Sunday, May 11, 2014
With that said these holidays are always sort of a let down. This year, I saw how the dad was almost (ok he was) in fear to do the wrong thing and not meet my expectation. He brought me a plant and a card, he barbecued dinner, he wanted to know what I wanted for dessert when he was at the store and I told him "anything." He said he was totally blank, he had no clue what to get. I said go to the bakery and pick something! Anything. He did eventually.....but what occurred to me was that he was standing there frozen not wanting to pick the wrong thing that could cause the wrath or the roll of the eyes or the heavy sigh of the mother! Me.
I am seeing that I get stuck doing most everything because I put out into the atmosphere that no one can do it as good as I can. So they all stand back, not because they don't want to help....but because they are afraid to help and make a mistake.
Little one vacuumed the big family room for me today and didn't lift the throw rug by the door that the dogs use and do underneath, so I made her go back and do it again. But I sighed and I said....hold onto your hats, "This is why its just easier to do it all myself." Martyr-bitch.
Think of how that made her feel.
Where is the balance? I do like things done the way I like them done. Right. (I wish I had a gasping emoticon for right here) But I have to look at what the cost is? So I destroy everyone's feelings of self worth to have a clean house, a "happy" holiday? This is certainly not the first time I've been around this mountain. How did I end up back here?
So I decided (several times each day for the past couple days) to knock it off and to not guilt anyone. I wrote my girl a letter and told her that she was my first daughter. The girl who taught me how to be a mom to a girl, that she has been my greatest teacher and that I love her and I thanked her for turning me into a mom. My son came to visit and have dinner with us and didn't bring anything. I let that go. I didn't say anything about the lack of a card or flowers or anything and I hugged him and told him how happy I was to see him....because I really was. Molly decided not to come because she couldn't afford the gas to make the drive up here. I know that she recently spent a small bundle on a new tattoo and some make up and going out with a friend.....but I let that go. Maybe its not my place to say, "well if you managed your money better you could have been here with me." Maybe just not being able to come was lesson enough. She apologized and said she was sorry.....and I told her it was ok. I was proud of her for taking care of herself and doing what she could manage.
I can really be awful you guys! Guilt is my weapon and I am trying to lay that down. I read something recently, a little article about mom's and how their disapproval can be so cutting, down to the very core of who we are. I have experienced that! My mom being disappointed or mad at me felt awful. It almost put me into a panic... and that feeling of *desperately* wanting to fix whatever is wrong is terrible. I don't want to lay that on my kids. I want to have healthy boundaries and limits, but not that are birthed in "mom guilt and manipulation." Whether I want it or not, I have an impact on them. I want them to never wonder or worry about my approval. My happiness is not their responsibility.
The thing that gives me a little hope is that they just put it out there. I can't come. I never got a card. They didn't seem too worried about it! LOL
Maybe this is just my stuff, about me. Imagine that!