Journey of recovery...search for serenity

A Jake update....

2012-01-30T16:00:00.000-08:00

The family called at the last minute and backed out. They thought they should wait until they move to their new house with all of the acreage. We are ok with that. Below is a picture of Jake. D had gone through the doors to go downstairs and told Jake to wait there. Those are the doors he usually pushes through so we put that dining room chair in front of them now. So Jake climbed up in the chair and sat there waiting. He is such an endearing dog.....but 5 dogs!!!! We really can barely bear to let him go though. But 5 dogs!!!!
PS: Excuse the sock basket in the corner....laundry day.
Annette

Growth.....

2012-01-28T17:06:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I went and got a massage....it was glorious, but that is beside the point. The girl gave me some paperwork to fill out and one of the questions was "do you have stress in your life?" For the very first time ever, that I can remember, my intital gut reaction was....NO. I was actually surprised and told myself to think for a minute...I mean gosh, maybe I could come up with something! As I thought about it I realized that despite the usual events and drama that pop up occasionally, at that moment I did not feel stressed, or worried, or rushed, or preoccupied, or fearful.

Because I am powerless over most everything going on and it mostly was all other people's stuff. I realized that as of that moment I had learned to let go and apply it to my daily life and it was serving me well.

We did have an event this week where it no longer was safe for H to stay where she had been staying. Danger due to her own choices is one thing. Danger due to someone else's behavior is another. We gave her a quick place to stay and are figuring things out from there.

Where the growth was apparent was that D made some quick decisions while I was at work and not reachable. We were able to discuss them, I could share my perspective, which was a lot of tools learned in my program, and he was able to listen, and I was able to present them as ideas....not as facts that must be carried out the exact way I say. Either one of us got defensive. We were able to talk and not argue, we each heard each other. I was able to walk away feeling calm and not angry and frustrated. I was able to think on it all, wait to come up with a solution, and a dear friend reminded me that nothing needs to be decided *this minute.*

I went to a wonderful Alanon fundraiser today. I loved being with my people there. One of the people sharing was talking about her early years living with alcoholism in her life and she said, "I didn't know there was another way to do things" as she shared that she screamed and yelled at her husband to get him to stop drinking. That really resonated with me. I think I knew that somewhere, somehow there had to be a better way to live life, but I didn't know what it was, and I certainly didn't know how to find it.....until I stumbled my way into the rooms of Alanon. For whatever reason, I found a way out of the turmoil and the fear that I lived in day after day once I began working my program. I began to focus on my own character defects and stopped being consumed with what everyone else was doing "wrong" and began to keep my own side of the street clean. It was my spiritual awakening and I believe it was only by God's grace that I found my way out of the chaos that I had lived in for so many years.

We have found a potential home for Jake. I posted him on Craigslist and a girl called me. I asked her a bjillion questions and she patiently answered each one. She is letting us come over to their house tomorrow and bring him and do a "home visit" to make sure their yard is good, fence sturdy, let him meet their other dog, and see if they like him. She had asked me to send her more pictures so I did. Lu said, "Ask her if she can send you a picture of herself and we can see if she looks nice or not." : ) They just inherited the boyfriends g-pa's 5 bedroom house on 42 acres. So we will see how it goes. 5 big dogs is way too many for us with kids and work. However if this doesn't work out, he will be back with us. Thats part of the agreement....if it doesn't work out, they will return him to us.
Love to all.....
Praying for our precious kids.
Annette

Our Homeless Homies....

2012-01-25T09:12:00.000-08:00

Our rain is gone and who knows when we will have some again. This has been the driest winter in many years.

I have decided to fore-go the ACA group. I explained why to the leader and she said, "You know best....there will be plenty of time later if you would like to ever pursue it." I love the freedom in this program. No guilt. No persuading or manipulating me to do what she thinks is right. Instead I get to trust my gut feelings! Imagine that....maybe I do know what is best for myself.

Lu and I started volunteering at our local resource center 4 hours each Wednesday. It is a place where the homeless can congregate and use the internet, they have a nomadic shelter where they are bussed to different churches in the area each evening to sleep in doors, they are allowed one shower a week, to wash one load of laundry a week, they have a kitchen they can use to cook a meal, there is always a good flow of coffee coming from that kitchen, they can use the resource center's address and phone number as their own. The mail is delivered and its Lu's job to alphabetize it and then stick it in the slots. She gets to listen to the phone messages and then write them all down in the very official looking message book and post them on the bulletin board. She gets to file important paperwork in the filing cabinet.....she is in her glory! I love that they gave her *real* jobs to do. Although I had to tell her she couldn't call them "hobos," said in all innocence of course. They are our "homeless population."

When we left last week I asked her if she was ok with being there. "Were you comfortable or was it weird for you?" There are some rough people there and I certainly don't want to make her volunteer with me if she is afraid or uncomfortable. Her reply.... "I loved it and can't wait to go back next week!"

Unfortunately this week I am so sick and we aren't going....but next week we will be back at it. So I am on the lookout for tents and sleeping bags to pass out. While we were there the past couple weeks, it has made me so emotional. I don't show that of course....but all I can think is that each of these people were someone's beautiful little newborn son or daughter at one point. They all mattered/matter to someone.

The thing I love to see is that some of the homeless clientele are volunteers to keep the place up and running. They do not just receive.....they contribute so much. There is rarely problems with behavior, no drugs or alcohol are allowed on the premises of course. One of the gentlemen sleeps there at night as a security guard, one runs things during the day and last week served Lu and I a huge lunch that was donated....I felt so guilty taking it, but the lady who is training us said, "Take it. It makes them feel good to have something to give to you." Really, it just chokes me up. Very humbling.

Ok, I'm going back to bed now....ugh.
Annette

Rainy Day

2012-01-22T10:44:00.000-08:00

Today is a grey rainy day around here. I LOVE it! My house is a wreck because we all have been coming in just long enough to change our clothes and clean up and then head off to another day. So my goal is to get things to my comfort level.

I woke up with a chest cold. Dog gone it! I am taking 3000 mg vitamin C and zinc and drinking lots of water and I will try to lay down at some point today. I have to be at functional healthy level by tomorrow night when I head back to work. I am filling in for someone so there is no one to fill in for me!

Someone at my Friday night home-group is starting an ACA group on Sunday afternoons. They will meet 2x a month and go through the ACA 12 steps workbook. I really want to go. The things that hold me back is that its another commitment to my already bursting schedule. I have come to learn through the years that I must have some down time just to be at home. It feels good to me to be at home. I love to be there and to do my thing, to bake, to be with everyone, all the dogs, to take care of business there. The other thing holding me back is that I just had this time with my mom and it was so precious, and I don't particularly want to dredge up all of the yuk that went on. I used to really want to dig in and figure it all out until it was done....but I don't feel that way anymore. I think its all much simpler than I ever thought.....my mom loved me and did the best she knew how to do. Sometimes it was enough and sometimes it wasn't. Thats about it. Just like I do with my own kids. Sometimes I am right on target with them, and sometimes I get in the way and mess everything all up with my need to "help." So I am thinking on this one....We will see.

As to my girl H....I don't know what she is up to as far as drug or alcohol use. When I talk to her she sounds good, as far as clean, rational, thinking things through in a very realistic manner. Sad and quiet and doesn't quite know what to do with herself....but she continues to put one foot in front of the other. When I told her about the neighbor boy she told me how sad that was and that despite everything she has put herself through, despite how untrue to herself she has chosen to live, she has never gone there. I was relieved to hear that. There is always hope! There is always a way to turn things around.....no matter how deep into addiction one goes.

I paid for her to be fingerprinted and have her background check so that she can be a caregiver for a friend of hers. She has gotten drugs from this person in the past. So is this a good idea? I don't think so. Was paying for the fingerprinting enabling...probably. But in her mind, its a job, and it can lead to other jobs and she has jumped through all of the state's hoops to make it happen. She is motivated to work and have some money to pay her own way as much as possible. She offered to pay me back for the fingerprinting. I will be honest, I am afraid something on the background check with come back and kick her in the butt.....but of course I have no control over that. I can only put it into God's hands and let Him work out those details as He see's fit. I am not afraid she won't get the job. I am afraid of the tremendous disappointment that she will go through if it doesn't work out. I don't even know what is on her record...I know she's not a felon. It seems the courts work out deals, if you go to this class, pay this fine, we will drop charges.....so who knows. Maybe she has a clean record for all I know! I have to let that go. I can't focus on all of that because I really don't know the facts and its none of my business.
God bless us all.....
Annette

Sooooo behind

2012-01-21T10:03:00.000-08:00

I've been almost entirely gone from home this past 10 days with work. Its been crazy...wasn't I just posting a few weeks ago that I didn't have enough work?! So I am behind on my blog reading and answering emails...so if you are someone I owe an email to, forgive me, know that you are loved and it was nothing personal.

Yesterday I went to a memorial service for my neighbor's son. He was 21, a wonderful young man with a strong faith, funny, a strong outdoors man, handsome, had a heart for the marginalized and the brokenhearted, the people who were suffering....all over the world. He traveled to South America to serve those who were in need. This beautiful young man jumped off a dam in our area and killed himself. The mom and dad each shared at his service, all three of his sibling shared....now they are the heartbroken people.They have a strong faith and they are trusting in that right now as much as they can.....but I can only imagine that they are also feeling very lost. The mom said in her time of sharing, "its ok that I don't understand, or have the answers to how this happened. God knows and for now that can be what I trust in. He see's the bigger picture."

The thing I regret is that I never got close to these neighbors. We had so much in common, both had 4 kids, believed strongly and was involved in various forms of alternative education, both were families of a faith.....but due to my own struggles and what was going on in my own house, I didn't want to get too close. I was sure they had heard the yelling from our house, the swearing in the driveway, saw the sheriff cars or fire truck coming down our driveway at all hours of the day and night, God only knows what they had seen or heard through the years....I was ashamed. And I looked at them and thought they were perfect. Their yard was always neat and trimmed, their garage perfectly organized, all the kids would be out working with the parents to keep things up, they had bible studies at their house, the kids went to youth group....I couldn't live up to all of that. And to be honest, when we did wave as we drove by them while they were out walking, they never waved back, they wouldn't look up usually, and we all thought they weren't very friendly. We thought they probably knew all of our dirt and didn't want to associate with us. I know....because its all about me and I know that I was probably all they were thinking about, right?!

And now I feel like really, we all were hiding in our houses, with our hurts, our worries as mom's, our shame for being less than perfect, for having problems that were out of our control, and I think if we had only given each other a minute, we could have been friends, I would have told her our stuff and she would have known she wasn't alone.

It just makes me so sad and I am trying to figure out a way to reach out to her.

In other news....Molly is so dang happy with everything in her life right now. We were recently talking about how the detour to So. Cal. was just that, a detour. Her trying our her independence but it wasn't part of the plan that was meant for her. She came home and put her original plan back together and everything fell into place. She has classes that she loves, teachers that she really enjoys, has made a bunch of new friends, track is going wonderfully, the coaches have become friends and advocates and guides to her future, she has her little nanny job that she LOVES. Recently I commented that it seems like she is back to doing what she was really meant to do. She said, "Yes! and it feels GREAT!" I feel so happy for her!!!! It feels so good to have a kid who is doing great all on their own!

Lu has lost her interest in French for now and Jake is driving us all crazy. We have these french doors that we close to heat up the main part of the house and numerous times a day he stands at them on his back legs and pushes down the handle and then barges through them. Over and over again. He wants to be with a human constantly and is constantly standing right in our path. While I open the oven to get dinner out, he is right there, while I wash dishes, he is right there so I can't get the dishwasher open without making him move.....which is no small task. But he does have the sweetest face and if there is no room on the couch for him with all of us, he will sit next to us on the floor with his head resting on one of our laps. The other day big brother came over with a beanie on, to take Lu to school for me, and Jake stood over Lu who was asleep on the couch, and guarded her. He growled, showed his teeth and wouldn't let big bro in until he took off his beanie and showed him who he was. That won Jake some staying power with D and big bro.

