Thursday, March 27, 2014

Reoccurring patterns

We have been doing this journey for right around 12 years. The thing that has amazed me this time is how the dad and I know exactly what to do, what our roles are, and how to act, now that my girl is home.

Whether she is using drugs or not is not the deciding factor. Well wait....that is a big factor, but I don't think that is a factor in our current situation for today. I don't think, actually I know, that she doesn't have to be in active addiction for her dad and I to be freaking out and acting like hand wringing worriers. The potential for trouble is enough to set us in motion.

That she has ever used drugs, that all of us have ever been afraid for her life, felt the crushing need to save her life, wondered what she is up to, where is she at, what is she doing, is she high, maybe she's just happy, how big are her pupils......on and on and on it can go, my obsessive thinking churning away.... that any of those things have ever taken place at all, can take us right back there.

I guess its progress that I used to justify all of those wonderings. I used to feel like it was a normal response.....and it is, until you learn a new way to live *your* life. Today I just see it as falling back into.old.unhealthy.patterns.

I don't want to live there.  I see it in each of us. We each react differently. The dad wants to keep the peace. I want to make sure we aren't being played...and I spend a lot of time cramming chocolate easter eggs into my mouth, as fast I can unwrap them. Which is always a humbling reminder that she and I are not really very different from each other. Yes, of course sticking a needle in your arm is way way different than eating too much chocolate....but the root is the same. We are both uncomfortable, we are both not knowing what to do next, so we numb ourselves. We will deal with "that" later....pass the candy.

Since I KNOW that I don't want to live in that obsessive thinking place, I am making daily choices to go on with my life. *Choices.* It doesn't come naturally even after all of this time and all of the work I have done on learning new ways to live my life.

I have to get out of my head and live in what I see, what is real each day in my world. I am getting ready for my half marathon so I walked 11.42 miles today with a program friend. Good freaking God I am tired! 10 miles last week didn't take it outta me like today did! I shopped for a special gift for my best friend who just had a birthday and we are meeting for lunch tomorrow at a restaurant we have both been wanting to try.  I am slowly putting my work schedule back together again... as it stands today beginning the week after next, I will have 3 half days, 2 fulls days, and 1 overnight.... 3 different families. I have turned down anything that I didn't really want to do. I am all about self indulgence right now and I'm only sort of kidding. lol I am cooking and baking and having a fire in the afternoons, going to bed early, going to as many meetings as I want to and not going if I would rather be at home with my family and my fire and the rain coming down outside...without guilt. :o)

So I guess its safe to say that we are all battling our way back to where we belong.

Much much love to you all as you do the same.


Mary Christine said...

You will wear yourself out if you keep doing high milage like that, you did 10 over the weekend, right? And I'm afraid you risk injury. Do you have a training plan? When I train for a half I only do a couple of 10 milers, and never in the same week.

Mother Hen.

Hattie Heaton said...

Wonderful, much needed post, Annette. I am living a parallel life with you, my friend. Praying for us all.

Liz said...

I'm praying for you and your family Annette.
My girl left for jail two days ago and will be serving at least a year, possibly more.
I miss her so much - like I would miss my arm if it wasn't attached. I am also eating the sweets, but my choice is mega stuffed oreo's..
Love and prayers for your girl are being sent.

Mrs. Dubose said...

HUGS and blessings to you all.

Sandi said...

wow you keep writing about my life just like Hatie's. Stumbled apon signs of using again with my son and once again was told why he is sick of this life and really WANTS thias time to change.My head is down and I'm making plans(not walking that far tho) and just hoping praying and working my program...prayers for all of us...

Anonymous said...

Hi Annette,

I love that you are baking and having a fire in the afternoon. Your writing continues to mean a lot to me. My daughter is now on methadone. I think she is not using heroine but the crack continues. So, as you can imagine things are not good with her.

I admire your strength and how you can still work and contribute to society.


SoberMomWrites said...

I don't know what's wrong with my reader but I'm missing too many of your posts!!!!

Just seeing this and I feel like I've left you out there hanging! (Like I'm your only friend in the whole wide world. ;-) )

I love that you're being self-indulgent (kind of) right now and if it takes a few chocolate easter eggs to get it done then so be it. I'm reading this book right now that I think will help both of us with that whole thing. When I'm done I'll let you know whether or not to invest.

But in the meantime...Cadbury chocolate bird eggs are excellent and you don't have to unwrap them.

Just sayin'