A few things happened.....I have had two entire days off, I got to meet a friend for lunch, and another for coffee, I have gotten to cook and bake, I filled my bird feeders, little one and I walked the dogs and let them play in the lake. I went to a wonderful meeting where I heard what I needed to hear when I needed to hear it...the topic was concept 8.
"The Board of Trustees Delegates Full Authority for Routine Management of Al-Anon Headquarters to its Executive Committees. "
Who goes to meetings on the concepts?! Lol It just happened to be what we were talking about though and while that particular concept isn't what resonated with me.....it was all of my faithful co-travelers comments that poured over me like cool water on a blistering hot summer day. It led to a lot of discussion about control issues, and *delegating* responsibility, our own self-importance that we can't allow anyone to do anything without our involvement or oversight. I slip back into that space sometimes, especially when I am feeling a little fearful. A lot fearful. The strange thing is that the more I manage and control, the more afraid I become. The more I let go and trust the process (and my kind and gentle HP) the more calm and at peace I feel.
My trigger this time was helping my girl to make the appointment to file for SSI. We have put this off for years, hoping, believing, that she will get better. We haven't wanted to admit or accept that it might *need* to go this way. We have in no way wanted to convey to her that this is it, there is no hope for more or better living, that she is irreparably broken. As we filled out the volumes of paperwork, that she needed extensive help with filling out and getting back in the mail within the required time frame, it was like a slap across the face. What we have allowed to be our norm, accepted, was made glaringly apparent by this process, how limited she really is. We hang onto the idea that it's a stepping stone, a bridge, to something more.
You know in this journey of addicted kids and mentally ill kids, there is a grieving process. I have gone through it at different stages as things evolved and changed through the years and I have had to let go of how I thought things would be....this was just another level of that. A much deeper, guttural, level. This is NEVER in my wildest nightmares what I envisioned as part of my mothering journey.
I think the above, the aftermath lull of the wonderful wedding weekend, the political sh*t that is being flung all over our every waking moment, that our country has been reduced to these two choices as our fearless leaders, the God-awful videos of overdosing addicts and the observers laughing and saying such cruel things and *videotaping* rather than offering help....I feel like I am living in a world that has gone crazy and its weighing on me. All of it. It's oppressive, scary, and it all, every dot and tittle is.....OUT OF MY CONTROL. All I can do for today is fill my house with the wonderful smell of roasted vegetables and potroast cooking, listen as my little one practices her Japanese....she asked me to help her to make up flash cards. What a simple joy. One of my kids needs me, is requesting my involvement for something as simple as making up flash cards! THAT I can do. After Canada's ruling to not allow bully breeds and to euthanize all pit bulls we are studying breed discrimination and she is writing an opinion piece later today after we watch the movie Beyond The Myth. I can savor THESE moments, I can trust that God has a plan...even when I don't understand it or see it. It's there and I can trust and believe in its wisdom and perfection and not concern myself with having to figure everything out.
Thank you for all of the very kind comments. You all are my people! I know that some of you are right here with me, you get this like many other's can't. Just know that I appreciate your words so so very much.
My big boy "Jake" who would be illegal in Canada. The sweetest goofiest protector of all.