Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Don't go looking for trouble...

Last night a woman was telling me how she will ask her husband who has been sober for 5 years, "Have you been drinking?" Every now and then the fears come over her in a wave and she will ask. He mostly accepts this and answers in the negative. But a few times he's gotten defensive and angry...I'm an adult by golly, when will you stop wondering what I am doing?!

I commented that I don't ask those questions anymore. I don't search through someone else's possessions anymore, I don't spend any time *trying* to catch someone messing up, I don't spend a lot of time wondering about all of that right now. I just don't. I feel like if someone is using or doing what they aren't supposed to, it will all be revealed when it is supposed to be. I am always aware that it is a possibility but I don't have to search for trouble. These are my choices, not my natural behaviors.

I think part of what is helping me to be in this place, because this is certainly something new....and NOT my usual behavior, is that she is in outpatient treatment. They test her, they can keep tabs on what she's up to and how she's doing for awhile. Thankfully, its a year long program! So for today, I am taking some time off. I am going to mind my own business and let her tend to her's.

The fruit of this decision is...is relative calm. She is being allowed to be accountable to who she set it up to be accountable to, and its not me. I can wait for the question....if she needs my input she will ask. If she messes up she can deal with that.

I was thinking about how the addict/alcoholic is to us what a drink is to the alcoholic, or a needle to the addict. We drink our "qualifiers." I am doing fine having my girl at home for now. Its all gone as well as can be expected. (Although I have gained 10lbs and I do place that firmly on the shoulders of this situation! lol) But there is always that little itch in my spirit. I am behaving in all the right ways. I am doing what I should be doing....but there is always that little niggle inside me that knows what she is doing too. I may not take action, or say anything but I am actively having to let go, to mind my own business. I have to pick this everyday. As situations arise, I have to think my way through it and figure out my response and not just *react.*

It is what it is, I guess. Its what we have right now.

Annette

9 comments:

SoberMomRocks said...

If I haven't mentioned it lately...When I grow up I want to be you.

Sherry

Grace-WorkinProgress said...

It is hard to trust when that trust has been broken. But spending so much time in someone else is business is draining spiritually and really doesn't keep them from doing what they want anyway.

I can waste my time preparing myself for the worst. If it does happen I will have plenty of time to worry about it then.

Dad and Mom said...

A long time ago I was always asking those types of questions and then some wise blogger I cannot remember who, might have been you wrote about telephones.

Calling our addicts to see how things were going. We already knew exactly how things were going, they were living on the street and using.

Picking up that phone was called, "Dialing for Pain". Sounds like a game show title doesn't it.

Stephanie D. Birch said...

Annette, I think you are embracing the whole "Let go and let God" philosophy beautifully. It's nice to hear flowery words like these, but applying them is...well, its very hard and c=sometimes a constant battle. I admire your strength, your courage and your resolve. Love you so much!

Syd said...

I am reminded by this post of being powerless over others and what they do. I think the first three steps are so powerful in relieving me of my insane probing about others.

Anonymous said...

I appreciate your words of wisdom.I struggle (internally) everyday with "staying on my side of the street"....

Signe said...

I agree with Grace, trust is so fragile. I understand how the woman in your post feels. Sometimes, I just blurt it out,"Did you think about buying alcohol?" Then I think, "Did I just put that idea in her head and screw everything up?" I hate these feelings.

Annette said...

I guess the way I view the trust issue is that I don't trust the addict. Just as I am powerless over their choices, they are powerless over their substance....it wouldn't be a problem if they had control over it. I do trust in my HP though, to be in charge, to use each relapse, each time of using to bring my addict to the end of herself. If I can truly invest my trust in His abilities, then I can let go of what my addicted child is doing. My .02 worth. :o)

susan said...

It took me forever to get it. Snooping and prying doesn't change anything but my serenity. So very happy that I let it go. I also stopped being general manager of the universe. What an exhausting job!