Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Grabbing some serenity wherever I can find it.....

I have a particularly difficult client right now. Life at home requires work and a lot of thought right now too. Usually work is an escape, a place to get positive strokes and its usually very rewarding. Not this time. I leave this person's home feeling depleted most mornings. I have been praying that God would open another door for me if I am to leave and if I am to stay, provide the grace I need to love this man unconditionally.

So this morning I left work and I thought that I didn't feel like walking, I would sit in my warm car and read with a big cup of Starbucks coffee and a doughnut (yeah, I said it!!) until it was time to go to my next stop. Or maybe I would treat myself to a big breakfast of bacon and eggs....I NEVER eat bacon and eggs. That thinking of, "ugh this is hard, I think I will treat/reward/comfort myself with something yummy" is old behavior.

Finally, I made a decision. I got my good coffee, ate a 90 calorie granola bar and a banana, and went to a different walking place than my usual.That small change was exactly what I needed! The photo on the right is the view from the top of the trail of a little historic gold mining town. The river runs right through it. This walk is relatively short, 3 miles, but really hilly and I love it. Its a fast heart thumper of a work-out. The trail is relatively deserted so while I walked I had a good cry, I prayed, I planned some conversations I needed to have, and then I quieted my thoughts and took some time to just "be" on the trail. To take some pictures, to look at my surroundings, to enjoy the cold misty morning air and then I did my slow run/jog/shuffle down the back side of the mountain and back to civilization. It was so good. I felt like I was taking care of myself.

I am currently infuriated and frustrated with our HMO. I won't go into all of the details, but the word "clusterf*ck" fits perfectly. Everything requires a run around of phone calls, emails, referrals, "oh no, you don't need a referral for that," "yes you do," no you don't," "yes you do," "no you...." on and on and on. Its been 3 months of this, hurrying up to wait, waiting a few days to see Dr. so and so to have him say...."oh you don't meet our criteria." "Ohhhhhh, you tripped and fell. Now you do meet our criteria." Apparently you have to fail out of certain aspects of treatment to be allowed to receive the treatment that you need, that you asked for the first day you walked through their doors. Its a torturous process.

In the mean time someone I love is hanging on by a thread to her sobriety and her sanity while I continue to walk the fine line of what to do and what not to do, when to step in and when not to step in. When really, in all honesty, I want to grab someone by the collar and scream, "Listen to her!!!"

God is in charge. This I believe. I am just so impatient and tired. 

I'm still do the same.


Hattie Heaton (Mom of an Addict) said...

Praying....and I'm gonna start a novena (9 days of prayer) I'm gonna do the "Mary undoer of knots" google it and if interested, I"ll send you the prayers.

Anonymous said...

Im sorry things are so rough right now. I understand the frustration with the insurance. Its funny Hubby and I were just talking about this last night and reminiscing how I nearly crawled out of my own skin from post part depression while they shoved me here and there, lost my info 3x, and finally after 6wks of getting no where I completely flipped out on them... suddenly they believed me that I needed help, LOL. We laugh now, but it wasnt funny at the time! No fun :(

Thinking of you and your girl. Hope things start turning around soon!

Signe said...

I swear I think that all treatment, but especially those in recovery, is governed only by insurance--the 'qualifying' dictator. A lot of other rocks in the road, but I think that is the biggest boulder. I'm sorry for that struggle that continues. I love that you chose the 'the other path' before work, rather than the path of old behaviors. I'm proud of you! :)

Syd said...

Your walk and view look amazing. I hope that things get resolved with the HMO. I too get impatient of paperwork. But sometimes I just have to be taught that my urgency doesn't seem to make anyone else move faster. Time to let go then.