for trouble. These are my choices, not my natural behaviors.
I think part of what is helping me to be in this place, because this is certainly something new....and NOT my usual behavior, is that she is in outpatient treatment. They test her, they can keep tabs on what she's up to and how she's doing for awhile. Thankfully, its a year long program! So for today, I am taking some time off. I am going to mind my own business and let her tend to her's.
The fruit of this decision is...is relative calm. She is being allowed to be accountable to who she set it up to be accountable to, and its not me. I can wait for the question....if she needs my input she will ask. If she messes up she can deal with that.
I was thinking about how the addict/alcoholic is to us what a drink is to the alcoholic, or a needle to the addict. We drink our "qualifiers." I am doing fine having my girl at home for now. Its all gone as well as can be expected. (Although I have gained 10lbs and I do place that firmly on the shoulders of this situation! lol) But there is always that little itch in my spirit. I am behaving in all the right ways. I am doing what I should be doing....but there is always that little niggle inside me that knows what she is doing too. I may not take action, or say anything but I am actively having to let go, to mind my own business. I have to pick this everyday. As situations arise, I have to think my way through it and figure out my response and not just *react.*
It is what it is, I guess. Its what we have right now.