Good Lord... I'm tired.

Some of you have shared beautiful photographs of your precious kids with me. I have those in my God box and I am praying for them everyday. I feel honored that you trusted me with them. Our precious kids, lost in their own world, but so loved by each of us.

Bless everyone today, "real good" as my g-ma used to say.

Love to all....
Annette

Laundry day

2012-01-17T08:59:00.000-08:00

My H spent the day with us washing laundry. It was a nice day. She was quiet but clean. Thin. She brought loads and loads of laundry....she did most of the work and I helped with folding. No big heavy conversations. We just were together. She thanked me for letting her come home and do all of that, she worked on her room, packed up some things she needed, vacuumed, took home some cleaning supplies, but asked me if it was ok first. A simple courtesy...something that had been lost in feelings of entitlement and anger.

We talked about having another day in a couple weeks where she comes and we work on making some warm duvet covers for the kids she is living with and caring for.

Its a beginning of the rebuilding of relationships. It was good. We love her, we enjoy her. At one point I heard her laugh out loud and it made me stop in my tracks...I love that sound.

We will see what the future holds. It occurred to me that she doesn't have to *live* with us for everything to be ok, for our relationships to be considered whole. She can live on her own as an adult should and live according to her own convictions and that is good.

Praying for us all....
Annette

Letting go and letting God

2012-01-15T23:46:00.000-08:00

I had two things work themselves out today that were a direct result of me getting out of the way and letting my HP handle the details.

#1 was a work related disagreement with someone I was sharing a job with. We had bid the job at one amount and the other caregiver wanted to change the bid mid-job. You just can't do that...we would look like waffling idiots! I was having a fit and was so mad. I laid awake thinking and obsessing and calling her mean names in my head until finally I realized I had to let it go. I had spoken my opinion as forthrightly as I could. If she didn't want to do it my way, there was really nothing more that I could do. So I prayed about it, put it into God's hands and let go as best as I could. Today she sent me a text saying she was "wrong" to have tried to do that, was "sorry," and was going to leave the bid as is. I texted back, "Good girl. You underestimate your worth."

#2 was regarding Molly and a relationship in her life. I was full of opinions and advice and obsessing about how I thought things should go...until once again, I realized what I was doing. I again had to let go and put it into God's hands. Today she texted me telling me of her very wise and mature decision. We met for coffee and had the greatest talk. I was able to make an amends to her for my fear driven obsessing and listen to her talk it all through and I was amazed at how strong my girl has become, how well she knows herself and how straight forward she is.

Do you hear the angels singing?!

Molly was telling me all about her track team and how much fun it has been getting to know the girls. The stories are hilarious! Molly is one of two white girls on an all African American team. She told me about a young man on the boys team who comes everyday to practice with his baby daughter in the stroller. He pushes her into the stadium, puts her brake on, makes sure she is covered up and ok and then goes out to practice. In between work outs he runs over and checks on her, his team mates from the girls and the boys team all help out and push the stroller or play with her, the coach will coach while holding the baby....this just touched me. Most kids would give up on track in these circumstances....that everyone pitches in to help him, that its a group effort, not organized by anyone, but that is randomly coming to be...they see a need and they are meeting it...I just love it! It was like one of those things that you stumble across without expecting it and it shows you that all is ok in the world for today.

Happy to be back home with my fam and my dogs and all of my junk that means something to me.
Night,
Annette

No Man Is an Island

2012-01-14T09:37:00.000-08:00

I am reading a book that VJ sent to me...No Man Is An Island by Thomas Merton. The first chapter is about the paradox of love. "Love Can Only Be Kept by Being Given Away." It talks a lot about selfish love. Very powerful ideas....

"To love others well, we must first love the truth."

"The truth we must love in loving our brothers is the concrete destiny and sanctity that are willed for them by the love of God."

"If we love one another truly, our love will be graced with a clear sighted prudence which sees and respects the designs of God upon each separate soul."

"A selfish love seldom respects the rights of the beloved to be an autonomous person" and " It insists that he conform himself to us, and it works in every possible way to make him do so."

"There is, however, one universal basis for friendship with all men: we are all loved by God, and I should desire them all to love Him with all of their power.

This is not an easy read for me....I am taking notes and I have to really think. Above are a few of the ideas that really stood out to me though...In my mind selfish love = co-dependent love. Loving another no matter what the cost. Denying my own needs to take care of the "beloved." Denying the needs of others around me (husband, kids, elderly parents) to tend to (barge into) the life choices of the "beloved."

Of course this can apply in my life to more than just my daughter....I find that I can be an enabler to anyone. lol Everyone is fair game. I have caught myself with Molly and had to pull myself out of her business and wait to be asked for my opinion. With Lu I catch myself doing things for her that she is very capable of doing for herself. The same with D. What is my motivation....its easier sometimes just to do it myself, it is my way of showing love....but what it really accomplishes is a false sense of need. If you don't want me at least you will need me. I ensure myself a job, a place, by being needed. And what message does that convey??? I am not so entirely certain that I am lovable just for the sake of who I am.

These awareness's are huge. Being aware is the first step to change. So this is a good process. Finding *my* identity as the person God created me to be. All of my identities are part of that picture... the mom, the wife, the old person whisperer, but they aren't what warrants my acceptance or lack there of, of myself simply as a child of God.

Lots to ponder....
Annette

An Olive Branch

2012-01-14T09:08:00.000-08:00

I am currently on a 72 hour shift in a beautiful home with top of the line everything and a charming 42 year old disabled woman. As I look around at the perfection, which is truly beautiful, I still am happy to go home to my goofy husband, my hilarious kids, all of our animals, and my big old cabin/house filled with all of my thrift store treasures. It is nice to be content and not want what everyone else has, never feeling like you have enough or what you do have is not good enough.

I told D that "someday it will be just you and me and 1 dog and everything will be clean all at once." His reply, "and we will be so lonely and missing our kids." Uhhhh, maybe, maybe not. lol

H is coming over on Monday and bringing loads of laundry for she and I to work on together. I offered. A good reason for a visit. I am thinking/hoping she is clean since they test her at these classes. They have to pay to do laundry where she is living and she said they are picking out what they really want to wear and then washing that....so its all never done at once. We will see....I am working on entering into that day with no expectations.

Have a beautiful Saturday.
Annette

court ordered treatment

2012-01-10T16:58:00.000-08:00

So my girl is having a go round with court ordered treatment. It is costing her 1100.00 and they meet once a week and sit around and watch episodes of Intervention, with the "group leader" sitting with the remote in hand turning the tv on and off and controlling the volume, and then they go home. It is maddening. My first reaction is that this is a money making scheme for the county and not really a method of helping drug addicts find sobriety. I know, big surprise! But I am always hoping for the best.

I know that God can use anything, even this, and I continue to pray He does. I am staying out of it other than to say things like, "Hmmmm, sounds frustrating." When she tells me how homesick she is, I say, "I know honey. Its hard." I think I'm doing ok for today.

In my regular old everyday life, I have a good full work routine for the next couple weeks that I am enjoying. Molly is commuting 120 miles round trip to work out with her track team everyday before school begins next week. She is LOVING her nanny job. Little Lu has so many irons in the fire.....She is in charge of the props for their Odyssey of the Mind skit, working on her nutrition focused science faire project, and a report on Folk Remedies that is filled with drawings, pressed plants, and written descriptions of potions that the Indians and Colonists used to heal what ailed them. And of course last but not least.....her study of French. Thank you Anna for the reference you gave to us.....awesome! I have it bookmarked. D and I wave hello as our paths cross each evening. Our time will come....for the next two weeks though, this is what we have, emails, texts, and a quick kiss hello and goodbye.

Other than that I am continuing on day by day by the grace of God. Praying the same for all of you.
Annette

My 7 things.....

2012-01-07T11:58:00.000-08:00

Pam gave me this variegated? No thats not it... varied? No, let me go back and check... "VERSATILE" blogger award....Thank you Pam for thinking of me. I feel like I am anything but versatile though. I like routine, and structure and as much as I have tried to be this laid back person, its really the truth that I am a control freak at heart who wants everything in order and the same. I don't like change. That is what feels safe to me.
Let me think here...who can I pass this on to? How about Tori, Signe, and Annie, three other versatile bloggers whom I love reading. Feel free to pass it on or not. Totally up to you girls. I do look forward to reading 7 things about you though. :o)

Here are seven things about me....

1. I am a licensed hairdresser. I gave up that glamorous job because my neck was always killing me (and to raise my little goslings) and became a "professional butt wiper" as a fellow caregiver calls herself, for the elderly. I love it, but now my neck, my shoulders, and my elbows are killing me. There is more involved than wiping bottoms, let me tell you that right now!

2. I have never been drunk or high...maybe that is part of my problem.

3. As a child we moved every two years. Not in the military, just unsettled. I went to 5 different elementary schools by the 6th grade. I had a method for walking in and meeting new people and not getting beat up for being the dorky new kid....always have a smile on your face and greet people.

4. I was in elementary school back in the days when kids walked to and from school. I prayed everyday, all the way to school and all the way home and I remember that despite my less than stellar circumstances I felt true joy in my heart. I would think..."I am so happy. I wonder why...it must be God in my heart." And I believed that with everything in me. I still do. God has had His hand on me from my very conception. I've never been alone and I am grateful!

5. I LOVE fried chicken (Dawn this is for you) but rarely eat it anymore because I can feel my arteries clogging before I've even left the table. It creeps me out.

6. This may come as a surprise to some of you, but I am a deeply emotional and compassionate person. I feel so much all the time and I love so much and I'm ok with that....even the hard stuff. I think I have to feel everything until I am done....and then its done. I haven't avoided, hidden, stuffed, at least to the best of my ability and I can move on. Until the next time.

7. I have highlighted my hair since I was in the 6th grade. I have always had some shade of blonde hair and even my own color isn't too much darker than what I pay for. See, I told you I don't like change!

Blessings to all......
Annette

A New Book give-away!!!

2012-01-06T19:42:00.000-08:00

Actually this is a CD set by Father Terry R titled "Our Journey From Fear to Faith."

This set has more of an AA focus, but the principals can certainly be applied in anyone's life....whether addicted to people or substances. Father Terry talks about our "fear problems" and describes how we are able to move from fear to faith as a result of doing the steps of the program. As his occurs we are in to surrender, and at the same time our idea of what surrender is changes.

If you are interested....email me. Lv4gves@comcast.net

Many blessings!
Annette

Reminder

2012-01-06T00:01:00.000-08:00

Good Lord.....was there a big poster size photo of my family on my last post? I hadn't seen it and then today when I went to post my comments there it was! Sorry about that.

Today a family member emailed me and told me he had found a video from 1973. We were all at a big family event. I was 9 years old and he said that in the video I was trying to get my mom to leave the event. He wanted to know if I wanted it.

No thank you. I remember that event. It was a big drunken mess. Just thinking about watching that video made my throat feel tight. Yeah, I was trying to get her to leave before anyone could see how sloppy she had become. By the time I "got things under control" and persuaded her to leave, she was falling down drunk. All that goes along with being falling down drunk was happening. I'm not going to go into great detail....but you can imagine I am sure. By the time my older brother got us home, I was crying and got a good solid slap across the face.

