Yesterday my girl and I went to the dentist. The news was better than expected. Lots of work to do, but no pulling teeth out or root canals. She is doing so good, and I am filled with joy. I can't help it. The day out wore her out....she is still healing physically, mentally and emotionally. I think that healing will go on for a very very long time. She was happy to get back to "her house." She said, "it almost scares me how comfortable and safe I feel here. Will I ever be able to branch out into the world?"
Oh Sweet Girl, your sobriety is still so fresh, so new. Savor feeling safe and comfortable. Fall back into it and let those feelings surround you. Things will unfold in time. There is a girl working at the house as a counselor who was in treatment the last time my girl was there a year ago. My girl said, "that shows me that I will have some options. Different directions I can consider going in."
She has gained 20 lbs in 6 weeks, we have a plan for her dental care, we bought some new clothes and she looks so nice, fresh, and beautiful. I feel that offering the dental care is "acting as if." Its an offering of faith in her process. If she goes back out, there is nothing I can do about that, but this is a gift we are willing to give to her with no strings attached, no expectations...at least as much as we are capable. We do hope for her, of course, we do. We love her. She has one year left on our dental insurance....I am not willing to gamble it away with worrying that this may not be a good investment.
For today I am so happy for her.
For myself.....I am still having teary times daily. Talk about feeling fragile emotionally! Something has happened inside of me. I don't know what exactly, but while I am not depressed and I do feel true joy for my girl, I also feel such a depth of pain and fear too.....not surrounding her. Its me, my stuff.
I called and left a message with the new therapist today. Will wait to hear back. I asked my sponsor if she would be willing to work through the steps with me again using the ACA book and workbook. "I would love to!" was her reply.....oh thank God she didn't turn me down. I had a back up plan, but I really wanted to do it with her. So I have a plan, a direction to head off into. Things aren't horrible. It will all be ok. I will be fine. But I do need to find my way through to the other side.
Ok I am home tonight, its my night off. I am off to watch TV with the hubs and "let" him rub my feet.
Bless our lost kids, keep them safe until they find their way to wholeness Oh Lord.