I've wanted to write so many times, but I don't really have much to say. I feel like we are just getting through each day. There are some really great moments and then there is the background hum, the knowledge of the turmoil of my girl that seems to surround everything.
I found a wonderful addiction specialist who has been seeing her every week. She has made it to every appointment, on time for the most part, and he recently listed off all of her positive traits that he see's shining through despite her advanced addiction. He see's "her." He told me, "she is a good investment." I adore him for that.
I watch as he gives her time. He slowly has worked with her to build trust, to show her acceptance, patience, kindness. They are building a foundation together.
Ive been thinking a lot about how there are no quick fixes in this world of addiction and dual diagnosis. Once an individual is fully immersed the damage just seems to build exponentially. As parents we are so incredibly impatient to see progress, to watch
evidence of the healing unfold....to finally let our breath out that we
have been holding without realizing. To not feel afraid of what the
future could possibly hold for us in this foreign world of so very many
I met with a young woman a couple of days ago, the same age as my girl. We became friends because I bought a couple of spoon rings....remember those from the 70's?! from her Etsy store. She is local to my area, she asked to be my FB friend, and from there, I could see in her pictures that she probably knew some dark times. I asked her if we could meet for coffee. We did and she told me her story. What an amazing story it was....5 years off all drugs, married, pregnant with baby number 2, building a business and has a remarkable and very authentic relationship with God. We both sat in that Starbucks and cried as we talked....I had to make several trips for more napkins to mop up our faces, but it was a visit that filled me up. Here was a girl who came back from the edge and is thriving. In real life, sitting across from me and drinking coffee and sharing a visit. When I told her that I work at staying connected with my girl, she said, "Good. Because when you let her go with no contact, you only reinforce all of the messages she has running through her head of not being deserving, not good enough, too bad, too awful, worthless....keep doing exactly what you are doing. Keep loving her.
I'm thinking a lot about the gift of time that we are able to give to one another. I think of the story I shared from the book God's Hotel about Terry Becker and how she was given the gift of time to heal the from inside out. I think of a boy I know and love, who suffered a debilitating mental break but came home from the hospital and was allowed the time to just be. It was concerning to watch his lack of motivation, his lack of direction, his apparent lethargy...we watched and were uncomfortable and wondered when or if it would change....but in time we began to see action. He is currently a happy, handsome, joyful and funny young man who is working at a job and enrolled in school and challenging classes and is getting full credit for them. He is speeding along meeting *his* goals. But first he had to just be, he had to spend some time healing. I think of Lou's words in her last post.....it took her 3 years of navigating new and foreign and painful territory to find her bearings after the loss of her precious boy. To be able to be in the middle of us all again. It took time. She needed time for her wounds to heal a little, to not be so raw to the elements of interactions with the world at large. And bless her heart, she gave herself what she needed.
Time is a gift we each have the power to give to ourselves and to those around us who are struggling. I think of the relief I feel when I am rushing and someone says, "Its ok. Take all the time you need." I can feel my muscles loosen, my neck relaxes, and I can take a deep breath and slow down. I feel like I can't run as fast as I used to. I used to be able to work for days on end, and have every moment filled or double booked with obligations and responsibilities....but today, I need time. I need solitude and time to think and pray and meditate. I need quiet. I need to live at a reasonable pace.
I don't know what tomorrow holds. Today though, I will take a deep breath, I will sit quietly, I will breath, I will trust, be thankful, I will believe, and keep hoping....God is in charge of the outcome and I am never alone in this journey.
Bless us all.....