Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Grabbing some serenity wherever I can find it.....
So this morning I left work and I thought that I didn't feel like walking, I would sit in my warm car and read with a big cup of Starbucks coffee and a doughnut (yeah, I said it!!) until it was time to go to my next stop. Or maybe I would treat myself to a big breakfast of bacon and eggs....I NEVER eat bacon and eggs. That thinking of, "ugh this is hard, I think I will treat/reward/comfort myself with something yummy" is old behavior.
Finally, I made a decision. I got my good coffee, ate a 90 calorie granola bar and a banana, and went to a different walking place than my usual.That small change was exactly what I needed! The photo on the right is the view from the top of the trail of a little historic gold mining town. The river runs right through it. This walk is relatively short, 3 miles, but really hilly and I love it. Its a fast heart thumper of a work-out. The trail is relatively deserted so while I walked I had a good cry, I prayed, I planned some conversations I needed to have, and then I quieted my thoughts and took some time to just "be" on the trail. To take some pictures, to look at my surroundings, to enjoy the cold misty morning air and then I did my slow run/jog/shuffle down the back side of the mountain and back to civilization. It was so good. I felt like I was taking care of myself.
I am currently infuriated and frustrated with our HMO. I won't go into all of the details, but the word "clusterf*ck" fits perfectly. Everything requires a run around of phone calls, emails, referrals, "oh no, you don't need a referral for that," "yes you do," no you don't," "yes you do," "no you...." on and on and on. Its been 3 months of this, hurrying up to wait, waiting a few days to see Dr. so and so to have him say...."oh you don't meet our criteria." "Ohhhhhh, you tripped and fell. Now you do meet our criteria." Apparently you have to fail out of certain aspects of treatment to be allowed to receive the treatment that you need, that you asked for the first day you walked through their doors. Its a torturous process.
In the mean time someone I love is hanging on by a thread to her sobriety and her sanity while I continue to walk the fine line of what to do and what not to do, when to step in and when not to step in. When really, in all honesty, I want to grab someone by the collar and scream, "Listen to her!!!"
God is in charge. This I believe. I am just so impatient and tired.
I'm still praying....you do the same.