Friday, January 18, 2013

Force fields

Recently I have been reading the Hunger Games trilogy. I just finished book 2, Catching Fire. I think I mentioned a few months back that these are not my first choice, but my little one was reading them and loved them and asked me to read them too. I couldn't refuse. I was being invited into her world. So I have been *slowly* making my way through. They are actually better than I anticipated.

Within the stories of book 2 are "force fields." I don't think I have *ever* read a book that contained force fields. I really don't even know if force fields should be one word as in "forcefields" or two, as in "force fields." Katniss Everdeen is running full speed ahead and crashes into an invisible force field.

I've been thinking how addiction is like that.....its an invisible force field that separates us from each other, from the life that we could be living...we, our addicts and ourselves, crash into it over and over again, banging our heads against this invisible wall of addiction.

It made me think of the damage that is done to our relationships through out the years of repeatedly banging around and navigating the world of addiction. My three *other* children all include me in their life. They invite me in in many different ways. They like me. They like to be with me and I love being with them. We laugh and have so much fun. I can ask them questions like, "How did your dr. appointment go?" Or "how's work?" Or "how you doin honey?"  And its not viewed as intrusive or meddling.

I feel that addiction has warped my relationship with my girl. I have spent an inordinate amount of time trying to detach from her and she has spent an inordinate amount of time keeping me out of her life, fearing my disapproval. Its made us weird! Recently I keep seeing this force field that she and I keep running in to. Its in our way. I am hoping that in time it will begin to dissolve. Its just another darn thing that I have to be patient on. Is there no end to that list?!

And I know I made this big proclamation that I was done blogging about addiction, that there is more to me than just being the mom of a drug addict.....but I am still here in the thick of it all. So while I do most certainly want to respect her privacy, I apparently will still be sharing my journey, because I can't help it! I have to process it all somewhere and y'all are a lot less expensive than all the therapy I probably need.

So here I am...still blogging about many of the same old things, still praying for the same old things, but I always feel hopeful. Things are always changing and evolving and someday, just maybe, we will all be at peace and accepting of where we all find ourselves. Someday maybe there will be healing in abundance and we all will be ok, one way or another.

Annette

7 comments:

SoberMomRocks said...

I love the way your brain processes stuff.

Sherry

Lolly said...

I love the way you write. I love the "feel" of this new blog...more peaceful. More serene. And it's your blog so write about whatever you want. I think you gave me similar advice awhile back. Your blog is for you and no one else. No need for excuses as to what you are still writing about. Some body, somewhere will need to hear what you have to say here and it will be just what they needed to hear. I am glad that you are still blogging. I feel good when I read your blogs. Beautiful words from a beautiful person. Thanks Annette!

Signe said...

I like this visual. The force field is such a good description of what it's like. Also, I think it's good to process the addiction experiences you have as well as other thoughts and observations of other experiences. It's all a part of the life you are leading. And you have such good insights. :)

Topper said...

Like the new blog look! Imwanted to comment on what you wrote today, because it echos some thoughts I have had this/week. Your descritpion of the "force field" and how it disrupts communication with our loved ones is very accurate. I have been thinking all week after some incidents of how our normal, loving interchanges are somehow distorted with our addicted loved ones. We cannot talk to them normally, so many topics are minefields of stress.....one ofmthe thing that makes me the saddest is that my normal "what going on?" Is not something I can say to my son....you describe it perfectly.....

Anonymous said...

I have agonized many times over how my son's addiction has hurt our once strong, loving and trusting relationship. Substances have altered his thinking and behavior to a huge extent. His personality is changed.
I understand your post very well. We have attachment to our children and that's how it should be. And yet, sometimes the only way to cope, is for us to detach ourselves and have distance rather than closeness. I yearn for closeness with my son, but at the same time, don't want to get hurt.
I believe very much that all relationships should be mutual and reciprical. This is what I still aim for, but know that we have a long way to go to get there.

Holly

nancy said...

Annette,

I am so glad you are still blogging. You are one of my favorite blogs to read. I have learned so much. I found your other blog in November and when I read that you were taking it down I was so sad. I tried to read it all and related to so much of your story and your daughter journey. I have been on this journey with my daughter for 7 years. please keep writing.

Mrs. Dubose said...

I am having trouble blogging without addressing the addict in my life, too. It's such a release to be able to do it and no one understands like another parent. I read TONS of blogs, TONS, and I rarely comment on any.