Force fields

Recently I have been reading the Hunger Games trilogy. I just finished book 2, Catching Fire. I think I mentioned a few months back that these are not my first choice, but my little one was reading them and loved them and asked me to read them too. I couldn't refuse. I was being invited into her world. So I have been *slowly* making my way through. They are actually better than I anticipated.

Within the stories of book 2 are "force fields." I don't think I have *ever* read a book that contained force fields. I really don't even know if force fields should be one word as in "forcefields" or two, as in "force fields." Katniss Everdeen is running full speed ahead and crashes into an invisible force field.

I've been thinking how addiction is like that.....its an invisible force field that separates us from each other, from the life that we could be living...we, our addicts and ourselves, crash into it over and over again, banging our heads against this invisible wall of addiction.

It made me think of the damage that is done to our relationships through out the years of repeatedly banging around and navigating the world of addiction. My three *other* children all include me in their life. They invite me in in many different ways. They like me. They like to be with me and I love being with them. We laugh and have so much fun. I can ask them questions like, "How did your dr. appointment go?" Or "how's work?" Or "how you doin honey?"  And its not viewed as intrusive or meddling.

I feel that addiction has warped my relationship with my girl. I have spent an inordinate amount of time trying to detach from her and she has spent an inordinate amount of time keeping me out of her life, fearing my disapproval. Its made us weird! Recently I keep seeing this force field that she and I keep running in to. Its in our way. I am hoping that in time it will begin to dissolve. Its just another darn thing that I have to be patient on. Is there no end to that list?!

And I know I made this big proclamation that I was done blogging about addiction, that there is more to me than just being the mom of a drug addict.....but I am still here in the thick of it all. So while I do most certainly want to respect her privacy, I apparently will still be sharing my journey, because I can't help it! I have to process it all somewhere and y'all are a lot less expensive than all the therapy I probably need.

So here I am...still blogging about many of the same old things, still praying for the same old things, but I always feel hopeful. Things are always changing and evolving and someday, just maybe, we will all be at peace and accepting of where we all find ourselves. Someday maybe there will be healing in abundance and we all will be ok, one way or another.

Annette