My life is moving at non-stop speed right now. Every day is filled with lists of things to do. I am leaving for a week long job, splitting my time between two clients, and the prep work that goes into me being gone for that long, is mind boggling. Make sure my bags are packed with everything I need to be gone for a week, groceries are stocked up, animal food stocked up, laundry is done, childcare is arranged, rides home arranged, dad's schedule coordinated with little one's schedule, soccer covered, he's on call this week which throws a wrench into everything, but they will figure it out. Is there any amount of money worth all of this effort?! Not to mention the very special baby shower I am attending the minute I return home, Molly's 21'st birthday (God help me,) picking up the Suboxone on the specific day they will allow me to pick it up, then delivering it to rehab. (Really, that is such a sore subject. For all of their talk of parents and enabling and co-dependence....they don't hesitate to use my services when they feel the need. Has it occurred to anyone to use a courier service for prescription pick-up rather than involving the families who are trying to detach?)
We went to see our girl today. She is staying the 60 days. I was thinking about her yesterday in my travels and thinking of how much easier it would be just to keep on using. How difficult the transition to life is when you have tasted the immediate relief that a shot of a heroin can bring you. However, if she chose to go back to using THAT IS ALL SHE WOULD HAVE. If she chooses to pursue life, it will be hard, it will take a long time of restoring what has been lost, but she will have so much more. Friends, relationships with people who genuinely care about her, life experiences like being physically active, the pride of holding down a job and providing for herself, self awareness, self worth, knowing that she has a place here in this world. She counts. She makes a difference. I eventually circled back around to it still being her choice, no matter how much I want it for her.
Today during our visit she said, "I am realizing that I love heroin and I am having to accept that about myself. I am having to accept that its not an option for me and that I might live my life loving something that I can never have again. Because if I pick up again, that will be all I can have. If I don't pick up though, there are so many things I can do. Like live."
Sad. But those are good awareness'. And bless that sweet girl's heart. I do love her so much. Such a beautiful spirit inside that broken soul. Brokenness can heal....I believe that! Nothing is ever beyond repair. Thank you Jesus!
Please keep praying.... I am.