Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Seeing more clearly today....maybe

I am feeling better today. ( Mood swings anyone?)

A few things happened.....I have had two entire days off, I got to meet a friend for lunch, and another for coffee, I have gotten to cook and bake, I filled my bird feeders, little one and I walked the dogs and let them play in the lake. I went to a wonderful meeting where I heard what I needed to hear when I needed to hear it...the topic was concept 8. 

"The Board of Trustees Delegates Full Authority for Routine Management of Al-Anon Headquarters to its Executive Committees. " 

Who goes to meetings on the concepts?! Lol It just happened to be what we were talking about though and while that particular concept isn't what resonated with me.....it was all of my faithful co-travelers comments that poured over me like cool water on a blistering hot summer day. It led to a lot of discussion about control issues, and *delegating* responsibility, our own self-importance that we can't allow anyone to do anything without our involvement or oversight. I slip back into that space sometimes, especially when I am feeling a little fearful. A lot fearful. The strange thing is that the more I manage and control, the more afraid I become. The more I let go and trust the process (and my kind and gentle HP) the more calm and at peace I feel.

My trigger this time was helping my girl to make the appointment to file for SSI. We have put this off for years, hoping, believing, that she will get better. We haven't wanted to admit or accept that it might *need* to go this way. We have in no way wanted to convey to her that this is it, there is no hope for more or better living, that she is irreparably broken. As we filled out the volumes of paperwork, that she needed extensive help with filling out and getting back in the mail within the required time frame, it was like a slap across the face. What we have allowed to be our norm, accepted, was made glaringly apparent by this process, how limited she really is. We hang onto the idea that it's a stepping stone, a bridge, to something more. 

You know in this journey of addicted kids and mentally ill kids, there is a grieving process. I have gone through it at different stages as things evolved and changed through the years and I have had to let go of how I thought things would be....this was just another level of that. A much deeper, guttural, level. This is NEVER in my wildest nightmares what I envisioned as part of my mothering journey. 

I think the above, the aftermath lull of the wonderful wedding weekend, the political sh*t that is being flung all over our every waking moment, that our country has been reduced to these two choices as our fearless leaders, the God-awful videos of overdosing addicts and the observers laughing and saying such cruel things and *videotaping* rather than offering help....I feel like I am living in a world that has gone crazy and its weighing on me. All of it. It's oppressive, scary, and it all, every dot and tittle is.....OUT OF MY CONTROL. All I can do for today is fill my house with the wonderful smell of roasted vegetables and potroast cooking, listen as my little one practices her Japanese....she asked me to help her to make up flash cards. What a simple joy. One of my kids needs me, is requesting my involvement for something as simple as making up flash cards! THAT I can do. After Canada's ruling to not allow bully breeds and to euthanize all pit bulls we are studying breed discrimination and she is writing an opinion piece later today after we watch the movie Beyond The Myth. I can savor THESE moments, I can trust that God has a plan...even when I don't understand it or see it. It's there and I can trust and believe in its wisdom and perfection and not concern myself with having to figure everything out. 

Thank you for all of the very kind comments. You all are my people! I know that some of you are right here with me, you get this like many other's can't. Just know that I appreciate your words so so very much. 
Always praying....

My big boy "Jake" who would be illegal in Canada. The sweetest goofiest protector of all.


Birdie said...

The world does seem to be on tilt. Watching the news is just sad and overwhelming. I actually don't even watch the news but it still seems to find me. I am so glad you got to go to a meeting and are feeling better today.

Groundhog Girl said...

So many of your posts I feel unqualified to comment on because I don't understand and can only imagine how hard it is as someone who has not dealt with all you have to deal with. Often I think what you deal with and how you keep going are out of my reach and that I would crumble and fail my daughter by how I would react so I read your posts with admiration and awe. Whatever happens in this life you should keep in your mind that you have done your best, tried your hardest and loved fiercely. I hope you find that positive viewpoint again, I know you will continue to do the next right thing each time something comes up and I wish I had the words to covey how amazing I think you are for doing all you do for your girl, your family and for all the readers here. And if it is not too facile to say the Serenity Prayer seems most poignant and suitable at times like this but I am sure it has been uttered a million times by you already. Sending you a thought for peace and serenity.

Anonymous said...

I Get It! You are writing my Life. I have been exactly where you are and have had the same experiences and feelings. You recommended the book Hinds Feet For High Places and it spoke to me like nothing else could have. I am little Much Afraid on a journey to the High Places and so are you. I lost my beautiful daughter to suicide a year and a half ago as well as walking with a son through drug addiction. I never in a million years thought I would be living through this nightmare! My words to you are that God Is In Control and the only thing you can do is to let go and let God. Please keep writing. I as well as many others find hope and comfort in your words. There is comfort in knowing that you are not alone. Praise God from whom all blessings flow and there are blessings everywhere. We just have to look for them and them be grateful.

Anonymous said...


I'm glad your feeling better. Another beautiful post ... I know that nothing ever could have prepared me for dealing with the mental health/addiction issues with both of my children. Thinking of you and praying for you and your family every day.

Jake is so beautiful ... he makes me feel peaceful just seeing his picture.


Annette said...

Mary, I am so glad to see your name popping up again. I think of you and your son often. I still have his name in my God box.
To Anonymous...I remember posting about Hinds Feet on High Places and that was a long time ago. Bless your broken heart for sharing this with me. Maybe I need to re-read that book. It is one of my all time favorites! I am so sorry about your daughter. There are no words for that type of loss. Such a tragic thing for any momma to experience.
And Groundhog Girl....thank you for Your kind words. You are doing so well. What a hero you are! We all are forging our paths and you certainly are showing your strength of character and courage in your journey. Bless you.
Birdie, my sweet Birdie friend.....thank you for understanding my discontent.

Grace-WorkinProgress said...

I is good that you can find peace in the simple moments. I don't watch the news (if you can call it that) anymore. If something important happens someone will let me know. Letting go of how I imagined my life would be was hard. Grieving the death of a dream. I found that when I gave up God took over and things did work out. You will get through this.

Mark Goodson said...

Hi Annette- (12 concept meetings--ha!)
This roller-coaster your on must be trying. I've been on a few rides myself. It's hard to remember the peaks when your in the valley, and when you're in a peak, you hope you'll never hit a valley again.
You're going through it, like really going through it. But that's your strength! You are going THROUGH it, not around it, or away from it. I really believe the only way out of anywhere, is THROUGH.
God bless and take care!

Anonymous said...

Just checking in. Hoping you are doing ok..

Groundhog Girl said...

Hi Annette, just thought I would check in and say hi and I hope you are doing ok. You are in my thoughts and I am sending you a big virtual hug today. Take care of yourself and be as kind to you as you are to everyone else. Ginger.