This memory took me by surprise today. I hadn't thought of it for so long. I just had this beautiful time with my mom and nothing can change that. But this was a reminder of what we had to work through together. I love my mom. But there were times that were so awful. Times that have left their mark, no matter how much counseling I go to, no matter how much Alanon I have, no matter what truths I face head on....alcoholism has left its mark on my life. I think it may be a mark that never leaves me, a scar on my soul. I think that rather than looking to have it heal to a place of invisible non-existence....I will learn to live fully despite this mark. Despite the feelings that still, to this day, rise up in me when I am around people who are drinking. Maybe part of that will be acknowledging that this is just part of who I am. I am not comfortable around alcohol and/or drug use. I'm just not. I don't know that it will ever change.

On to other trivia.....

*Molly got a great job as a nanny to a 3 month old and a 2 year old. She loves the family and they seem to love her. Molly is a heptathlete and the husband is a triathlete.... so they have all of this in common....plus the beautiful babies, whom she has fallen in love with.

*Little Lu has made it her mission to learn French. She found a book with a couple tapes at the thrift store and she is diligently listening and working in the workbook, trying out phrases, telling me the difference between Mrs. and Miss.....Madame and Mademoiselle. We will see where this takes her.

*Congratulations to my best friend who just became a grandma for the very first time to an exquisitely beautiful 5lb 2 ounce baby girl.

*I have a great work schedule right now.....making enough money but not gone constantly. I hope it can keep up. I am praying.

I am also continuing to pray for all of our children here who are struggling to find their way to freedom.

Annette

A New Years hike today.....

2012-01-01T20:15:00.000-08:00

standing on the icy bridge

Me and my guy...

We went on a beautiful 6 mile hike to the back of a local lake, to the waterfalls. It was gorgeous. Unseasonably warm...until we got back to the falls. It was icy cold back there and we only stayed for a bit. We have had no rain and no snow...very unusual for our area.

We got home and I promptly burst into one of my adult kids business which led to a rather heated disagreement. It ended with me apologizing for treading where I didn't belong. My opinion had not been asked for, but I couldn't fathom that she wouldn't want to hear it. I mean really, who wouldn't want to hear what I am thinking?

Will I ever learn?

Tomorrow is a new day. I am praying for my blogger friends who are suffering right now. This is a tough journey and Barbara you especially are in my thoughts and prayers tonight.
Love,
Annette

Grace

2011-12-31T21:28:00.000-08:00

Through this journey, I have felt like God's grace has been there for me, abundantly available. The definition of grace is "unmerited favor." It has been up to me to live in that grace or to live in my own strength. I vacillate between the two. Sometimes I get impatient and I charge on ahead trying to force solutions, because quite frankly, I am tired of waiting. We have been doing this for 10 years now.

That approach *never* works. It never has and it probably never will...no matter how many times I try it. And what is the definition of insanity..."doing the same thing over and over but hoping for a different result." Nothing changes until something changes. I am what has to change, since I am the only thing that I have any control over.

So with that in mind, I feel God's grace when I think about the gifts that I am given daily. Not because I am so good or have done such a good job and I *deserve* them.....no, not at all. I receive God's gifts to me because He loves me, despite my imperfections, my flaws, my total unadulterated mess ups, He still chooses to bless me with my family, my living environment, my friends, my work, His provision. I am blessed to be able to laugh everyday....a good down deep, throw your head back, laugh everyday. I am blessed to be able to hear the impressions and insights of a 10 year old that see's things that I often miss in my busyness. I am blessed to have someone by my side who has learned to love well, faithfully, and grows more compassionate with each year. I am blessed by my program and the people I have met there. I no longer have to keep secrets and hope that no one finds out. I have trusted friends I can share with and they can share with me. We are no longer alone. And my "normie" friends who may not get the whole program thing, but they love me and encourage me and listen to me and pray for me and mine, and I pray for them and theirs. We are good with each other right where we are at.....oh my gosh, I am so grateful for those blessings in my life.

I have shared this before, but I love this story...so here you go again. My mom used to work in downtown Oakland Ca. For 30 years. She would feed the homeless and say "there for the grace of God go I." She was my very first alcoholic. She introduced me to God's grace in many ways. By being imperfect and by acknowledging that God was the only good thing inside of her. It was only through His power that she could do anything.

I think "grace" and "humility" might go hand in hand.

Happy New Years to all...may it be filled with God's grace, new beginnings and much peace and serenity for us all.
Much Love,
Annette

This is my girl...

2011-12-29T07:11:00.000-08:00

Over on a fellow blogger's site the topic of cherishing sentimental family items was brought up. Who out of our children would love family things....most of us only have 1 child who is interested. For me that would be my H.

After my mom died, I found that H had put together this little memorial. I don't think she would mind if I share it with you. This is a my real girl. My girl who loves her family and cherishes things passed down through the generations. Nothing special...a little leather covered magnifying glass, books, photos. Here she has a picture of she and my mom when she was little, some of my mom's shell collection, a serenity rock that I gave her the last time she was in treatment, and the little green vial to the right contains a pinch of my mom's ashes.

This is my girl.
Annette

Christmas...

2011-12-27T23:51:00.000-08:00

Christmas was a non-event around here. No drama, no real fun, just kind of any other day. Son was away at girlfriend's family the next state over. H was not at home. We had Molly and Lu with us, D cooked a big breakfast for the 4 of us, we opened gifts, then got ready for the day and went to a movie. We saw Sherlock Holmes...bleh. Later that night Molly and I took a friend out and we went to another movie and saw The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. Good story, interesting mystery, but a really horrifyingly brutal rape scene. I closed my eyes and covered my ears. Then today a friend invited Lu and I to the movies and we saw We Bought a Zoo.....by far the best movie of the weekend! Such a nice story and nothing like I had expected.

I am feeling like this time with H a door has been closed. I think right now she is mad and hurt that we have enforced our boundary of living arrangements. She doesn't feel it is fair, she doesn't agree with us, and to me, to my mom's heart, the idea that she is *feeling* like we don't want her around is very very painful. I do not want her to ever feel rejected by us, but I am afraid that that is how this is coming across to her. On the other hand, she refuses to get clean right now or work any sort of a program. I really don't know what else to do. If she doesn't want to get clean, she has that right, but not in our home.

I feel like D's and my life has come to a standstill while we wait for H to get better. We go through the motions everyday, we go to work, we parent Lu, we cheer on the other kids, but all the while we are really just waiting for the one who is lost to be found and returned to us.

Annette

Merry Christmas

2011-12-24T09:50:00.000-08:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS

Merry Christmas to my Blogger land friends. I am so grateful for each and every one of you. I am praying for each of us to find God's peace and serenity during this holiday.

Annette

I Love it When the Program Works its Magic.....

2011-12-23T23:56:00.000-08:00

I have been struggling with the holidays and the tough boundaries that we are setting with H. Part of me has felt very certain of what my personal limits are, but there is another side of me that wonders if I am doing the right thing. Which probably explains me feeling defensive earlier this week.

I went to my home group tonight and it was an open share night where anyone can pick a topic and share some of their story. When the meeting was opened up, I jumped at the chance and confessed that I had actually come with an agenda. I was hoping it would be an open share and I was hoping that if everyone else agreed we could have a meeting talking about boundaries. I shared some of what I was struggling with, the doubt, the guilt, etc.

These are some of the things I heard tonight about boundaries:

1. Boundaries are made for me. Am I setting a boundary to obtain serenity in my life? To create a safe living environment? They are not used to manipulate our addicts to do what we want them to do.

2. Whatever decision I make, whatever boundary I set, I am doing the best I can with what I know at this moment.

3. List what I think I can control.
List the ways I try to control.
List the results.
What do I find in this exercise? Have I done this before and what were the results? Does anything change?

4. Wait for the question and then know that I always have the freedom and the right to answer, "No, that doesn't work for me."

When I got to the car, I found I had 5 text msgs from H. She however, was texting me, thinking it was someone else. The content of those msgs confirmed yet again, that I am setting healthy boundaries. I felt like the meeting was so rich, so just what I needed and then those text msgs were just like God opening a little window so I could see that I am really not so crazy after all.

So I keep praying for all of our children here. God hang onto each of them, wrap them in your arms, hold them in your gentle hands and show them the way. Soften their hearts, let them not feel alone, but know that You are with them, waiting patiently to love them perfectly and set them free.

Feeling grateful tonight and hopeful for the holiday.
Annette

Back to Gratitude.....

2011-12-22T07:58:00.000-08:00

I realized I got distracted and never finished my 30 days of gratitude....so here it goes, resuming where I left off:

Day 22: I am grateful for my simple but full life. I have no college education, in case y'all didn't notice, and I feel so blessed that I get to participate in life in some very real ways that make a difference for those I encounter. Like working with the dying...I think of how I am just me, an old housewife, mother of 4, and I am *humbled* that God would pick me and allow me to do what I do.

Day 23: I am grateful that when I need to, my Higher Power God, gives me the strength to do difficult things that are necessary. I couldn't walk this path without His strength coursing through my soul.

Day 24: I am grateful for my few remaining family members. I went to see my aunt (my dad's sister) yesterday and what a blessing that was for the both of us. She is a quilter and her home is filled with beautiful quilt works all over. She is my mom's age and I got to share with her about my mom's last weeks. My mom, she and I all share the same faith so it was meaningful. We got to talk about her mama, my grandma, who was always such an island in the storm for me during my childhood, and the far reaching influence she had on our family and all of us coming to know God. Actually I blogged about my Grandma Anna here. She was one of those grandma's who raised some of her grandkids...my dad and his first wife were deemed unfit parents back in the very early 60's when that sort of thing didn't happen very often, and the children were given to my grandma. He then began a new family with my mom....and we all know how that turned out. Anyway, today I am grateful for my hodge podge of a family. They are who I've got and they are all doing the best they know how to do every day.

Everyone have a beautiful day today! I get to see several of my favorite clients today and meet a new one. I am looking forward to what my day holds. My little Lu will come along for the ride and I know that each person we see along the way leaves their mark on her also. I am glad she is exposed to people who are less than perfect, whose memories aren't what they used to be, whose bodies are weak...it teaches her to look into the heart, that everyone has worth and something to offer in this world.

Annette

Let me explain

2011-12-19T09:02:00.000-08:00

A couple comments on my last post have me feeling a little defensive, like I want to explain why I am where I am....so right, wrong, or indifferent, here it comes......

I do not want to see my child nodding off, glassy eyed, slurring her words, disheveled, skinny, rambling a mile a minute or raging. Plain and simple. Distancing myself does not mean no contact. It means when she calls or texts I respond with love and care but I can not let myself get caught in her vortex. I have other kids who are dealing with their own life stuff and the ramifications of having addiction in our family.

An old Alanon veteran of the program friend told me "wait for the question." I wait for her to ask for what she needs/wants vs. assuming and running around trying to meet those needs, the needs that I think would make her life better, easier. I think that is part of giving her the dignity to be the adult that she is. If its something I am able to provide with a clear conscience than I do. I love this girl beyond words. I see such tremendous promise in her.

Endless money, time, and effort has been poured into her addiction and she has made her choices. She has the right to choose the kind of life she wants to live, but so do I. When we talk, she understands where I am coming from, which always makes me admire her so much. She has enough recovery under her belt that she gets the limits and boundaries....and to be honest, I look at that and I think she is so brave. She looks at our intertwined lives head on. She doesn't blame (most of the time, at least) but takes responsibility for her choices and knows that the effects on our relationship are part of the package.

I don't think ANY parent makes these difficult decisions lightly. Some here know the gut wrenching agonizing contemplation it takes to put your child out because you can not support their life of addiction in any way. These are often life and death decisions and that is when trusting in my HP has literally carried me. If me bringing dinner over, helping with laundry, dying her hair, would bridge a gap or show her how much I love her, I would do those things. Instead they just insert me into the chaos and I have a choice to be there or not and I choose not for today. She knows she is loved beyond measure, but she also knows that we don't have to participate in the world she chooses to live in.

