Monday, January 21, 2013

Going back to the scene of the accident.....

I am reading a book called Dying To Survive by Rachel Keogh who is telling the story of her heroin addiction and how in the end of her years of using, her arms had huge gaping holes in them and were literally rotting and she was at great risk of having them amputated.

Yes....I am really reading that. Why do I do this to myself? Although now I am getting to the part where she is hitting her bottom and choosing recovery, choosing to get well, no matter what the cost....and I am not talking about money. She is willing to lay herself out there for the media, to tell her story, to share her shame, "just someone please help me." Today she is clean....I googled her to check....and she has a baby, has gone to college, is a published author. Encouraging stuff. It can happen.

I think reading stories like this and I will admit, I watch Intervention too....is like going back to the scene of the accident. I am compelled to look at this stuff. The dad and big brother say, "Why do you watch this? We have enough of it in our real lives!" I think its because in my own weird and warped ways, I am facing my reality over and over again. I am affirming in my own head and heart.....yes this is real, this is your world, and this is what you are living through. Don't forget it....don't let it take you by surprise. Ever. If I can look at it from every angle maybe I will understand it better.

I remember many years ago, I had a car accident. I was alone in the car but the dad had to come with 3 year old big brother, and 1 year "my girl," to pick me up off the side of the road where I had rear ended a car and pushed it into the car in front of it. I had a Volvo at the time, a sturdy car, but it was totaled. It was a horrible experience. No one was hurt except for the big scrape right down the middle of my throat where my chin had hit the steering wheel....seat belt laws were made for people like me! Anyway, the littles saw all of this.....the smashed car, my bleeding chin and throat, and for months afterward, big brother would say, "You had a car crash.....but you were ok, huh mama." Or if we drove by the spot...."you crashed into another car right here, but you were ok, huh mama." "You scraped your "froat" but you are ok, huh mama." For months this went on. He went over the accident and what he saw over and over again. It scared the heck out of the little thing and this was him processing it all and reassuring himself that his "mama" was ok, that there was no danger in our immediate circle of life as far as any of us knew.

I think my reading drug horror stories and watching intervention is like that. Its my 3 year old way of processing this life that came and took us all by surprise 10 years ago. I don't know when or if this processing will ever stop....and for now I can just say that it is what it is. For some reason its what I need to do.

Still praying.....
Annette


12 comments:

abbie said...

I also love Intervention. It gives me gratitude. As a recovering addict, I know it is out there waiting for me, if I choose to ignore the necessary daily steps I must take to continue on this clean road. Don't apologize for liking that. Sometimes it can help us to brace for the worst case scenarios, and sometimes it makes us grateful that we don't have THAT going on, now. Blessings!

Hattie Heaton (Mom of an Addict) said...

Beautiful observation....and hard for many to understand....but I do.

Erin said...

I did the same thing after my son overdoes and nearly died in August, I would go on youtube and find other stories similar to what happened to my son and I would watch actual overdoses. I don't do that anymore, I still have flashbacks of finding him laying on his bedroom floor gurgling, 30 minutes away from death I was told. It really messed with my mind for months afterwards, when I start to go there in my head now I stop myself. He has had five months clean time right now. At this point, I have been making an effort to really not watch anything related to heroin addiction, I attend my Nar-Anon group that really helps, even reading too many blogs I find puts me back in the place of focusing on my son instead of my recovery. It sure isn't easy.

Jen said...

Wow! What a great analogy! I love this post! It makes me realize that I must go back to thinking of where I've been and where I want to go. I always felt weird about watching addiction shows and reading biographies about addiction. I hide them well. But they honestly do help me deal with some of the shit Ive buried deep within.
I'm excited to read more of your posts!
Jen
Day 8

Jen said...

I love this post! What a great analogy! I can't wait to read more of your posts!

I, too, kinda hid the fact that I watch Intervention and like biographies about addiction. They do help me deal with some of the shit I've buried deep within. Your post helps me realize that it's ok to go back to being that 3 year old that needs to see over and over again that things are okay and I'm safe! Helps me see where I've been and where I want to go!

Hugs
Jen
Day 8

Signe said...

Excellent. Processing the accident, looking for clues, always trying to understand what the heck happened/is happening/might happen. You really explained this well.

Topper said...

I get it, and I do the same thing....I wonder why I am compelled to watch/read, but it helps me process what I'm living through.

Tori said...

I still read books like you are reading too.

I think I am still trying to understand in some silly way.

New Sober Life said...

It keeps it fresh for me, i dont ever want to forget how it was and how it maybe again if i pick up! Thanks for the post.

Syd said...

We all process things in our own way. Mine is to read and study about the problem. Maybe that's why I wanted so badly to work the steps in Al-Anon. But that is something that I can't intellectualize. I simply need to do the foot work and let my HP do the rest.

Mrs. Dubose said...

I am reading through your old posts! How I relate to you. My daughter and I watched Intervention for years! We hated the relapses so much. This past year when she was released from her 4th stay in a hospital (in one year, 50 days!!) she wanted to watch it and I finally said no, it was like watching my own life. I actually hired an interventionist finally and that is how she got to rehab. A few months ago she was hating it at her halfway house and said Mom, you don't get it, these people are just like the people on Intervention. And I said, I wish I took a video dear daughter, you would be surprised to know you look EXACTLY like the people on Intervention.
Sigh. It is hard to be the Mom of an addict.

Mrs. Dubose said...

I am reading through your old posts! How I relate to you. My daughter and I watched Intervention for years! We hated the relapses so much. This past year when she was released from her 4th stay in a hospital (in one year, 50 days!!) she wanted to watch it and I finally said no, it was like watching my own life. I actually hired an interventionist finally and that is how she got to rehab. A few months ago she was hating it at her halfway house and said Mom, you don't get it, these people are just like the people on Intervention. And I said, I wish I took a video dear daughter, you would be surprised to know you look EXACTLY like the people on Intervention.
Sigh. It is hard to be the Mom of an addict.