Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Hopelessly hopeful

Yesterday my girl and I went to the dentist. The news was better than expected. Lots of work to do, but no pulling teeth out or root canals. She is doing so good, and I am filled with joy. I can't help it. The day out wore her out....she is still healing physically, mentally and emotionally. I think that healing will go on for a very very long time. She was happy to get back to "her house." She said, "it almost scares me how comfortable and safe I feel here. Will I ever be able to branch out into the world?"

Oh Sweet Girl, your sobriety is still so fresh, so new. Savor feeling safe and comfortable. Fall back into it and let those feelings surround you. Things will unfold in time. There is a girl working at the house as a counselor who was in treatment the last time my girl was there a year ago. My girl said, "that shows me that I will have some options. Different directions I can consider going in."

She has gained 20 lbs in 6 weeks, we have a plan for her dental care, we bought some new clothes and she looks so nice, fresh, and beautiful. I feel that offering the dental care is "acting as if." Its an offering of faith in her process. If she goes back out, there is nothing I can do about that, but this is a gift we are willing to give to her with no strings attached, no least as much as we are capable. We do hope for her, of course, we do. We love her. She has one year left on our dental insurance....I am not willing to gamble it away with worrying that this may not be a good investment.

For today I am so happy for her.

For myself.....I am still having teary times daily. Talk about feeling fragile emotionally! Something has happened inside of me. I don't know what exactly, but while I am not depressed and I do feel true joy for my girl, I also feel such a depth of pain and fear too.....not surrounding her. Its me, my stuff.

I called and left a message with the new therapist today. Will wait to hear back. I asked my sponsor if she would be willing to work through the steps with me again using the ACA book and workbook. "I would love to!" was her reply.....oh thank God she didn't turn me down. I had a back up plan, but I really wanted to do it with her. So I have a plan, a direction to head off into. Things aren't horrible. It will all be ok. I will be fine. But I do need to find my way through to the other side.

Ok I am home tonight, its my night off. I am off to watch TV with the hubs and "let" him rub my feet.

Bless our lost kids, keep them safe until they find their way to wholeness Oh Lord.


Mary Christine said...

Every single person who is sober is sober for only today. That's me, that's your daughter. It is natural you would be happy that your daughter is sober and doing well. Please don't look for the cloud in the silver lining.

SoberMomWrites said...

I love that you're giving her the gift of good teeth. It's so important no matter where she is and it sends a subtle message that you believe in her and that she's worth the investment. Sometimes our addictions speak to us in voices that hurt and drag us down. After awhile we begin to believe that since we can't "beat this thing" we're not worth any extra effort at all. For me, it came in the form of my weight gain and my refusal to "invest" in any new clothes. I wasn't worthy.

Well that's just a load of bullshit. No matter what's going on with us, we ARE worthy. Worthy of love, and kindness and good teeth and bigger clothes...and shoes...lots of nice shoes.

I'm so happy you're sending that message to your girl. Sounds like she might even be ready to receive it!


Annette said...

I know MC. I think I was trying to nip in the bud any comments about me enabling by getting her teeth done or buying her clothes. I also got her a new windshield for her car today so she can drive to out- patient each day without getting any more tickets. I feel like I am enabling her to continue to get well. And like I said, if it all heads south....thats a risk I am willing to take. I am walking into it knowing that I can't make it all ok or easy for her. I feel good with where I am at in regards to her.

Annette said...

Thank you Sherry. Your support makes me smile. :o)

n bloom said...

Great news about your daughter! I don't think its enabling to do all the mother/daughter things with your girl that you have both been missing out on. She is working her recovery and one of the many rewards of that is that she gets to rebuild relationships. I would shower her with your love, your time, investments in her health and safety. She is worth all of those things and you are sending her the message that you value her. I don't think you will ever regret that regardless of what the future holds.

Mary Christine said...

I would make a very poor alanon member. I don't even believe in the concept of "enabling." You can do too much for her and burn yourself out, that would be bad. But I don't believe that "enabling" or not "enabling" would have any impact on an alcoholic or addict who wants to be sick or get well.

Just take care of yourself. If you can afford to help her out, I say Go For It, and God bless you!

Signe said...

I'm so happy that your daughter is doing so well. It is a complicated and kind of twisted process we go through, too. I'm going through it myself. Learning how to live without addiction being present is complicated. So many old emotions and so many new ones that don't feel as though they fit just yet. My new way of seeing each day with my child sober is just that, another day, by God's grace, sober. No one knows the future and I'm working on not planning it especially with bad memories as a foundation. I'm SO HAPPY for you, Annette! :)

Syd said...

Glad that you are helping her and showing her that you will help when she is sober. It is kind of a reward based thing. Your love is always there but now you can also do some other things for her. That's good, Annette. I believe enabling means that I do for others what they can do for themselves. And for me that means that I try to fix them through doing things for them.