I love my girl.....and if love was enough, she would not be sick anymore. But its not.
Annette

Women Love

2011-12-18T10:53:00.000-08:00

Historically the older women in a family helped and encouraged the younger women. When a girl got married or had her first baby the older women gathered around, they were there to help her do everything, to provide love and direction and encouragement. The young mom and wife knew she wasn't alone, but had a support network all around her to help her carry on and fulfill her responsibilities. She felt *emotionally supported.*

Today that kind of family support is not the norm and it is so sad. Everyone is busy, working, trying to make a living, caught up in their own problems, and God forbid we enable our kids and do for them what they could and should do for themselves. I know that I personally get very confused about what is normal, supportive, loving being a mom...and what is enabling. Right now I am personally in a situation where I believe that I have to have a hands off approach to my daughter...but I *want* so badly to be able to go over and bring a pot of soup, help her get her laundry done, she's been into the hair dye and I wish I could bring my supplies and add those fiery streaks she is trying to achieve. The difference is that my daughter is not clean or sober and my going over would undo all of the hard work of letting go that has gone on in the past weeks.

There is that fine line of loving and encouraging vs. enabling. Today, I read a beautiful example of what to me seemed to be that perfect balance over at Pammie's blog. The older women loving the younger woman. It was so touching, so beautiful to read of them gathering around and working together and loving in all of the imperfectness of everyday life. Navigating the tough stuff together.

And another thing.....I can give support but I can't receive support. I don't like to have anyone help me, I don't like to need, or rely on anyone. I don't know how to receive help and love and support. It makes me squirm and look down and just generally really uncomfortable. So now no one offers anymore. I have squashed their efforts over and over again....and now they are afraid to try again because I reject them and that hurts them.

If anyone can muster up the courage to try again with me, I need to muster up the humility to accept graciously the love that is being offered.

Annette

Jobs, faith, etc....

2011-12-16T23:28:00.000-08:00

Well I got the darn job. And if that isn't enough, within 5 minutes of pulling out of the parking lot, I got a call from a private family to do overnights....as many as I want. They will need 24 hour care and I can put together a team for that of women I love to work with. I am going to meet them on Sunday. If that works out I will tell the agency to hang onto my paperwork, but I am needed elsewhere for now.

When I began to panic about money and working enough or not enough, I felt my HP saying, "Be patient. See what opens up." I had a very real awareness that doors would open as they needed to. I have never had to pursue work. It has always come to me and usually more than enough. Was it possible that this lull was what I needed emotionally after losing my mom? Was this lull possibly my HP loving me and providing just what I needed? Is it possible I didn't know how to be still and receive such a blessing? Yeah....I think so.

Me calling the agency was me forcing a solution in my time.

Another lesson learned.
Annette

Slim Pickins

2011-12-15T21:37:00.000-08:00

Since my mom passed away I have only been working about 11-14 hours a week. No where near enough. While I LOVE my current schedule and probably needed the time to focus on home and my little Lu, it is now not working out financially.

So, I have a job interview with an agency tomorrow. I have always been self employed....first as a hairdresser and then as a caregiver. I am going in letting them know that I have 3 night time slots open that I can cover. Three 12 hour shifts. No day times available. I have my core clients that I won't leave and I am still homeschooling Laurel 3 days a week so I need to have some time at home for her. Not to mention I need time to nurture my own sanity and then I need time to do the things I love, also need time to touch base with the rest of the family and to be able to be at at least my home group meeting each week. And I have to have time to be able to walk a few times a week. Housework?? Yeah, that too.

We will see how it goes. At first the owner told me that if I wasn't available for days they would put my application on the shelf until they needed me. I was relieved. "Ok, I tried!" Then she called back.....and said they would hate to pass up this "opportunity" to get me on their team. I am wondering if she talked to any of my references...whom I shamelessly coached ahead of time to only talk about my "good" qualities. :o)

I feel so good though I am going in with a clear picture of what I can do. I hope that I can stick to it once I am in there...not be persuaded to do 24 hour shifts on the weekends or some craziness like that.

I'm also trying to figure out the dynamics of Christmas day....I need to talk to my sponsor about that one.

Love to all.....
Annette

PS: It is official, we have fallen in love with the new dog. I found a shelter that will neuter him for 55.00. Shots are under 20.00 each. We have named him Jake and he is a keeper for sure. As a matter of fact....here he is in all of his glory, totally comfy and feelin at home.

Hyper-Vigilance vs. Living in Faith

2011-12-11T17:17:00.000-08:00

I was talking to a fellow-mom, a member of our club. We both agreed that we live our lives in hyper-vigilant mode, always, constantly. Sounds like fun huh?

After we left each other, I thought of how I have lived in hyper-vigilant mode for my entire life. The word vigilant means: watchful, alert, heedful, attentive. Can you imagine living a life on alert at all times? As a child both of my parents were violent fighting alcoholics who when they drank were often out of control. I learned very early, as far back as I can remember to be aware, to know what was going on, to gauge the amount of alcohol being consumed, to listen to tones and volumes in voices....and I would jump into action and fling myself, quite literally, into the middle of everything if it seemed to be roiling out of control in the least bit. I was always trying to head off the big explosion. Sometimes I could do it and sometimes it all rolled over me like an ocean wave knocking my feet out from under me and leaving me to find my way back to the surface to suck in a gulp of air to keep myself afloat.

From those years I moved forward into adulthood, never comfortable with alcohol or drugs. I don't drink alcohol. At all. God forbid I ever enjoyed a single glass of wine with friends and not be in complete control. Well there's that and then my sheer terror of becoming an alcoholic.

Of course with my children I was always *there.* Stiflingly, adoringly, overbearingly, lovingly, always there for any and every thing that could arise. H has been known to say, "OMG, I KNOW you love me. That has NEVER been the issue. I DO NOT feel unloved."

So learning how to get out of everyone's business, how to let my guard down and let life happen as it may, without being on alert and prepared for any and every occurrence, both good and bad...and live instead with a recognition of and a reliance on my faith in a Power greater than myself and understanding that quite possibly He is able to manage without my always being "on," has taken quite the Herculean effort on my part. I had to learn how to lay down my fears and stand defenseless in the shadow of my HP and allow Him to take over. Sometimes I am successful and sometimes my fear overtakes me and I fall back into high alert mode. I am most definitely a work in progress.

Acknowledging that no matter how aware I am, no matter how attentive I am, I can never foresee every calamity that might befall us. That I am *only* a person and very little, if anything, is the end of the world. Acknowledging my powerlessness and living one day at a time, at least as of this minute, for today, keeps me sane and lets me relax as much as I am capable of. Detaching for me used to mean not calling my daughter constantly to make sure everything was ok. Now as her disease has progressed and as my knowledge has grown, detachment means that as crisis rears its head in her life, I can let her manage it as her own crisis. I can give her the dignity to handle her own stuff. Not easy, let me tell you! I can see now that my hyper-vigilance was really a symptom of my knee-knocking fear that my whole world might all fall apart. And it might....there are no guarantees in this life. I am left with a daily choice to let go of my fear, to detach, and to live in the moment and to do the best I can.

Relax.....
Annette

Today has been quite the day of Ordinary Life

2011-12-09T23:30:00.000-08:00

Ok about that dog...no one has called. Its only been 2 days but if one of our dogs ever gets out we are out looking within hours and have him home by that night. I hung signs yesterday and D texted me early in the morning to instruct me to not say what kind of dog he is. "Just say 'Found Dog' with our number and let them describe him to us." It is things like that that have kept me loving that man for the past 27 years. He is willing to take on yet another animal...because this will be dog number 5 for us IF we keep him.

Molly is all of a sudden having "bronchial spasms" and can't run for 2 weeks. Her doc gave her a steroid inhaler and an albuterol inhaler. She is going crazy and texting me all day because she is bored. Not funny.

I talked to my girl H today. She sounded pretty good as far as her physical condition. We had a nice conversation. I listened a lot and didn't tell her my opinion, not even once. Her life hasn't changed and she is still frozen in place not being able or willing to make a decision to go in one direction or another.

My client today had big plans for us...a visit to the Goodwill which is a few towns away and then lunch at In and Out. She was so adorable. She wanted to find some Christmas cards and some plastic bowls for her daughter who is a teacher, but was not willing to spend .49 each on them. I told her next week's outing can be to the Dollar Store and we can probably get a "set" of plastic bowls for a dollar. Oh my gosh....new plans with a frontier to be conquered.

I also bathed my Alzheimer client and her husband and I talked about the author, Thomas Merton whom I was introduced to by our fellow blogger VJ. This gentleman had many good things to say about the wisdom of this author as he showed me his little tattered paperback volume of Life and Holiness that dated back to 1962.

I have a Hospice family who I feel so fortunate to be allowed to work with. The kids have gathered around and are doing most of everything, but they call if they have questions and I go over once a week or so when they need help. They will miss their poppa, but no one is afraid of dying in that family. They have a faith and they are reassured that they will see each other again one day. There is a son who has Downs Syndrome....such a precious sweetness I have ever seen. Always helpful and filled with gratitude.

So I came home tonight to the 5 dogs, the 3 kids (adultish and childish) and the husband.... a houseful. Christmas gifts were being wrapped, school work was discussed that wasn't able to be completed without my help, a laptop was being repaired, dog bedding was hauled into the hallway to be washed, I had to do a "go-back" to one of the adultish kids who had cleaned the bathroom but didn't sweep the floor. Tomorrow is dog bath day. Its a full life filled with the ordinary.

I'm tired and heading for bed. After I watch an on demand episode of Pitbulls and Parolees.

Many blessings!
Annette

Letting go....just some pondering going on here.

2011-12-07T21:36:00.000-08:00

Having to lose our lives so we can find it seems to be a theme in my life lately. Surrender. Today Terri over at "My Beautiful Son" posted about letting our kids fall so that they can find their own way. It is such a challenging paradox that seems to go against the nature of parenthood. It requires faith in something much larger and stronger than ourselves. It also appears to be an ongoing path. We weeble and wobble off and on if we have any amount of human nature left inside of ourselves.

Letting go is not only about letting go of our addicted kids and loved ones of course...its about letting go of the past, letting go of our expectations for what the future may hold, letting go of past hurts and allowing God or whomever or whatever your Higher Power is, to take care of those issues.

I don't think it means letting go of our goals for ourselves, unless our HP shows us a different path that He has for us. I think it is more about being open to what He shows us and not set in doing it *our own way.* My own way has not worked. In my experience letting go of my expectations of others has been HUGE in nurturing my relationships with those I love. If I am expecting my daughter to get clean and get her life together so that then I can be happy, or if I am expecting my husband to change any part of his personality and then I will be happy....I am heading for trouble. I am heaping a burden onto someone else's shoulders which is not theirs to carry. My happiness is my responsibility. Letting go of my expectations of others...when I have been able to do so, has helped my relationships to grow in some tremendous ways. We are all in each others lives because we want to be, because we love each other, flaws and all...not because of guilt or fear or pressure.

So thats it for tonight.

Today I found a stray red-nose pit bull. I drove around and asked some area ranches, no one knew who he was. I took him to the vet to see if he was microchipped, no luck. No collar, he isn't neutered. I am thinking maybe someone just dumped him. Sometimes people bring their dogs up here and dump them because its the country, no one will track them down and the dogs are relatively safe on these back roads. I posted him at the pound in town, and I will hang signs. After two weeks if no one claims him, I will get him fixed and then we will see. Our neutered male blue-nose pit is not happy. We are trying to introduce them slowly....this red-nose (temporarily named Charlie) is SO sweet and shows me how high maintenance our blue nose (Odin) is. Charlie has no cat aggression, no food aggression, no dog aggression...he jumps into his play stance when we introduce him to any of the other dogs...it is so cute. But Odin is temperamental and not willing to play...yet. I am hoping but I can let go of the idea of saving Charlie and giving him a good home with us, if it doesn't work out. I will find him a good home somewhere else. ;o)

Bless you all....
Annette

Odin as a baby

Charlie

A new book give-away!!

