I am back! lol
New year, new blog, new topics to discuss, new look. I am who I am though, so I don't know that it will be all that much different than my old blog.
I did take my old blog to the printer and am having it printed and bound into a book. That was 5 years of my life! I just couldn't hit delete and have it all be gone. So so much had gone into those blog posts. That blog was my outlet as I figured out lots of dynamics in my own life, including my own personal relationship with God, as I walked with my mom through her leaving this earth, through my kids moving out and then back in again, my weight loss and fitness goals...so much of ME was in those pages.
So here I am to begin again...
Today I wasted the majority of a whole day. It was wonderful! I did frivolous things like watched the season opening of Pit-bulls and Parolees that "little one" DVRed for me. Then I went upstairs and checked my email and there was an ad for an episode of Hoarders and it showed this beautiful Victorian house and said something like....no one knows whats behind these walls...or something like that. So I confess, I sat at my desk and watched an entire episode of Hoarders on my laptop! I never watch TV on my laptop. TV is for watching and laptops are for writing and communicating...and never the two shall mix. Until today.
After it was over I couldn't stop thinking about it....how it was such a perfect picture of so many of our lives. We are each beautiful masterpieces of creation. Each fearfully and wonderfully made. The problem is that we usually don't understand the miracle that we are and the worth that we hold. We work so hard to "look" good. By all appearances everything is perfect...but if we really open the door and look honestly at our insides, we see that we are carrying around so much hurt and fear and baggage and we don't know what to do with it, so we tuck it away, telling ourselves that we will deal with that later. But later never comes, and eventually our souls are brimming over and all of a sudden all of our emotional hoard is becoming harder and harder to keep tucked away. We shove it in and quickly shut the door, but it seeps out under the doorway. We quickly mop it up, block any opening, pull down the shades...we have allowed our beautiful selves to become polluted with the pain of this life. Before too long, its all too much and we have no choice other than to let the flood happen. To watch the wreckage of our life spill forth. To look at each and every molecule of it and acknowledge it and sort through it, and begin to purge ourselves of the stuff we have held on to.
We felt safe with all of our emotional possessions surrounding us, padding us from the world and more hurt. We realize that without us knowing what was happening, we have become frozen in place by all of our emotional possessions. They have taken away our freedom, set us firmly in fear, made us want to hide, not let anyone see what is really our lives and somehow we have stopped being our best selves.
In my experience, this flooding process was the beginning of healing for myself. It was me coming to the end of my own abilities to fix, protect, hide, polish and spruce, and present the picture of perfection. I had to let it all out and look at it all and not deny that it existed or wasn't as bad as I felt like it was. It was the MOTHER of all purging.
Once it was all out though, it was done. I had faced my worst fears, I had let people see *me* as I was and I let the chips fall where they may. From that point on, into today, I only have maintenance "housecleaning" to do. I can keep short accounts, I can catch something right away. If I am dealing with fear I have new tools to manage and face my fears. If it's anger, again I have learned some new ways to handle that....be honest, speak my truth, and accept that others truth may not be the same as mine and THAT IS OK. It doesn't negate what my experience is....or what theirs is.
Unloading all of that extra weight, clearing our walking spaces, brings some order to our lives so we can function freely. Its scary as holy hell in the beginning, but we don't walk alone. Our God walks with us, leading the way, showing us each next step and we can rest in His leadership and His grace and love. We begin to see that we are a blessed people for the process is giving us our life back.