Choosing Happiness

Things here are challenging. No crisis...just a rough couple months. Lots of things are playing into it for my girl and I can't do anything to change them. Only she can and does she have the energy, the determination, to do so? I don't know...but I act as if she does. We view the things we offer her as harm reduction. We are keeping her alive, hopefully staunching further damage and providing medical and mental health care to someone who would have none. It. Is. Not. Easy...and its very expensive. Which is a head nod to how broken our mental health care system is.

But life continues on and I refuse to miss out on the good parts. Such as baby Landon who I want to gobble up! Someone told me that that feeling we get of wanting to bite their cheeks, or nibble their toes, or eat them....is a real thing. It goes back to our primal beginnings. I dont know....I just know that I soak that baby boy in anytime I get to see him. He has lots of chub already that makes him especially delectable!

Landon's wonderful parents, have set their wedding date... June 23, 2018. So wedding plans are being made. We have our venue, the photographer, the dress, we will probably do flowers and decorations ourselves, we have an idea for the food....a caterer that did a mutual friends wedding. Pizza, salad and beer and wine. A dessert station, a coffee, ice tea station, lemonade station. I love that they are are so laid back, that the day is being viewed from the perspective of what they want, what will be fun and comfortable for them and their people,  and not what will really make a statement and impress all of their friends. Two such authentic beings, these two.

For anyone who has Alanon's daily reader Courage to Change, July 30 really got me. It was about happiness being an inside job. About how we often determine and commit to choose happiness but then we become discouraged at the first sign of trouble and abandon our resolve to live in a place of contentment....because of what is going on around us.

The last sentence for the July 30th reading was this...."When I make a choice and then stick with it, I teach myself that my choices do have meaning and I am worthy of trust." 

I have spent a lifetime convincing others that I am trustworthy...but not myself. You know that familiar story. We are always our own last priority. I am worthy of trust. I am worthy of following through on my commitments to choose happiness and find joy in whatever I can.....and fortunately I am easily pleased! Lol I remember in my early years in Alanon hearing someone say, "My happiness can't be dependent on how others around me are doing." I thought that was horrible! How can I dare be happy if people I love are miserable?! I have since found a way. Desperate circumstances require desperate measures. Lol I am learning to trust myself to take care of myself. I am finding the balance of being present, respectful and kind to my chronically ill child, but being present and joyful with my other children who are living their lives and deserve to have a mother who shares in their joy. I am taking the time to binge watch Netflix (I rarely watch TV...only if the dad will rub my feet) and read real books and go on walks during the week. I hurt my back a couple weeks ago...years of lifting people is catcing up to me....but I had to accept instruction and help from the dad. I had to rest my back. I dont like to "need." But I think he loved being able to give....maybe I need to stop that and let it become part of trusting myself to care for myself.

Lets all commit to trusting ourselves to take really good care of ourselves just for today. If it works today, we can try it again tomorrow. ❤️

God bless us all....our children are still in my daily prayers.
Annette