2011-12-06T20:48:00.000-08:00

I have up for grabs, a new copy of Courage to Change, a daily reader from Alanon. It is a favorite among many. First to email me gets it...I pay shipping, my gift to YOU.

lv4gves@comcast.net

Many blessings!
Annette

Gratefulness

2011-12-06T09:22:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I still fall into thinking that just maybe I have made "a mountain out of a mole hill," as my mom used to say. Maybe I have made a much bigger deal out of this addiction thing than was ever really there. Maybe when she was teenager I over reacted to her black outs and to being called by other parents to come and pick up my drunk daughter...maybe it was all just a phase and I over reacted so much that I threw her into high gear on this path. Maybe I created this. And maybe I did.....but then I look at the facts. The legal issues, the wrecked cars, the broken people, the physical scars of her addiction....and I think, "I couldn't have created all of that. I am not that powerful....am I?" God I hope not.

Grateful day 22: I love the people I work with. I have an Alzheimer man who can do Sudoku puzzles and teaches me how *every* time we meet. Being "the teacher" gives him so much self worth...and I really do need to be taught. Sudok's are tricky. He speaks in rhyme and I call him my Dr. Suess friend. When I walk into the room, he looks at me like he isn't quite sure who the hell I am, but he knows that I am familiar, safe and someone who is *for* him. I have another woman in her 90's and I am her rent-a-friend. I enable her to do things she couldn't do on her own anymore. She is legally blind but she listens to about 12 books on Cd each week, which we replenish from the library. Sometimes I read the same book and we have our own little book club. We have lunch, we cook together, make phone calls, she dictates notes and I do the writing. Her daughter says I have given her some of her freedom back. Then there is my sweet little Alzheimers lady who I shower, do her hair, trim nails, rub lotion...her husband calls it her thousand mile tune up, but she and I call it her "spa day"...she is filled with gratitude, tells me I am beautiful, prays a blessing over me each time she sees me, hugs me and kisses me...these are my core clients. People I won't quit until they leave this earth. I work around my time with them if I add anyone, because to be honest, I receive far more than I give with each of them.

Grateful day 23: Molly is finding her way with school. It has been a *challenge.* A really huge challenge. A confidence shaker for my confident girl. She is back to her original plan of running track for a community college down in the city. The coaches welcomed her back with open arms, and are planning her classes with her, setting up tutoring, giving her the hope that she can do it. They are her advocates and they are telling her to use her sport as a tool to get through school. She is learning some lessons the hard way.....by making mistakes. Which is ok! Her mistakes are just the regular kind, the kind where she comes away saying to herself, that didn't feel true to me, thats not who I am, that didn't work out the way I thought it would, and they don't include the cops so we are all good.Mistakes can be our greatest teachers if we are open to that process.

Grateful day 24: I am so grateful for my husband and his strong work ethic. He has kept us afloat for almost 27 years now. He faithfully goes to and from work each day. He supports me in working a lot or a little. He is a co-parent who has the skills I lack. When I am crazy he is sane. When he is worried and hanging on, I am able to encourage him to detach and let go and *trust.* And he listens, he receives....which is more than I can say for myself when the roles are reversed. It takes me a minute to process and to choose to let him lead and to listen.

This morning when I dropped Lu at school it was a bone chilling 30 degrees outside. Bright blue skies though. She took off bundled up with hat, fingerless gloves, scarf flying behind her, and warm jacket....and my heart melted at the sight of my girl going off to meet her day.

Bless y'all
Annette

Whew... grateful 20 and 21

2011-12-03T19:56:00.000-08:00

"Ok," she says, as she smooths her hair and straightens her skirt.

I got that outta my system....so moving right along, today I am grateful (#20) that my dear friend D is alive and well. This girl is young, maybe 30, is married with 3 kids, active, a runner, thin, and mysteriously went into cardiac arrest and died. Thankfully she was in a public place and the people around her knew what to do. Someone did CPR, while someone else ran to get the AED machine. It took 3 shocks to bring her back to life. Now after a drug induced coma, and defibrillator implant, and less than a week later, she looks like nothing has happened. Youth! I am so grateful that my sweet friend is ok. That she is here to continue to raise her kids in just the wonderful way that only she knows how to do. To be the fun and faithful partner to her husband...they have created a simple, but fun filled life together.

Grateful day #21: Last night at my home group meeting we found out that we are in charge of making "the love gifts" for the winter fundraiser. This is the kind of stuff I am not very good at....I am not a joiner or a committee person, at all, ever. I will help out with anything, but I don't want to be on the "love gift" committee. So the group decided to make these little bookmarks with ribbon and one scrabble tile with a recovery themed word or picture decoupaged onto the blank side ....have you all seen the cool trendy jewelery made out of scrabble tiles? Since that has become "a thing," wooden scrabble tiles are HARD to find. I drove to every thrift store in 3 towns to look for old games of scrabble....but nary a one was to be found. I posted on freecycle.org and voila...95 scrabble tiles for free. We only needed 75 so we have room for mistakes even.

So thats what I've got today. Btw, I would probably go again to family days. As a matter of fact, if you are a betting person, you could probably bet money that I would at least be at family group meeting #1. Today when I think about it I don't feel like it. The thought of it wears me out. But if we were actually in that situation and my girl was making efforts to get healthy, you can bet I would feel rejuvenated in my stamina to carry on and be supportive. Also, my girl has never maliciously drug us through the mud. She spoke of a hindrance to her recovery.....our fear and need to control, a very valid point. I apologize if I implied differently in my drama of the moment. So thats that...I threw my little tantrum and I'm back to letting go for the next 10 minutes and then the next 10 after that.

Love to all.....
Annette

Lou's got me thinkin....

2011-12-02T10:07:00.000-08:00

Lou mentioned in one of her posts that she will continue to go to family days as long as they are offered.

If we ever get to that point again, I don't feel that way and I do feel a little guilty about that. Although reading her post and the comments are helping me to figure out my own deal here.

I feel like we did that. We drove a million miles round trip, took up an entire day once a week, we all went, the baby of the family sat and played and drew while we sat through these sessions, the 14 year old sobbed through them, I sobbed, dad cried, big brother refused to come, and I don't want to do that again.

There is a part of me that feels like I did my part honey. I went, I bared my soul, I told of every mistake I ever made as a mom, in hopes that shedding light on that would set you free. I let you tell me of every mistake I ever made as a mom and I took it, I owned it. We gave all of our money to your healing, anywhere, no matter the cost, we would do it. I became friends with the other girls, I cut their hair, brought their babies clothes, I did everything I knew to do to accept this foreign part of the world, to love them, and to not judge. I laid my co-dependence out there for all to see and laugh at and say how sick I really am. I believed, I trusted, and I hoped! and it didn't work. If anything its gotten a hundred times worse.

And now I am thinking of Pam's recent post...."get the fuck off the train." No one asked me to do any of that. But I am the MOM!!!
.
So now Lou has brought up that maybe we go and we learn something new about ourselves. If I go in *humbly* with out any thinking that I know what anyone needs, including myself, without thinking I will love these girls and make a difference for them, show them they have worth, maybe if I just go in in my own broken state and know that though I don't use substances the way my girl does, I have my own emotional substances that I use. Food, control, love, co-dependence, *arrogance,*....all are used in ways to manipulate others to do what I think is best for them. "Because I do know, and if anyone will just give me a minute and listen".... my codependent mantra. My girl and I really aren't all that different in our stuff. Different substances, different behaviors, still crazy stuff.

Whew....maybe this was more something for my sponsor....but here it is and I am going to hit "publish."

Annette

Grateful day 19

2011-12-01T17:20:00.000-08:00

I am so grateful that I got to be with my mom for that last month. I know you all have heard every gory detail about that time in my life and her's but it was truly such a precious time. A time of letting go in a very real and tangible sense, a time of forgiving and being forgiven, of letting go of past hurts and allowing old wounds to heal. I think that my mom left this earth as an emotionally whole person. I feel like it was one of the few times in my life where I knew that I was exactly where I belonged and I was doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing. What a blessing to be given.

Last night and today we have had *really* strong winds. It has required bundling up, fires in the stove, and a good supply of hot chocolate. Very exciting....

My Molly is learning some painful lessons...thankfully I know enough to stand back and listen and watch. No barging in, no intruding on her process, just loving her and responding when I am asked to. Once again....Thank God I found Alanon!

Lu and I are watching a movie tonight called "One Lucky Elephant." Its a documentary about Flora an African Elephant who a circus trainer kept as a pet for 17 years. When his health begins to fail he wanted to re-introduce her into an elephant family. Lu just did a fabulous report on African and Asian elephants so this is her area of interest these days.

I am off to a quick job and then home for my movie night with my girl.

Blessings to all.....
Annette

grateful day 17 and 18

2011-11-30T10:08:00.000-08:00

Day 17: Today I am grateful for the concept of "acceptance." The concept of acceptance brought me to a place of accepting what is. Not wishing for the future or whining about the past, not worrying about what *might* happen, but looking at the reality of today and being grateful for what I have and what is being worked into my spirit by my circumstances...anything from true unadulterated joy to patience.

Day 18: I am grateful for addicts in recovery (Pam, MC, bugerslug, and many others in my real life) because I learn so much from them about "the other side." Things I wouldn't know any other way.They teach me a different perspective that helps me understand more than I would without them. The compassion I see emanate from them for one another is one of the most touching things I have witnessed. Like this Pam Post.... I was just telling my husband about it last night and it made me cry. It makes me cry everytime I think about it. Someday I pray my daughter meets someone who can *see* her and love her where she is at like this.

I had a weird dream about my mom last night. We were in a catastrophe....a building had collapsed and there were armed guards everywhere and I was alone in this mass of people trying to get to safety. And then all of a sudden there was my mom. She was younger, middle aged, and walking well and she strode over to me and then it was the two of us navigating the masses, trying to get to safety.

There was a time where I did look to her for security. Where just seeing her made me feel safe. It was nice to revisit that time and to see her in her younger years.

Ok everyone, have a good day today. Lets all look for the good.
Annette

Ok, I take it all back..... grateful day 16

2011-11-28T11:29:00.000-08:00

Since I posted on my lack of family unity, I have had example after example of how mistaken I was. I think I should have said, "My kids have critical moments with each other but overall love each other and want the best for one another."

*My son has little tolerance for his sister's life choices....however, at the time of her birthday he texted everyone in the family and asked if we all wanted to get together to celebrate her birthday.

*Molly just told me she texted her sister and offered to go to meetings with her "because I know its hard for her to walk in alone."

*H, even in the depths of her darkness will mail Lu notes and cards just to keep in touch.

*Lu is always drawing and creating gifts for everyone. She has them all wrapped and under the tree already. She is genuinely a generous person.

So the family we are, while imperfect as all get out....is good enough. This is the precious family that God has given to me, and I feel blessed to have each of these quirky, hilarious, sometimes difficult, people in my life. I am grateful for my family. I always wanted to belong to a family...and today I do. The one that God put together just the way He saw fit....there are no accidents here.

Yesterday in Gabor Mate's book The Realm of the Hungry Ghosts, I read that the dr himself has ADD and believes that people with ADD age slower than others who don't. His theory is that people with ADD spend so much of their time zoned out that they don't take on the stress of life as much. I found this hilarious....as my precious dear husband definitely has undiagnosed (except by me....and on this one I am right!) ADD. Not to mention he still has a baby face at 53 and I am so jealous! I read it to him and he said, "Hmmmm, interesting, thank God thats not me." (note dry sense of humor)

Annette

My first book giveaway!

