Monday, April 17, 2017

The Critic

I will get to the critic part in a minute.....first, we had a lovely Easter. Happy holidays are not taken for granted as a norm around here. They are a big deal and my gratitude is always so very very deep. I had my three girls here and two had their partners with them. The big girls shard funny stories from when they were little, stories of jumping on the trampoline with the sprinkler and dish soap and sliding around, stories of luring me outside so they could bomb me with snowballs, the time Molly wanted to show me her drop kick and it hit 5 month old "little one" straight in the face and she thought she had killed her and was inconsolable and had to skip soccer practice that day, stories of each of the times they broke their arms....but just to be clear, NEVER during one of the soapy trampoline play dates. Molly kept putting my hand on her stomach so I could feel Landon kick... I spent a large part of the meal with my hand resting on her stomach, only to not even one time get to feel him.

It was a "normal" holiday. No drama, no tears, no anger, no unmet expectations, it was just a day that we all came together to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus and we all could love each other and accept each other as we came. Kind of like the one would do who we were celebrating. Imagine that!

"Things" in general are pretty stable right now. Pretty darn good. My girl is 4 months heroin free. Nothing about it has been traditional or what would be categorized as "recovery" but she is as of this day, recovering. She got a new methadone counselor who in three weeks has accomplished more than in the entire 2 years of being in the program. Bless his heart, he gives her hope, he empowers her. She is considering filing an "official complaint" in regards to the old counselor...which tells me that she is feeling like she has a voice, that her care matters, and that she is feeling stronger.

So about the critic...its me. I have had 4 situations in recent months that have raised up this "feeling," this discomfort, these judgements, Im judging people/groups for being judgemental. Such an oxymoron. It brings up this anger inside of me that concerns me. Not rage, but who am I?! Judging because people are judging... the dad said, "maybe your spirit doesn't bear witness with what you see happening." When I pray I feel like God speaks to my heart and says, "Ive got this. You dont have to tend to this or try to figure it out. Im working these issues out with my kids. Stay out of it!" (Said in all love and gentleness because He knows I get my feelings hurt easily.)

Anything that smacks of levels of people, being in or out, being considered ok or not, deserving of forgiveness or not, holy or carnal, good enough or not good enough... is like a rough edged jagged stick stuck in my chest. I hate it. People being called a "loser." And I think its because I know what it feels like to not be "Christian enough" or good enough, or in enough, or accepted enough....until God grabbed me and made me His own just because He loved me and wanted me with Him. It has nothing to do with anything I did. Or do. It had to do with mercy.

I don't know what to do with what I am feeling. I dont like the disturbance in my spirit, but don't know what to do about it. Pray of course, accept that every single person on this earth has their own process to walk out and that truly its none of my buisness. Keep my own side of the street clean....keep my own heart judgement free, accept the judgers where they are, model Christ's love to them, be pure in my own spirit and deed....and really this whole situation proves that that is enough to keep my hands very full!

Praying for us all every single day.

And when He saw the multitudes, He went up on the mountain; and after he sat down, his disciples came to Him. And opening his mouth he began to teach them, saying,
      3“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
      4“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
      5“Blessed are the gentle, for they shall inherit the earth.
      6“Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.
      7“Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy.
      8“Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.
      9“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.
      10“Blessed are those who have been persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
      11“Blessed are you when people insult you and persecute you, and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of Me. 12“Rejoice and be glad, for your reward in heaven is great; for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you. 13“You are the salt of the earth; but if the salt has become tasteless, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled under foot by men.
      14“You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden; 15 nor does anyone light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on the lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. 16“Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven. Matt: 5:1-16


Birdie said...

Oh, Annette. You are so very hard on yourself. We all judge. Judging keeps us safe. It's a judgement to not walk down a dark alley by yourself in a bad neighbourhood at night. It's a judgement to grab and apple instead of a chocolate bar. We do it to keep,ourselves and hopefully, our loved ones safe. And yes, we do judge harshly. I know I do it. It is actually something that is part of our genetic makeup. But we are humans and not animals so we are aware of it being wrong. Many people judge and have hate go right along with it. And they have no remorse. And they feed the hate. You aren't doing any of that.
I hope I'm making sense. Just keep being you. I have no doubt you are one of God's most beautiful souls.

Mark Goodson said...

What a post, Annette. This my personal favorite that I've ever read. I mean it. Maybe it's because I really relate to having a restless spirit these days. But the "good is good enough" message is exactly what I need to hear, although it's not what I want to hear. And you pack a punch delivering that message. Man, I appreciated this read this morning. Thank you.

Linda deV said...

Oh my Goodness!!

Feeling convicted, once again, about my disdain for the plastic injected, designer clothing clad, whose rock is bigger, National Charity League women who do WINE AND CHEESE PARTIES and VEGAS NIGHTS and then say put my picture in the paper for doing good.

Does my judgement show?????

Thanks Annette...feeling convicted, once again, to do better.

Annette said...

Sweet Birdie Im just figuring it out. Im not beating myself up, but thank you for always being so loving to me. I wish we were next door neighbors.
Mark, that comment meant so much, especially coming from you, my writer extraordinaire friend.
Linda! Exactly!! Or people who have been given so much grace but are so hard on others, or the affluent sharing their wealth as a token of their generosity so they can feel like they did their part...but really holding the ones they are giving to in disdain. How do we get past this? I struggle with having compassion on those idiots. LOL

Mrs D said...

I didn't realise your daughter had 4 months clean! That's great.. hugs to you and yours xxx

Anonymous said...

Dear Annette, I'm so glad that Easter was lovely for you. Your daughter's accomplishing 4 months clean is wonderful as well.

All the best to you,


Anonymous said...

Hi Annette,
I have been reading your posts for a long time and they help me so much in my own life. What an accomplishment for your wonderful daughter to be without heroin for four months. I hope she is very proud!
Please try not to worry about judging.
I think of it as a strength to be able to feel and have angry thoughts. Feelings of judgement show an ability to feel ALL our feelings, and that is a strength, as long as we think about why we have these thoughts. I admire you a lot. Take care, Mary

Anonymous said...

So glad to hear about the four months of clean time. That is phenomenal. My daughter's program is nothing like what I would call a program at all, but she has been clean and sober for over eight years, so I just have to mind my own beeswax.