Thursday, April 9, 2015

So this is what happened....

My ugly cry post was about a falling out between Molly and I. Im not going into all of the details because family fights just shouldn't be blasted all over the internet, but I am going to share what this particular family fight taught me about myself.

First of all, this fight came out of nowhere. She and I have always been very close and we have never had disagreements that lasted more than a few hours. So this freaked me out and I acted accordingly. In my opinion she was jumping into something without thinking it through, without cautiously looking at all of the angles and waiting to let things unfold and open up before her....instead she was blasting ahead with no care or concern for anything but what was in front of her.

My response was old behavior:
  • talk and tell my every thought about the choices she was making (I called it honest communication)
  • sarcasm
  • fear
  • keep talking even when no one wants to hear it
  • crying buckets
  • deep sadness and feeling like the world was ending
I said my part, we met and tried to work things out a few times which ended with more hard feelings. We went round and round in this circle. We weren't hearing each other. Our usual connection was broken.

I read my daily readers and kept getting the message to let go. The dad gently (for the most part) kept reiterating that I needed to step back and let was all very concerning, but my demands for change and acknowledgement were only pushing her further away. My sponsor said it was time to let go and let God be in charge. My best friend said, "Ok its time be silent now." WTF?! Isn't anyone on my side?!

What I realized from this whole situation was that I have "letting go" down to a science with "my girl" but not with other areas of my life. I can trust God, I can see her nestled in the palms of His hands, but only her. I still held claim to most other areas of my life.

What came out was that I was quite angry that I was constantly being asked to "let go" of people that I love, of anything that mattered to me, really.

Of everything.

I was so mad! Why are we given things that are so precious to us and then we are expected to hold them with open hands?! What the hell is up with that? The ultimate God joke.

As I have focused on my own self and stopped focusing on Molly and all of her stupid decisions (wink) I realized that living a life of surrender is just that. Its a life filled with surrender of EVERYTHING. We don't get to pick and choose the things we will relinquish control over. If we are going to trust God to be in charge, we hand Him our life and say, "Here you go, do what you will with it."

I will say that He gracefully takes us through a process and this Molly ordeal was just another layer being peeled back in me to show what was really there and what else I needed to trust Him with.

The irony is that as I began to shut up and let go, Molly began to come back around. She began to seek me out. Things aren't the same and may never be, but I am ok with that. I think what we will be left with will be a healthier relationship, close, but open and autonomous for the both of us. I think that all of this holy hell we just went through will produce good things for us.... if I can stay out of the way and let things unfold and open up before me. Just like I want her to be able to do in her life. (She did learn her "forcing solutions" skills from the best.)

At one point in our "trying to work it out" conversation she said, "Wellll we are so damned much alike... we are both stuck being right!"

Yep.....until one cried "uncle" and stepped down and surrendered, because really letting go is the only way to really get what we want, in its purest and most authentic form. Which is peace and assurance that a power greater than us has it all under His watchful eye.

Always praying for us all......


Dede said...

Ok. I don't know if this will help you or not....but it's helped here goes. I've been reeding about meditation and Buddhism. It teaches that NOTHING is permanent. If you can grasp this it forces you to let go. It is trying to hang onto happiness and push away pain that makes us crazy....

Birdie said...

This reminds me of what I am going through with my son. I had to ask him to leave and it is breaking my heart. He is so mad! He wouldn't even come upstairs to give me a hug when he was by to pick up some of his stuff. He has always been a hugger. I have sent him a couple of e mails and messages on Skype. What I want to do is talk to him everyday and see how he is doing. I miss him. Instead I am going to sit back and wait. I don't know how this will turn out. He is likely going to be angry with me for a very long time. It also feels like things will never be the same.

SoberMomWrites said...

Remember that old saying from the 70's...if you love something set it free. if it comes back to you its yours. If it doesn't it never was.

That's what I'm always reminded of when I try to hold to tight to something that is trying its best to break free. I've had to practice it a lot with my middle son. He's been trying to break free since he was born and although I see him making mistakes, by telling him he only moves further away. But if I let him make those mistakes he comes home seeking guidance.

My only questions is WHY IS IT SO HARD?

I'm glad you two came through this and I'm even more glad that you are able to see it with the love and grace you always seem to have.

Hugs my friend,

Syd said...

It is a difficult thing to remember in every relationship that I don't have to be in control. I can unclasp my fist and open it to release my will and let that of my HP take over. So many years of "knowing what to do" are counter productive in recovery. If I pause when agitated and just breathe, then usually I can get through to letting go.

Hattie Heaton said...

You are preaching to the choir!! I spent a good few months of this year arm wrestling God for control of my son. Then I went to a spiritual retreat where I learned that if I am putting God first, then NO thing will get in between him and me. Not my kids or my husband. Not my brothers or sisters or house or car nothing. It's called an inordinate attachment. I've let go and the minute that I did, I became peaceful. Hang in there.

Tori said...

I think I smother Tyler - I know its because I feel so lost with Blake being the way he is. Blake and I always had a very special and unique bond - Tyler has always been more independent and likes his alone time. It is so hard to get this Parenting thing right.