2011-11-27T12:51:00.000-08:00

I have an audio set of 6 CD's to pass along. They are from a conference and Father Tom W. is the speaker. The title is: Making Peace with Ourselves as Adult Children of Alcoholics.

Father Tom is one of my favorite AA/Alanon speakers. Very funny but very meaningful.

First to respond that you would like this item and it is yours. I only ask that you pass it along when you are done.

I will pay shipping. Email me at Lv4gves@comcast.net

Many blessings!
Annette
PS: I am so excited!!

Ta da! and my grateful day 15

2011-11-27T11:47:00.000-08:00


Christmas 2011

Well we did it...we got our tree up. I always pick an un-groomed douglas fir....I love them. Full and free form...but this year Molly spoke up that she wanted something different. I don't know what this kind is called but it was a nice change. We put up minimal decorations around the house....not my usual 4 rubbermaid tubs. Too much to clean up when the holiday is over.

This has been such a nice morning....I read a long newsy email from my best friend in real life. I read several really good blogs, my dear blogger friend Lou is back home safe and sound, I am drinking a delicious cup of espresso roast with lots of cream....my favorite. Little Lu and I will go do our volunteer job today and Santa is supposed to be there.

We never did Santa with our kids. I know, some people think it is almost inhumane. We let them have Santa stuff and take their picture with him, but they always knew he was pretend.....just like Mickey Mouse or Tinkerbell. Same with the Easter Bunny and tooth fairy. But my kids liked knowing the truth and they are all ok with it....unless, really, maybe THAT explains everything! ;o)

So Lu is thinking about the littles who will come to see Santa and she is looking forward to watching their reaction but she is far too mature herself (and shy) to think of talking to him herself.

So today I am grateful for people who speak the truth into our lives. Even when its hard to hear. It takes courage on both parts....courage to speak and courage to hear. Bless their hearts for caring enough to be uncomfortable and to take a risk to tell me something I need to hear.

We have a young family coming over tomorrow morning to pick up Lu's old Waldorf play stands and arch. She had many years of good imaginative play with those....puppet shows, stores, house, camping out under a starry night...I am happy to see them go on to a new young family who will breathe years more of imagination into them.

Bless you all today. Keep it simple.
Annette

Family Unity

2011-11-26T23:44:00.000-08:00

I am realizing, yes a little slow on the draw, that there is just so much that I have really never known about or understood.

There are things about cleaning that still take me by surprise. No one taught me how to clean, so for example, I never knew you had to wipe down your baseboards. Mine would be dusty and I would think, "Well what do I do? Surely no one is expected to get on their hands and knees and wipe them clean *all the way around the room?!* In *every* room. Or the corners of the kitchen floor....if the mop doesn't reach, then what? Home maintenance is A LOT of work. I was raised in apartments so I had no idea.

The other thing I realize that I was lacking expertise in was creating family unity. I think my mom had an idea of how she thought things should be or could be with her 5 kids.....but she didn't quite know how to put all of the pieces together. Thus her 5 kids relationships consist of the occasional text message, "just checking in....how's life?" There is a lot of judgements and criticism in those relationships...some more than others. Lots of history there.

And now I am seeing that I have propagated that same lack of family unity within my own little family circle. I did the best I knew how to do, but I didn't know anything about discipline, or nurturing a camaraderie amongst my kids, one for all and all for one. They love each other, and they all love us, but each operates in their own little world. There is very little unity or "I've got your back" amongst my kids. There is a lot of criticism though. Thankfully I have learned to not participate in that....I say, "thats your opinion." and can let it go.

Also, I have to add...none of this applies to Lu. The olders all adore her and she adores them. Its mainly amongst the three older ones.

What I have learned from living through all that I didn't know....is that acceptance of one another, right where we are at, with boundaries set in love and with care, is a supreme gift. There is nothing like it really. In my mind picture...I see a family circle of imperfect people finding their way, all knowing that they can rest in the love of each other, always knowing they have a place that is theirs, a place to go to in this world where they are known so well, where they belong.

Now....how to get that from being just a mind picture, to a full on reality.....that is the million dollar question.

Annette

Grateful day 12, 13, and 14...

2011-11-26T10:07:00.000-08:00

Grateful day 12: I am grateful that the doors of Alanon are open every single day in my small community. I always have somewhere to go to find serenity and to not be alone in this journey. I also have multiple phone lists that I carry in my wallet. Support is always just a text or phone call away.

Grateful day 13: I am grateful that I have learned how to not live under the aspiration of perfection. This Thanksgiving there was the 4 of us...for the record, I would much prefer a houseful of my kids, all aglow with spiritual and physical health, and their partners....but this year it was the 4 of us. I only cooked the food we really liked and not the stuff we are "supposed" to have. We did a big cleaning of Lu's play room and donated *bags* and *boxes* of toys she has outgrown....like the play dishes and the little wooden doll high chair. (Sob) It was embarrassing to see how indulged my little angel is. Thankfully she doesn't act like an over indulged (brat) precious baby girl.

the view outside my front door

Grateful day 14: I am thankful for a beautiful day...the sky is so blue, really, its amazing and the air is crisp and we are going to get our Christmas tree today. D is still on call and can't leave, but my girls and I have done it before...climb up the hill, pick our tree, cut it down and drag it down the hill. My glitch in my independence is tying it to the top of the car.....I don't know any truckers knots. But I manage to get it home. Then hot chocolate for the drive back.

Have a good one everybody.
Love to you all.....
Annette

Grateful day 11 and Prov 3:5

2011-11-23T17:46:00.000-08:00

Trust in the LORD with all your heart And do not lean on your own understanding.

I am hanging onto this tonight. I don't know the future, I don't understand what it will take for my girl to claim and cultivate sobriety for yourself. I don't know all of the details of her life away from home. I simply do not know all that I think I wish I knew. All I can do is live in the moment, the here and now.

Tonight, Molly and I are going to a meeting, then to see the Twilight movie. I am not a big Twilight fan....but its something to do that will be distracting. Tomorrow maybe we will go get our tree, maybe we will just clear the spot for the tree, we will go for a walk if its not raining, I will cook a turkey, we will make pumpkin pies, and chocolate mint truffles.

Day 11: I am grateful for the vast provision my family and I are blessed with. We always have more than enough food in our house, we are warm, we live in a cozy, homey, "cabin" in the woods, we have an abundance of blessings to be grateful for. We have had times of not enough, and we have had times of plenty and we know that we are ok in our spirits with either.

Happy Thanksgiving to all! You are all in my thoughts and prayers over the holiday weekend.
Annette

Grateful day 9 and 10

2011-11-22T23:59:00.000-08:00

#9. I am so incredibly grateful for my Higher Power. He met me where I was at when I was most broken and had no hope and He wrapped me in His arms and said, "Come with me. You won't be alone ever again. We will walk together and I won't leave you." My life has never been the same.

#10 I am grateful for my sponsor...a gentle and kind woman who never tells me what to do, even when I want her to, but who loves me, and asks all the right questions. Tonight she listened and nodded and affirmed the difficult choices we have been making. "You are on the right track...keep at it, keep listening."

One time during a particularly difficult time, she met me at a meeting and brought a delicious, beautiful, lunch that she had put together for us to share afterward. I felt so loved and nurtured.....not common feelings for me.

I am blessed in so many ways. My heart is heavy, it just is....the holidays are tough. But my life has many blessings within its circle.

I am praying for all of us.....
Annette

Grateful day 8 and I'm up!

2011-11-20T09:23:00.000-08:00

I am grateful for my sweet little Lu, who is still shocked at bad words, understands the concepts of someone bound by addiction but knows that it is an awful life, who takes such great joy in her perfectly imperfect family, believes the best about all of us, who told me the other day about a little friend of her's who is "changing." "She has been hanging around a girl who isn't nice....you know how it is mom, if you hang around people who make bad choices then you begin to act like them." Such simple wisdom.

I obviously did not take to my bed. I did some of my chores, went for a walk, I took a nap, we had left-overs for dinner, Lu and I went on a rock hunt and then came back home with all of our treasures and painted rocks into ladybugs, butterflies, and a big owl.

Today is a new day...I am feeling stronger in my decisions. Lu and I are volunteering 4 hours every Sunday at our "Community Resource Center" holiday store. The CRC helps the homeless in our community. They have established a nomadic 7 night a week shelter....a different church opens their doors each night of the week so that all 7 nights are covered. They are working on educating the community on mental illness....we have had two situations in the past 2-3 years that I can think of off the top of my head where a mentally ill person got in trouble with the law and was shot to death by law enforcement. In our small community of 9,000 and that is 2 too many imo.

I feel like I am plodding along, but I am doing the next right thing that is front of me. The necessities. I am not doing a huge Thanksgiving feast....D is on call so has to be within 5 minutes of internet connection so we can't go anywhere really. We will stay home, have a simple dinner, watch movies, play games, take the dogs out for a walk if the weather permits, just a calm day at home.

I am praying for all of our precious kids....Barbara, Lou and Anna's are at the top of my list this morning with my own girl.

Annette

grateful day 7 and other self indulgent stuff....

2011-11-19T08:28:00.000-08:00

I am grateful that God holds me in His hands even when I try to fling myself from His grasp and do things on my own.

You know, I think I feel a depression coming on. I am so strong willed that I just push my way through it, I keep going.....but this time I thought, "what if I didn't push through it? What if I gave in to it?" What if I just stayed in bed. Said I was too sick to go to work, too sick to clean or cook, too sick to bathe or dress.

I am so tired of doing this and all that goes along with it.

I have work to do today so I need to get going....I haven't decided if I am going to take to my bed yet or not. Maybe later.Maybe once I go for my walk with Molly, the laundry is done, the house is clean and I have dinner going for tonight...maybe then.

Annette

Grateful day 6...

2011-11-18T21:38:00.000-08:00

I can breathe in and out and put one foot in front of the other when the going gets tough. Thats better than nothing.

Grateful day 3, 4, and 5....

2011-11-17T23:20:00.000-08:00

grateful day 3: I am grateful for my job, where I get to make a difference, no matter how small, without any college education. Sometimes when I am working with a family to help their loved one pass on and I can bring comfort and some security and peace to the situation, I think..."Who would have ever thought that I, a virtual no body, would get to be a part of such a precious and private time in various families lives? Such a tremendous privilege."

grateful day 4: Lu goes to an awesome school....lots of options for what fits individual kids and she is happy there and has choices. It is a wonderful living, breathing, exciting place to be.

grateful day 5: That Molly is making her way forward, making good healthy choices, including her dad and I through conversation and asking our opinion, considering our words and then proceeding on, taking responsibility for her choices and actions. She is creating a path for herself and traveling it at her own pace on her own terms. Sometimes after I talk with her for awhile I wonder, "How did you get so healthy?!"

A Shift of Paradigm

2011-11-17T22:38:00.000-08:00

I met with H and imo it was not a good visit. She was not in a good place and it confirmed to me that we can not live together. However, for some reason, I had a lightbulb moment, a spiritual awakening, whatever you want to call it.

Some how, I seemed to feel an internal shift from a place of letting go, detaching with love, living in a place of tough love, taking strong stands, and having those simply be rote learned responses.....to understanding deep within my being, that she truly does have the choice and the right to live the life she wants to live. I can let go and let her live according to her conscience with out interfering. Just because I do not agree with her life choices does not mean I will not love her or that I am rejecting her. Just because us living together doesn't work, doesn't mean I will never see her. I do not have to create a thick stone wall of black and white, this or that, ultimatums, between us to be able to detach from her. I can accept that her lifestyle does not fit with ours and while yes, that makes me sad, we can have a relationship today based on the parts that do work. That may not always be the case, but today I am open to what is available between us.

