Friday, August 22, 2014

So much to say I can't find the words!

Does that mean I am speechless? No....of course not!  There are just some things that I can't put into words right now, so I am not going to even try.

Last night the dad and I claimed a night for ourselves and went to see a guitarist in a small cafe. You would not believe the obstacles we faced just to have a few short hours on a Thursday night. But we pushed on and we went and we had fun. Even if it almost killed us! The young man is my clients nephew and I have to say that it was so nice to see this young person, up on stage sharing his own personal compositions with us and telling us about his life in college where he majors in music. He shared his plans for after graduation, to get his masters and become a professor of music. It was just so awesome. He has a passion, and a plan, and he is motivated to make it all happen. No one is leading him along....he is doing it! He said he goes to sleep listening to classical music. He gave up his football career/full ride scholarship to follow his dream. I just loved it all so much.

I have backed out of my girls life. Not a shunning or a rejection, but a stepping aside and letting it all play out the way it will. The dad is not able to do that yet so when she leaves for days at a time he is texting her and calling her and wanting to know the plan. I know what it feels like to be so afraid and to be grasping at any little thread of control you think you might see. I suggested that we stop calling, texting, and waiting for her and just let go and let it all play out. Then we can make a decision based on the true outcome of her choices, not on her behavior that has been pushed and manipulated and molded by our constant attempts at controlling her. The dad is really struggling and is not interested in my "help." Imagine! So I am treading lightly and doing my own thing. 

I have been meeting with my new sponsor and I just love her. She is comforting and understands and brings so much clarity as we talk things through.

My son invited me to go on a hike with his new-ish girlfriend last weekend. I have only spent little bits of time with her so far.....but I just adore her. All I can say is that she emanates peace and calm and I think that is what attracts my big boy to her. Things have been strained between he and I so it was really so special that he sought me out and initiated the day together. I wouldn't have missed it for anything! We went on a 9 mile hike to this house.

 

 It was such a beautiful day.... We walked 4.5 miles along the left side of this bay, that led us to the house and the beach where we had lunch. Then back out again. Only some rolling hills. No mountain climbing. It was so great.....I wish I could go out and do that every single day. Think of how thin I would be! lol Its a great escape though!

Keep praying for us.....we need it desperately, and I am praying for all of you.
Annette


9 comments:

Summer said...

Oh Annette, I'm so happy you and your hubby were able to take a night for yourselves. Finding that kind of time in the midst of our kids active addiction can be so challenging but it's so important to our survival, I think. Good for you both!

Your hike with your son and his gf sounds positively wonderful and that view is spectacular...as is that house. Wow!

I am so sorry that your daughter is back in this place and it makes me sad that your hubby isn't ready to take that step back...it's such a hard and exhausting thing to be where he is now but watching it all play out and not stepping in is so hard, too. :(

I'm praying for your precious daughter, that she will reach her place of surrender very soon and I'm praying for peace and comfort for you and your hubby.

ditchingthedog said...

You are doing the best thing for her and for yourself. Why does it feel so the opposite? That love we have for our children is a tricky thing isn't it?

Birdie

Anonymous said...

Annette, You are such an inspiration to me as you walk this journey - always loving but letting go when needed. No one can do this but your girl and I have no doubt she knows you will be there when she is ready. My sponsor told me we actually show respect by giving space . . . and taking care of ourselves while we wait. Many prayers going your way.

Tori said...

I want to move to where you are. How special to take that walk with them. I wish I could go with you on a long walk.

I think of you all the time.

SoberMomWrites said...

Ah date night! I still haven't mastered the art of doing that without alcohol but I'm still trying. It would be nice to find a little venue where we could listen to a guitar player since the hubs plays also and would really enjoy it. I'll have to look around for something like that.

Reading about how you're handling your girl and how your hubs is handling this makes me want to scream - "Listen to your wife! Don't you know...." But that's the control part of the equation isn't it? I know this is hard but you seem to be in a better place this time. Maybe it's the new sponsor or maybe it's just YOU! Whatever it is, know that you and yours are always in my prayers.

As for your son, I don't know if he reads your blog but your "about me" should probably be updated since his beauty may not be in the picture any more? Don't know what made me re-read it the other day but that jumped out at me.

Hang tough mama. You're such a light in my day.

Sherry

Hattie Heaton said...

Annette, Good for you! We are similar creatures. I stepped back in April and let hubby do it his way. Later in the summer the girls and I sat down with him and talked about what was REAL. We shared our feelings all together as a family. We even prayed together....that was a first. Then we asked him(the son) to leave. It was hard but when I get nervous, I realize it is because of my expectation of an outcome. Speaker meetings at AA help. I go and see all these young men especially that talk about how they would come close but still weren't ready.....you know the drill. But the common thread is this: they all...everyone of them say "until I got miserable enough" as the catalyst for change.

I told son that he had made his choice as to how he wanted to live and that was ok and up to him. But, I could also choose. I did not wish to live near or around the chaos of addiction and I hoped that he would respect that as well. Which he didn't....but what did I expect. However, it is a lot more peaceful and I am really trying to learn God's will for me now that I am not constantly riding the crazy train. Good book recommendation--Homecoming John Bradshaw. Hubby and I are in the process of reading.

Journey in Grace said...

Nine miles??? Oh, comment time... Actually that is so great you all went hiking, keep it up. This new realization and/or stepping out, aside with your daughter is exactly the new awareness I am getting with my 21 year old Type 1 Diabetic daughter. I have had such a hard time letting go of her health needs and actually she does a pretty good job. I've been managing her health (and everything else) since she was 5 years old at diagnosis. To actually start letting go and when that thought pops up, "How's your blood sugar? When do you see the Endocrinologist next? What is your A1c?" I have stopped. I'm feeling less fear and more of a freedom. She wants to grow up on her own and I really need to allow her to do that. It is true she will find out the very hard way with a trip to the ICU in the hospital if she does not manage her blood sugar. Now, this is a different situation form yours Annette. I do realize that but the emotions are pretty much the same. It is a fearful thing to just allow them to go their way. I know you are doing the right thing and I pray for the Husband to see the same light because the stress is a killer and can exacerbate the situation as you wrote. Keep on keeping on, you are doing great. I just love you and your family and your writing! God Bless ~

Signe said...

I do see life as one big surfing experience. Though I have never done the real surfing, the metaphorical stuff, I'm getting pretty good at. Annette, you ride the waves beautifully, with grace and peace. You inspire.

Syd said...

That is some beautiful scenery. Nice that you and your husband spent some time together--we have regular date nights and those are special. It's important to have that connection to our SO's. And nine miles--that is huge.