It's Official....
God is stirring the pot in my life, digging deep and unearthing my "stuff." Painful, scary, uncertain of how to proceed....but one thing I am certain of is that this is MY deal. This is not about one other person, not my kids, not my hubs, not my parents....this is my stuff that I need to figure out and deal with. There is no blame to be placed anywhere.
My most recent trigger you ask? A family wedding over the weekend. A beautiful and fun day, a dinner cruise around our beautiful Lake Tahoe...I was so proud of my adult kids and their partners and my little one who was so poised and friendly. My long time husband by my side...it really was a great day in every way. However, for me, the whole day of watching the drinking was too much. My two adult kids drank quite a bit, I felt. Of course anything more than the champagne toast is too much in my opinion. There was no slurred speech, no poor behavior, no nothing. Nothing bad happened. They were beautiful and charming and friendly and funny.....but as the day wore on, I was counting drinks and getting quieter and quieter and could feel my eyes begin to water. It took a tremendous amount of effort (Herculean) to keep smiling and acting like everything was great! My sweet husband knew but graciously didn't say a word. If he had I would have lost it.
I spent yesterday crying, all day. It just was coming out of me. Even when I took a deep breath and willed myself to stop, the tears just kept squeezing their way through. I drove my girl home from her weekend pass....she did not attend the wedding, and I cried and cried and told her I felt ridiculous. Nothing bad happened. This is an irrational response. Her gracious and kind reply....."Oh Mom, its all just a deep deep fear trigger for you. Maybe you could talk to your sponsor about it." Then she laughed because the irony of her telling me to talk to my sponsor was pretty funny...and pretty great!
I went to a meeting last night on my way home from the city and I cried through the whole darn thing. I kept telling myself "this is a safe place to cry" because I was mortified! Finally it was my turn to share and I shared my upset and I cried through my whole share. The good thing is that everyone got it. I wasn't alone. Lots of nodding heads, lots of hugs afterward. One woman said, "Your safe now. Its ok to cry and let it all out." They understood my irrational response.
During the meeting a woman shared after me and she said, "Those of us who have lived with people who check out through alcohol or drugs have been in war zones. There is very real trauma associated with the experiences we have had. Its like being raped....you may never completely get over it."
I hate to compare what I have been through to what a soldier in combat has gone through. I really don't believe that can be accurate and it feels disrespectful to our soldiers. However, I have seen and lived through years of violence and fear and chaos and anger and threats and that has quite obviously left its mark on me.The last half of her share....being raped and maybe you never get over something like that...did resonate. Rape is a terrifying and dehumanizing act of violence. I have not been raped, but I have lived through and with terrifying and dehumanizing acts of violence many times. My heart is pounding just typing that sentence.
As a young adult I did some "adult child" work....but I really couldn't stomach "the poor little wounded girl" deal or the victim mentality that went along with it. I skipped that part of recovery for many years. About 27 to be exact. lol I think the difference now, is that I had the privilege of walking with my mom (my very first alcoholic) as she left this earth. A lot of healing took place there for the both of us. A lot. It was a miraculous time for she and I....not because we had all of these hard feelings, but it was just a beautiful time of tying up loose ends, sharing our hearts, giving and receiving forgiveness, acknowledging that she could leave this earth free and in peace because her slate was clean. *Our* slate was clean.
What I am currently going through is not birthed from anger. It is not about blaming or writing letters to my dead parents, its about healing those scary ghosts that I have buried and avoided looking at, its about digging those roots out so that I can be free and at peace. It is scary as all hell... I am not too afraid of feeling it all, I don't think at least, but I am afraid of crying for days and days and not stopping. I am upping my meetings, but I am also thinking of finding a new therapist to talk to. I don't know that I can do this by myself.
I am amazed that one can be walking along with everything going just fine, relatively speaking, and WHAM! God decides, "Today is the day Love! We are digging in!"
Lets all keep praying....
Annette
My most recent trigger you ask? A family wedding over the weekend. A beautiful and fun day, a dinner cruise around our beautiful Lake Tahoe...I was so proud of my adult kids and their partners and my little one who was so poised and friendly. My long time husband by my side...it really was a great day in every way. However, for me, the whole day of watching the drinking was too much. My two adult kids drank quite a bit, I felt. Of course anything more than the champagne toast is too much in my opinion. There was no slurred speech, no poor behavior, no nothing. Nothing bad happened. They were beautiful and charming and friendly and funny.....but as the day wore on, I was counting drinks and getting quieter and quieter and could feel my eyes begin to water. It took a tremendous amount of effort (Herculean) to keep smiling and acting like everything was great! My sweet husband knew but graciously didn't say a word. If he had I would have lost it.
I spent yesterday crying, all day. It just was coming out of me. Even when I took a deep breath and willed myself to stop, the tears just kept squeezing their way through. I drove my girl home from her weekend pass....she did not attend the wedding, and I cried and cried and told her I felt ridiculous. Nothing bad happened. This is an irrational response. Her gracious and kind reply....."Oh Mom, its all just a deep deep fear trigger for you. Maybe you could talk to your sponsor about it." Then she laughed because the irony of her telling me to talk to my sponsor was pretty funny...and pretty great!