The only way I can explain the effect this notion had on me was ....you know when you are a passenger in a car and you are feeling nervous and out of control (anyone who has taught a teenager how to drive knows what I am talking about) and you keep mashing your foot down into the floor pressing your imaginary brake? Your whole body is tense and you are holding on, pushing your foot through the floor, trying to control what you have no control over. Well all of that tension seemed to just fall off of my shoulders when the idea that H is free to live her life according to her own standards and wants and desires, even if I don't agree with them, occurred to me. Of course I have thought about this before, but it was just an idea, just something I read about, or heard about and was supposed to apply to my life....but this was something different. This was something real, a shift in my spirit.

I could talk to her about not being able to come home, without being harsh or strident. I could explain to her that she knows it doesn't work for any of us. Including her....and let it go. I didn't have to prove a point, or try to manipulate her with that information, hoping to use it as a tool to change her behavior.

I could share with her that I see a beautiful person, not just on the outside, but on the inside and someday when she does decide she has had enough, she will be able to extend a hand to others, because she will know what it feels like to have been in a really dark place. She will know what it feels like to have walked into the light after spending a long long time being lost. I have seen her do it before and it is a beautiful thing to see her spirit shine through, and I do pray that we see it again someday.

I heard a mom share one day about her son who is chronic substance abuser for many years now and lives in a halfway house and would by all appearances at first glance be assumed as a homeless man. The mom told a story of how she goes to visit him in the big city that he lives in and she said she walks with her head held high with him by her side, because he is her son. The boy God gave her. She said, "I am fully aware of what he looks like on the outside, but that young man has caused more growth in me, and taught me more about God's love than any other single thing in my life." She has learned to love him unconditionally. Clean or sober, he is her son and she loves him. That doesn't mean he can move home, or that she will hand over endless cash, but she can hug him when she sees him, and accept him for who he is.

So today, I choose to accept my girl where she is, to love her freely and boldly, but to live within my set of boundaries that keep my home a sanctuary for the rest of us.

Annette

High IQ and drug use.....

2011-11-15T09:14:00.000-08:00

Well this explains everything!! ;o)

My hubby sent me this article from CNN and they try to guess why especially smart kids would be more inclined to use drugs...the closest they come in my very unprofessional opinion is that the kids feel different. In my experience what I have seen is that really smart people are also sometimes really sensitive people...this world and breaking into it to become a successful adult, is a daunting prospect. I think feeling different, not being able to cope with people who are indifferent when you are feeling everything so deeply, is tough. So they numb themselves.

I know we all think our kids are brilliant and beautiful and talented....but mine really are! lol

Seriously though H was a straight A student, an award winning athlete, popular with her peers.....but she wasn't comfortable in any of those roles. As a young child I can remember her not feeling comfortable in her own skin.

To this day she is excellent at looking at a situation and finding a very real solution. Mechanically minded, able to fix things that I throw my hands up at and say, "lets buy a new one!" We had a car in the family for years that the cigarette lighter didn't work. For us non-smokers that meant we couldn't use our car chargers to charge our cell phones....we gave that car to H and within the first week she had fixed the lighter.

Maybe, just maybe, all of our beautiful, amazing, addicted kids...are all geniuses in hiding, for whatever thats worth.
Annette

grateful day 2

2011-11-14T09:06:00.000-08:00

I am grateful today that God doesn't give up on us or our kids. He is long suffering and merciful and even when we think we have reached the ends of our patience, our own abilities, our resources...those are the times when God steps in and offers a new way. A path that we have yet to see.

cooking up a storm

2011-11-13T12:09:00.000-08:00

Today I am spending the entire day at home. I LOVE days at home. I've got a pot roast simmering on the stove top, rosemary and garlic bread dough rising to bake later today so we will have warm bread with dinner, and I will make a batch of juice for us to have for the next few mornings.

I got the bread recipe from "Dragon's Woman's Kitchen" aka Akannie at Elegant Blessings . It is something.....simple, and delicious.

As to my juicing....juicing is a "pain in the butt." However, we have come up with a system. One of us (Molly, D, Lu or I) will make a batch that lasts for a few mornings. That is probably not the best juicing method, but I think its better than not juicing at all, so its good enough for us. We are liking it.... our favorite is a mixture of kale, spinach, apples, carrots, and celery. I have been walking a lot of 5 mile stints at a time....my jeans are getting looser, but I'm not losing weight. I just want to be healthy. I don't care about being skinny anymore. I just want to be able to move with ease, and not be out of breath. I thank God everyday that we live in a 3 level house so I spend my days running up and down stairs....exercise by default. I don't know how we will ever sell the place though! Its not a good house for babies, and its not a good house for the elderly and its high maintenance property. For today though, it meets our needs.

I decided this morning to do a month of gratitude.....the first thing that came to mind today was that I am grateful that I am not alone in the this world.

God thank you for believing in me until I could find my way to finally trust and believe in you.

Annette

Continuing on........

2011-11-12T22:03:00.000-08:00

Life keeps rolling along.

Yesterday the fam and I went to a giant amusement park. We had bought the tickets a couple months before for "homeschooler day." Out of the whole 10 day forecast yesterday was rainy. We bundled up and went anyway. We practically had the entire park to ourselves. The ride operators let the kids stay on the rides without getting back in line, because there was no one waiting. We all had so much fun.

I spent the day very aware though that we were missing someone. There was a hole. We had a ticket for H, but D came instead.

She texted me today letting me know she is still thinking about her future and that she would like to come back to pack up her bedroom so that her things don't end up just piled into boxes. How she could choose this is beyond me. I have wondered if she is feeling rejected by us. I have said over and over that she is a part of us, that we are always for her, but that we can't allow drug use. Then I think, "Well heck, I kind of feel rejected." She is turning down everything we have to offer....all to do it her own way.

Molly is home and we have had some really good talks about so many topics. I never laugh as much or as hard as when she is around. She is taking the steps to get back to her original plan of running track at a JC about 50 miles away. She has called and spoken with everyone she needs to, made arrangements with an old coach to train with for awhile in preparation for possibly bringing it all together for this upcoming season. The coaches welcomed her back with great enthusiasm. The thing that really struck me was that she wanted this and she made it happen. I did nothing. She didn't need my guidance or help. If she did, she would ask or run ideas past me....but she was independently pursuing what she wanted. She got a job that she starts tomorrow as a dog bather for a big pet store. My eyes are glazed over at the thought of the 40% employee discount she will be receiving.

I have a new Hospice family to work with. They are so in need and their resources are very limited...a good challenge to focus on for awhile. I "took a leave" from the family I was struggling with.

Bless all of you. You all are in my prayers, always.
Annette

Did you all know that.....

2011-11-05T13:59:00.000-07:00

Kettle Brand Backyard Barbecue potato chips can soothe a lot of what ails us?

Lots of thoughts have gone through my mind this week. Pos. drug test Wed night, we made our ultimatums, which let me remind all of you Alanonics, that its says right in our conference approved literature not to give ultimatums. That has thrown me into a heap of confusion. How do I set boundaries with consequences without it coming out as an ultimatum? These are your choices....blah blah blah or you have 2 weeks to make other living arrangements. Isn't that an ultimatum?

I have thought this week how mothering was my career, my passion. I loved everything about it, I believe that every baby deserves to be celebrated, every little human deserves to be cherished and loved fully. That does not mean that I did a perfect job. I yelled and got frustrated plenty.....but I loved and cherished even more. My girl doesn't want what I have to offer. During good times she has told me, "Mom you were born to be a mother. Even when you finally went on to work you created a job for yourself mothering people, just on the other end of life." But now during a bad time, she rejects my offers of hope, my offers of healing, of choices laid before her to facilitate these things I want to see take place in her life. What I offer is not what she wants. She tells me I am "power-tripping" and a "control freak".....but its my house. My home.

Just pray for us. I am ok, just sad. No matter how much Alanon one has under their belt, a mother is a mother is a mother.....and she wants nothing more than to take her child on to her lap and hold them, and smooth back their hair and whisper into their ear what an unmistakable miraculous gift they are...and have that soothe what ails them.

I keep hearing God's voice in my heart....."I am bigger than you are." So where I fail, He is faithful.
Annette

My Hippie Girl.....

2011-11-01T08:39:00.000-07:00

My sweet girl....she told me she couldn't wear her suede fleece lined boots with her costume because "Hippies don't like to hurt animals, mom." A future PETA activist. ;o)

Catching up and another hike....

2011-10-31T08:19:00.000-07:00

Good morning All! I just read several blogs and was blessed to hear of what is going on in your lives...relaxing mornings with a loved one, an adult child following through on his commitments, a precious daughter getting better in the hospital after a very serious and scary episode, a big race completed, a wife loving her husband through thick and thin....people loving other people. Love love love it!

My H has been gone for 5 days. I reminded her when she left she will be tested when she returns. The choice is her's to live here or not. She knows the requirements.

D and I went on a fabulous hike with some very dear friends yesterday. It was beautiful and strenuous at points. It felt good. The scenery was beautiful, the friendships are so sweet.

The view above Wrights Lake

I am off this morning to go with Molly to get a drug test for a job she got as dog bather for a big pet store. How nice to not worry what that drug test will show.

My little Lu is going to be a hippie for Halloween....so we are going to do some thrift store shopping for a leather vest with fringe. We are a little late in the game....so we will see how successful we are.

Many blessings to all! I am always praying for all of you.
Annette

Remember.....

2011-10-26T21:22:00.000-07:00

Today was a much better day. We celebrated H's 23rd birthday. I made the dinner of her choice....meat loaf with mashed potatoes and salad and an apple crisp for dessert.

Molly, Lu and I went on a 5 mile walk/run/bike ride....we all did what made us happy. I give you one guess who the walker was.

My brand spanking new juicer arrived (its absolutely beautiful) so we made up a batch of kale, apple, carrot, and celery juice...over ice. It was really good. Lu didn't like it but she used frozen strawberries and peaches and made sorbet.

I've decided to drop Wed. with my client that rubs me the wrong way....I will still be there 2x a week 4 hours each time, but dropping Wednesdays gives me an entire day off in the middle of the week. That opens up a lot of possibilities for me....schooling Lu with no pressure of time constraints, D and I can make it to the parent Alanon meeting so that he can see that there are many dads walking the same path as he is. I can meet friends to walk on Wednesdays if want to. Its just another day to be home and bake and do the things I love to do.

H had a relatively clean drug test today. The chemicals are leaving her body. THC takes awhile, but everything else was clean. Progress. We have set out some new boundaries that her dad and I feel are important to our conscience being clean in regards to our input into her life. I talked to her alone today and made an amends for something that had been weighing on my mind. She is always gracious and forgiving.

My daily reader today reminded me that there are times we lose our bearings and we feel lost. Times that we question what we are doing....but even during those times, God still has a plan. He is still working. I have to believe that even if I am floundering in my journey right now, God is big enough to work around me and get to my girl if that is what she is wanting in her life. He is big enough to handle my fear and my willfulness in His perfect loving way and direct my steps to be exactly where He thinks I need to be. I don't see that I am much of an impervious obstacle in God carrying out His will in my family. I am willing, so willing....show me the way Father, and I will follow. Give me the courage.

Bless you all and your precious kids....I am praying.
Annette

A really hard day.....

2011-10-26T01:39:00.000-07:00

Today has been a really hard day. For many reasons.

I have a new client and the wife is relatively young. Older than me by maybe 10 years, but still only middle aged. She treats me like the hired help. Of course technically, I *am* the hired help, but you can imagine the difference I would assume.

This woman has 3 adult children who are all doing fine. Through various conversations it has come out that she thinks she did this. She taught them this and taught them that. She devoted years to raising them and they ate fancy dinners at the formal dining room table. Often.

