Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Today is a new day......

God gives us what we need when we need it....this is what I read this morning in The Language of Letting Go; July 23. 

                                                                Making it Happen

Stop trying so hard to make it happen.

Stop doing so much, if doing so much is wearing you out or not achieving the desired results. Stop thinking so much and so hard about it. Stop worrying so about it. Stop trying to force, to manipulate, to coerce, or to make it happen. 

Making things happen is controlling. We can take positive action to help thing happen. We can do our part. But many of us do much more than our part. We overstep the boundaries from caring and doing our part into controlling, caretaking, and coercing.

Controlling is self defeating. It doesn't work. By over-extending ourselves to make something happen, we may actually be stopping it from happening.

Do your part in relaxed peaceful harmony. Then let it go. Just let it go. Force yourself to let it go, if necessary. "Act as if." Put as much energy into letting go as you have into trying to control. You'll get much better results. 

It may not happen. It may not happen the way we wanted it to and hoped it would. But our controlling wouldn't have made it happen either.

Learn to let things happen because that's what they'll do anyway. And while we're waiting to see what happens, we'll be happier and so will those around us.

Today I will stop forcing things to happen. Instead I will allow things to happen naturally. If I catch myself trying to force events or control people, I will stop and figure out a way to detach. 

She said she will go. There are several days between today and her intake so we will see. I am praying.

With that said, I want to thank everyone for the comments. Yesterday was a hard day. I felt a lot of deep sadness and grief. That happens sometimes. The reality is that recovery from heroin addiction is rare and not usually successful. The fact is that the odds are against her in some very significant ways. Some days I can manage that, I can accept that her life is what it is and may not change much. Or it might...I certainly don't know much of anything past the next couple of minutes. I certainly keep praying and hoping.

An Anonymous commenter brought up the idea of an ultimatum....go to treatment or leave. Of course that is always a possibility. I used to solely believe that. Like a pendulum I swung way to one extreme....now in my old age of doing this for so many years, I think I am coming back to a middle ground.  I don't believe there are many black and white lines in all of this anymore. There are far too many variables. Any decisions we do make pertaining to our own individual situation are made with much thought and with all of the variable circumstances in mind. Believe it or not, I don't share every detail of our lives here on my blog. There are reasons we make some of the decisions we do....and they aren't all about us being enablers. With much prayer, and seeking input from my sponsor, and from friends who are walking similar journeys, we make our way through each day doing the best we can in some impossible circumstances.  I think we all can agree that a young woman living in this world of addiction is at a lot more risk of awfulness than a young man. Don't get me wrong....it is unthinkably difficult and painful no matter the gender of the child, but young women are far more vulnerable to abuse and crushing mistreatment in the middle of all of this hell. Rest assured, every parent who finds themselves in this most unexpected of worlds, is doing the best they can at any given moment. What works for one may not work for another. If there was a one size fit all remedy, our kids would be fixed and we all would be able to blog about our hobbies or what good books we read.

Keep praying for us please....I am praying for all of you.


Anonymous said...

So happy your daughter has decided to go to treatment. It is a big decision and after many failed attempts, I think our children feel even more pressure. Sometimes not trying is easier than failing. I'm not a big advocate of tough love or ultimatums-- maybe because they never worked for my son either. I can relate to your approach with your daughter because she seems to be fragile. YOU are her mother and know best how she will react. Your daughter can achieve recovery and peace and a healthy life -- despite all the obstacles. At first, I just pleaded with God to keep my son alive. Then I pleaded with God to give me my old son back. Then I dared to ask God for my son to be even better than he was before addiction. Ask big!! Ephesians 3:20 Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us. Never give up!!

Signe said...

Annette, I truly love reading everything you write about. This posting, though, I feel is the best. The last paragraph should be made into a poster, like the things I learned in kindergarten poster. That paragraph oozes wisdom. :)

Topper said...

Ya'll are in my prayers. This post spoke to me today about letting go of control as I face an issue with my own child. It is never easy. Take care.

Erin said...

It is such good news that she has decided to go Annette. Please don't let the statistics make you lose hope for her recovery, I know of many that have recovered from this disease and have many years of sobriety. Last night at our group we were talking about control and I so agree it is hard for us to realize that we can't. I like what you said about putting as much energy into not control as we would to controlling. Another woman brought up last night at our meeting, she was speaking to the newcomers, that there is no one size fits all on how to handle our addicted loved one. One person may say to their addicted loved one you may never come back to my home again and that works for them while another may let them come back several times. Both are doing what is best for them. I understand the ones who close the door, the have been stolen from, etc., I guess I am lucky that my when my son was in active addiction he never stole from me. I guess me having less was more really. I am praying for your girl that she will follow through and go in. None of my actions every changed a thing for my son it wasn't until his arrest and subsequent overdose that he started the road to recovery. I always find comfort in your writings and it always points us back to who is ultimately in control God. Bless you.

Anonymous said...

Praying with all my heart, Annette!

SoberMomWrites said...

I too used to believe in a black and white world. Like you, the older I get the more shades of gray I find there are.

Just remember that these are YOUR shades of gray and you get to color them any shade that suits you and your family.

Prayers for you and your family.


Grace-WorkinProgress said...

I feel for you and there is no right answer for addiction. I have a friend whose daughter did finally recover from a drug addiction in her 40's.

She did decide to leave town because of the emotional triggers she experienced here and that her dealers and friends were easy to find.

Today she is five years sober and actually took her mother's Al-Anon friends out to dinner to thank us for being there when she wasn't.

Miracles are possible.

Mrs. Dubose said...

As a mother of a drug abuser/alcoholic (how is it even possible I can type those words?) I have learned one thing: There are NO easy answers. It's all hard. I wish you and your daughter peace, love, and laughter.

I wish those things for all of us.

God Bless.

Anonymous said...

I hope this time is THE time! Praying for you all.

Mary Christine said...

We all have to find our own answers, your daughter, and you. Your daughter will walk her own path. Nothing you will do will much affect that. You have to do what is right for you, not what is right for some commenter on your blog who doesn't even know you.

I never gave up on my daughter. Ever. But I did have some boundaries that were never crossed. Those came from my own soul. Not from a book or a therapist or a commenter on blogger.

This was the one and only area I didn't even listen to my sponsor. When my daughter was 17, she told me to walk away and not have contact with my girl. That's what she did with her girl. Her girl is now in prison for murder. I can see why she did what she did. But I had a different girl and a different answer. Thank God.

Hattie Heaton said...


I am so sorry that you are going through this right now. I have been out of pocket trying to move. This part is the absolute worst part. The Dad and I know that Will is not sober but he hasn't hit a bottom to want to change directions yet. When it does get bad....and it always does, there is that time when you just have to accept and acceptance for me is so hard. I will pray for H and offer mass for her tomorrow. Hang in there!

Patty D said...

Praying for you and your family. Your struggles and the honest way you share has helped me in my journey in so many ways. God bless.