Monday, October 14, 2013

Its not my fault.....

Last night I sat, snuggled on the couch watching a zombie movie with my girl and little one. Something with Brad Pitt who predictably survived many many life threatening events and came out always looking like the manly hero and savior of his family. What a set up for real men. lol Not my type of movie, but I have to say, I was on the edge of my seat and it was so fun just being there with my girls. It was about the time spent....not what we were watching, at least for me.

I have been doing my homework....writing out my ideas on my worth and self image. I realized that I have spent my whole life feeling guilty for being upset by drinking. "You shouldn't be this way. You shouldn't be so afraid. You are weird. No one else has this reaction and there are people around who have gone through far more than you. You are ridiculous." The therapist mentioned at our last visit...."You act like someone who has been traumatized."

The thought came to me, "if someone is traumatized by events, thats not their fault. Its not your fault that you are traumatized." That is a new idea, being the ultra responsible person that I am. Everything is my fault or at the very least, I can do something to make something better, not as lethal as it holds the potential to be.

It occurred to me that it just is what it is. Its not my fault. Im not going to go into the realm of blaming my parents either. Or my girl.  Its just something that is. We don't have to assign blame to find our way out. We just need to face our fears.

On a lighter note.....anyone have an affordable "little red riding hood costume" for a young adult that they are willing to part with?

Much love y'all....
I'm praying everyday for our kids and US. 
Annette


8 comments:

Anna said...

Of course you have been traumatized. You love someone and they put themselves in harms way. Sometimes they put you in harms way. All of that is big time trauma.

amy said...

Yes, this is exactly what I was feeling in my last group today. No need to point fingers or self flagellate. Just keep healing and feeling better about these things.

SoberMomWrites said...

I hope she only said that to provoke those feelings in you...otherwise...

Anyway, you WERE traumatized! Severely! You have every right to react the way you do to alcohol. AND it's not you fault you are so right about that...took me freaking forever to figure that one out. Once I did, I felt like I could fly.

I hope this revelation in your head moves quickly to your heart and you sprout wings. It feels so good.

Sherry

Dad and Mom said...

It is right. It is not your fault that you were traumatized. Now the only place to go is forward.

You are aware.....the ball is now in your court.

Mary Christine said...

Glad you are finding some peace :-)

Hattie Heaton said...

I had no idea how important awareness is. I had a girl in my class at the jail talk about how she and the step brother were treated differently. She still felt that she wasn't smart or pretty enough. Someone mentioned that if she took that situation and put one of her friends in it, would she think it was the friends fault that the brother got the love and attention or would she think that maybe it was the adult at fault. For her, that helped her to see it objectively and realize that the problem was with the adult. Good work!

Signe said...

I think that is one of the most freeing experiences...letting go of the guilt. It is like crawling out from under a pile of garbage, reaching the top and smelling clean air under a warm sun. I am so happy, Annette, that you are taking care of yourself. :)

Syd said...

I can definitely say that alcoholism traumatized me. But I have become less traumatized in recovery and seeing how my wife has changed since she stopped drinking and went to AA. We have struggled for so long in our marriage, but I know that I am with her to the end.