I went to a meeting last night on my way home from the city and I cried through the whole darn thing. I kept telling myself "this is a safe place to cry" because I was mortified! Finally it was my turn to share and I shared my upset and I cried through my whole share. The good thing is that everyone got it. I wasn't alone. Lots of nodding heads, lots of hugs afterward. One woman said, "Your safe now. Its ok to cry and let it all out." They understood my irrational response.
During the meeting a woman shared after me and she said, "Those of us who have lived with people who check out through alcohol or drugs have been in war zones. There is very real trauma associated with the experiences we have had. Its like being raped....you may never completely get over it."
I hate to compare what I have been through to what a soldier in combat has gone through. I really don't believe that can be accurate and it feels disrespectful to our soldiers. However, I have seen and lived through years of violence and fear and chaos and anger and threats and that has quite obviously left its mark on me.The last half of her share....being raped and maybe you never get over something like that...did resonate. Rape is a terrifying and dehumanizing act of violence. I have not been raped, but I have lived through and with terrifying and dehumanizing acts of violence many times. My heart is pounding just typing that sentence.
As a young adult I did some "adult child" work....but I really couldn't stomach "the poor little wounded girl" deal or the victim mentality that went along with it. I skipped that part of recovery for many years. About 27 to be exact. lol I think the difference now, is that I had the privilege of walking with my mom (my very first alcoholic) as she left this earth. A lot of healing took place there for the both of us. A lot. It was a miraculous time for she and I....not because we had all of these hard feelings, but it was just a beautiful time of tying up loose ends, sharing our hearts, giving and receiving forgiveness, acknowledging that she could leave this earth free and in peace because her slate was clean. *Our* slate was clean.
What I am currently going through is not birthed from anger. It is not about blaming or writing letters to my dead parents, its about healing those scary ghosts that I have buried and avoided looking at, its about digging those roots out so that I can be free and at peace. It is scary as all hell... I am not too afraid of feeling it all, I don't think at least, but I am afraid of crying for days and days and not stopping. I am upping my meetings, but I am also thinking of finding a new therapist to talk to. I don't know that I can do this by myself.
I am amazed that one can be walking along with everything going just fine, relatively speaking, and WHAM! God decides, "Today is the day Love! We are digging in!"
Lets all keep praying....
Annette
Comments
It brings out things I have put away and thought were covered up. I don't know how to throw away the box so I just accept that when the box is opened it is something I must deal with and carefully put it away again.
A big loss always dredges up past losses. Let it go my friend and start a new day. You have many blessings that come from your own good work and good decisions.
I won't blame my father for his drinking, my mother for her narcisstic absentee parenting that made me have to act as the adult at around 9 years old, my grandmother's boyfriend for molesting me or my grandmother for practically pimping me out to him. All of those people were broken and reacting to things that were done to THEM.
By the grace of God I was given the fortitude to put an end to all of the brokeness and begin a healing. But it's hard. It's really, really hard. You want to keep it gone, not dig it up and create more...more. But when you don't dig and examine, you end up being triggered by your adult children drinking responsibly at a wedding (haven't had to watch that yet - I'm not looking forward to it), or a book you're reading over the weekend.
Reach out and let someone help you through this. You've earned it.
Namaste my friend.
Sherry
I love this quote. And it feels like it's true too, doesn't it? The feeling of relief you get after a good cry becomes the gift from God.
This post caused me to do a lot of thinking last night. So much in fact that I wrote my own view on PTSD as a parent of an addict on my blog. www.parentsofanaddict.blogspot.com Hope you don't mind I ask people to come to your page and read this post.
You are such a strong woman and so intuitive to recognize this for what it was...I am hoping it rubs off on me if I just keep reading your blog
You are strong Annette and you are working your way thru it. I hope today is a good day for you!
I also have been diagnosed with PTSD. I feel like I have been surrounded by people with drinking issues since I was a child. See to me, it is perfectly reasonable that you wouldn't want to see your other children drink. It is like watching someone you love play Russian Roulette with a loaded gun. I have been getting a lot of counseling support and go to twelve step meetings but my anxiety persists.
Thank you for sharing your journey with us. I wish you and your family peace, love, and health. Many blessings to your girl!
http://upontheheart.blogspot.com/2013/03/the-one-in-mirror.html
She's right, ya know. Yes, I realize I speak as the addict, but I can only imagine. Today Annette, my husband's life has to be as though he is wandering (some days) in a war zone, cautiously, strategically, and fearful of those IED's those land mines. I mean, one could detonate at any given moment. Without warning even. Terrifying.
Thank God for the rooms !!!!
I'm new to your blog. Came her via Ron Grover and am a fellow northern Californian. I can relate to your feelings and being sensitive to the amount of drinking that goes on these days. I feel our culture promotes drinking via advertisements and the continue social pressure, especially for the young people.
My daughter became sober at 20 and it was an awakening for me to realize the subtle and not so subtle pressure she would be under to drink, from the men she dated, to her friends, to the atmosphere at work.
As a parent it is hard to watch and know what our kids who are trying to stay sober are up against. Thanks for sharing your post. Know that there are many of us out here that share your feelings and understand what you are going through.