I wonder how many posts I have written about letting go through the years. It seems to be a running theme for me....let go, but dont abandon. Finding that balance.
The month of July has been filled with so much good. Of course Landon coming to us healthy and safe was filled with so much joy, but also big brother and his beauty came for a visit to meet Landon and we had SO MUCH FUN with those two. I laughed until my cheeks hurt and I couldn't catch my breath. Those kinds of laughs are priceless.
While we were having fun and enjoying each other, my girl really struggled. July was really hard on her. I had to choose what I was going to do....and I chose to let her stuff be her's. The door was open to her always, she was invited and included, but it was all too much and she declined our invitations. We let her be where she was. Its a new month and I see her working to get herself back on track.
So letting go.....during Landon's delivery, I watched Molly and "kind heart" work together so well. He was present and supportive and if he could have delivered Landon from his own body for Molly, he would have. As I watched them labor together, I was so aware that this was their circle and I had been invited in. This was not my territory. This was not my show. I was there only as a support person, by invitation, as they forged on ahead to bring their baby into this world. It felt good to know my place. To see the differentiation between their life together and mine. It hit me that it felt GOOD to LET GO in this situation. I was letting Molly go into safety, to someone who loves her, its a good thing and it felt joyful to be able to do this. It wasn't scary, I had no inclination to grab on or to cling or try to control everything.
This awareness was such a powerful thing, it was like having someone pour grace and care all over me. All of this time I have felt like I was a failure at letting go, just a controlling crazy woman who can never mind her own business, and in this moment, I realized that is not true. I CAN let go. I can healthfully allow my children to go on and live their lives without my input unless asked for, I can wait for the question....it is the circumstances, the very real danger that has swirled all around one of mine's lives that has tripped me up. It has gone against nature to totally let go of this particular child in sometimes horrible circumstances. That she is only on my mind, that I dont take action at every perceived danger, is tremendous progress for a MOTHER to live in. I have been responding to the unthinkable in the most sane and loving ways I have been able to figure out.....and that is good enough.
It was this moment of acceptance for myself. Self love, grace, compassion, mercy....for me. Every time I think about it I cry. I am ok! I am doing fine. As well as anyone can be in these circumstances. I have lived my life always feeling like I am striving to get to the next level of "good enough" and this experience showed me I am already there. I am doing just fine.
I pray pray pray that every mom can hear these words. Can know that perfection is not our goal. Trusting ourselves to take good care of us, to extend grace and mercy and compassion to our mom's hearts that are wanting to heal and put together and mend....no matter how much Alanon, or personal work we do, at our core, I believe every mom wants their child to be ok. We learn how to walk and behave and not get in the way of our children's journey, but in our hearts we carry that desire to heal and bring wholeness. To at least try....and there is no shame in that.
Love yourselves today.