I am in a bummer.....and yes I've already started back on my anti-depressants. I lasted 3 months without.
The new year feels daunting. When I look at this past year, I worked an inordinate amount of time supplementing our income and trying to keep us afloat and fund my girl's treatment. As I shared earlier, all of that work is falling away now and I think I am in a bit of a panic. Work serves two purposes for me.....income of course, but also it allows me to focus on someone else other than myself. Its a perfect avoidance platform. I can be a good-deed-doer and not look at my own life that needs an adjustment.
In working so much I stopped working out, altogether, and I have gained a good amount (not all) of weight back and lost so much physical strength.....I need to begin again, to start over. Lifting weights, cardio work, portion control. The one positive I can think of is that I know what to do to remedy this.
As to my girl.....she is doing well. She speaks and lives as a healthy person speaks and lives. Sometimes I feel like I am living a miracle with her right now. It is her life that she is gently and slowly putting together and its a beautiful process to watch. Today is good.
I am still doing Alanon meetings at the "psych ward" and have wanted to quit often. Just when I feel like "this is doing no good, they don't even remember us from week to week," we will have an amazing meeting with lots of group participation. We will be greeted by a patient from the week before with a hug and gratitude for coming. So I go back the next week. And then the week after that.
I have a couple physical goals for this year.....to speed (I use that term loosely) walk a half marathon in April, and to climb half dome. We will see. Right now I just want to climb back into my warm bed.
For today my girl and I are taking little one and her friend ice skating and out for warm cinnamon rolls afterward. We will see about tomorrow, tomorrow.
Much love to all......
And I am still praying for us all