Last week I was telling her about a hairdresser in town who charges "whatever you can afford" and helps those in need everyday. She has provided jobs, bought a trailer for a homeless man so he is
out of the snow in the winter. In turn he maintains the grounds of her beauty shop. To me, this is the most beautiful story and I want everyone to go to her to get their hair done! My client said something like, "Ohhh well do those homeless people want to be helped? Because sometimes they like their life just the way it is." This spoken as she sat on the veranda on her enormous cushioned outdoor wicker furniture sipping her iced tea from a tall slender glass.

I want to quit, but I never feel free to walk away from a situation until I have worked through it. I have to come to some kind of resolution about my own angst over this woman, before I can leave in peace.

Today has been a bad day for H. Really bad. We have had to make more restrictions... D wants her to at least get to try the new plan. He wants to do it with her, show her that it is healthy and she isn't alone, we all are doing it. It reminds me of trying to get a baby to eat their mashed peas. You take a nibble and smile and say, "Mmmmm, see they are good."

I am confused and don't remember what is right. My head says make her go, my heart says "give her a couple more days, lets see where this goes."

And I miss my mom!
Annette

PS: As a sidenote....my brother got into a program and has been texting me. He sounds really good. I mailed him my favorite Joe McQ book....The Steps We Take.

And Tori...I am reading The Mood Cure by Julia Ross. Lots of good information about nutrition and addiction specifically.

Healthy Living.....

2011-10-24T13:31:00.000-07:00

We met with the "nutritionist." I don't really know what to call her.....she is actually an old friend who has worked for many years in a health food store and has her masters in "healthy living."

It was rough getting there, attitudes, exhaustion, not feeling well.....but we pushed on. When we got there the thing that struck me was the peaceful environment.....we sat outside on her patio in the country. I asked if she was going to meet with each girl individually and she said, "No, I thought we would work through this all together." So H, Molly and I all sat down with her. Everyone was honest and she was compassionate, direct, and didn't judge. Such precious attributes when you are baring your soul.

We went home with a list of amino acid supplements, direction for H to get out and walk everyday even if its just up and down the driveway, detox our systems with detox tea for 14 days, and to buy a juicer and begin to juice at least once a day as a daily detox.

So we will give it a shot. H seems as motivated as I have seen her...she invited me to take the dogs and go for a walk with her today. We set a reasonable time and we did it. We drove to the top of our 1/4 mile very steep hill and started from there. We walked about 15 minutes and we talked about dogs and breed stereotypes. A neutral topic, something we are both interested in. When we got home, I made a big omelet breakfast for all.

Lu and I have been doing school all morning....I read her social studies aloud to her while she jumped on the trampoline, then we headed inside to make "johnny cake" just like the Puritans.

Today is a good day. I don't know what tomorrow will hold, but as for today, at this moment, we are good.

Thank you for all of your very kind comments. We all have been here before huh, and we can only do the best we know how to do at any given moment. Thank you for understanding that and sharing compassion with me.
Annette

Such Loss

2011-10-19T08:58:00.000-07:00

Some dear friends of ours, for the last 22 years, lost their son-in-law in a car accident last week. Their precious daughter is pregnant with the couple's first baby, due the first week of November. Both young people were college graduates, professionals, had bought their first house, were on their way building their life together. Such unbelievable tragedy. It makes me want to shake H and tell her to quit wasting time!

As to H, I have to do what I have to do. We have made her leave many many times. We have relinquished her into God's hands so many times, and we will again if need be. I tested her recently and her test was + for almost everything imaginable. I have given her 10 days to clean up and have it verified by a fresh drug test. If not, then she has to leave. This time she has no where to go. A loving blogger friend told me to have the name of a shelter handy, I will.

I also have an appointment set up this Saturday with a nutritional practitioner who will meet with her and talk about detoxing her system and what supplements her body is needing to be healthy. I know....if I read another mom in the same situation writing all of this, I would be thinking the same thing! Co-dependent big fat relapse, enabler, that kid is stringing that mom along, manipulating the family....and that all may be true. But I have to give it one more try I guess. I have to try to play God one more time. Maybe I am making everything worst, getting in the way, etc. etc. but I have to be able to live with myself too. I just have to. So here we are again.

Annette

Step one, surrender, etc

2011-10-18T08:32:00.000-07:00

Well my Molly is home. H is out of control and step one keeps running through my mind. I am powerless over other people (in my case) and my life has become unmanageable.

I read yesterday about surrender and how its not something that we can't *will* to happen. It is something we experience. Okkkk....I'm waiting. I'm ready.....again. I've got my white flag waving over my head. Uncle! I give up!

Annette

God is with me

2011-10-15T14:04:00.000-07:00

Thank you for all of the comments on my last post...although, I really did not expect everyone to tell me what a great mom I am. I was really just having a minute of feeling really overwhelmed by all 4 kids. Some are doing fine, some are struggling. When you are the mom though, its all in our heart. I can't help it. Its just how I roll...I do care about all of their stuff, their lives, their choices, their happiness, financial stability, etc. That doesn't mean I can control all of those things of course, but I do care.

So it looks like there will be no rehab for H. At least not through our HMO. The meeting did not go well. H was polite and honest however the person we met with had her way of doing things, which was very typical to any rehab facility. Especially a gigantic HMO. She was tough, jammed H up on a few things, told her she needed residential treatment or at the very least the 7 day a week outpatient program,and H would have none of it.

The things that went through my mind were....H was willing to do this. Why couldn't this woman have let that be enough to get her in the door and work with her from that point on? Why couldn't she have pushed her once a relationship was established?

Then I went through thinking that H isn't ready yet....to do *whatever it takes* to get clean and sober and stay that way. She still wants it to be on her terms, in her way, with what she is comfortable with.

After H left the room the woman had some firm words for me also. I am enabling her by giving her a roof over her head and she would strongly support me in making her leave again. She used a lot of sarcasm that I didn't get at first, but when I did it was a red flag to me.

H said she would rather go back to a rehab "with ex-junkies as her counselors then that smug woman with her big college education and nothing else." Of course we don't know that that is the case.

So when I finally was getting on with my day I was thinking, "Well now what?" Do we make her leave? Do we come up with a list of expectations and rules? Do we tell her we have no expectations other than she do what she knows is right in our home? And I wanted it solved that instant. I wanted to know what to do next immediately.

Then I read yesterdays reading in The Language of Letting Go. I won't write out the whole thing, but a few lines that were so comforting and got me through the rest of my day with some serenity were these......

"We can trust that when things don't work out the way we want, God has something better planned."

"We can trust that all we need on this journey shall come to us. We will not get all we need for the entire journey today. We shall receive today's supplies today, and tomorrow's supplies tomorrow. We were never intended to carry supplies for the entire journey. The burden would be too heavy, and the way was intended to be light."

"The way will become clear and the supplies will be amply and clearly provided, one day at a time."

From The Language of Letting Go pg. 299 and 300 if anyone wants to read the entire reading.

I went on to work, I met with a sponsee feeling very humbled that even in my place of not having it all together, I still get to meet with a fellow traveler and share our journeys, the good and the bad. I met with a new person after the meeting and we talked for 3 hours. She was so filled with gratitude to not be alone. Her heart is broken, she feels so much shame, and she said the most beautiful thing she has ever seen was walking into an Alanon meeting and there being no judgement, just unconditional love and knowing that she isn't alone anymore.

Over all it was a really good day. God walked with me everywhere I went and let me know He was close. I was not alone. I don't have to decide anything today, at this moment. The answers will be revealed and I will have the courage to carry out whatever I need to at that point.

Annette

What kind of job have I done?

2011-10-14T08:46:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a day of feeling like a parental failure. I have one child heading off to outpatient rehab *if* she shows up to the appointment. She did ask me to please be there at the appointment with her and to come in with her, not wait in the waiting room. Maybe that counts for something. I don't know anymore.

One kid is miserable living away from home and going to school and is high-tailing it back home to her mama....mid-semester because she just can't take it all anymore.

One passed his A+ certification yesterday.....some computer thingy, and has big plans to move to another state by December.....if he can find a job.

And my little Lu seems to be happy and fine training her dog Maizy to roll over and lay down, does her school work without complaint, is fascinated by autistic people now, but leans toward perfectionism which concerns me.

I think its clear we simply had way too many children. We weren't equipped for all of this.
Annette

Temple Grandin

2011-10-10T15:54:00.000-07:00

Little Lu and I watched a movie last night about Temple Grandin.

Oh my gosh, it was so good. I loved learning about the way her brain worked, and her empathy for animals, how she could *see* how life was affecting them.

As I watched her mom advocating for her and feeling her pain as Temple faced being ostracized and misunderstood by so many in her earlier years...I could relate to that mom's agony. It is true that *all* parents face a painful journey as their kids, whatever their issues, work their way through their own personal obstacles to reach adulthood and find out who exactly they are. I have gone through it with Molly with all of her learning stuff, and H of course with her issues. Loving hurts. It is also filled with joy as you see your kids overcome and experience their own successes.

Lu and I had a really good conversation about the differences in people and that there is nothing "wrong" with people who do things differently or act differently.....they are just their own unique individual self and THAT is a beautiful thing.

Anyway....a great movie for anyone interested. If you click on her name in this post, I linked you to Amazon...you can purchase or rent there.
Annette

Happiness based on imagination....

2011-10-08T19:52:00.000-07:00

Last week H and I drove down to the rehab and went to the walk in clinic. She told me all the way down that she wasn't going. There was no way she was doing this again. She has already gone 3x before and it didn't work. I was quiet and let her vent and roar. When we got there she spoke to a couple people who gave her information about what is offered. One intensive outpatient program and one "lite" outpatient program. By the time we left to head for home she was talking about the "lite" program and that maybe that would be ok. It is 30 miles from home vs the intensive program which is 60 miles one way.

As I listened to her think out loud, I thought how the lite program would be a good beginning. Its something. She NEEDS the intensive program but if she will only commit to the other, than ok, I guess that is what we will go with. I did tell her she needs to make the arrangements soon, by early next week.

For a minute on the drive home, I was SO happy. I let myself think about my hopes for her. "What if she really did get clean and sober?" I thought about Molly who is probably coming home at the end of this semester to go to school here, and I thought of both of the sisters going to school together. H had said she could help Molly with her math because that is a constant struggle for her. I thought of the girls working together on homework, both having jobs, carpooling....I really let myself dream for a few minutes. And it made me so happy.

I know that my happiness can not be dependent on how well someone else is doing or not doing....but for that few minutes, it felt so nice.

I have been praying that God will wrap H in His arms and lead her right to where she needs to be. That He will totally take over and nudge me out of the way if He has to. I will listen!

H had something happen this week that was a huge door closing for her. I felt like it was such a God thing. She is running out of options. She is running out of people to fall back on. That is scary and exciting at the same time.

I like what my blogger friend VJ said in his most recent post... "I then asked God to make us
the family He wanted us to be, instead of the family I wanted us to be. Letting go of that unrealistic dream and allowing God to be in charge freed me from my sense of responsibility for the
success or failure of my family."

I am so grateful that God has a plan and that even when I get all twisted up and lose my way, when I am reminded of that thought, it brings me immense comfort.

Annette

Progress

2011-10-03T22:02:00.000-07:00

We have come up with a plan that feels right to us. It is hard to take a hard line with one of your kids, but we feel we have no choice. We have done this before....but then circumstances change and we let her back in, thinking "maybe this time..."

I was thinking today how there are really very few hard definitive lines drawn in this disease. They are never always the same...because circumstances can affect our decision making abilities. A baby being involved, a mental illness, a physical illness, remorse, guilt, regret. We all just have to do what we can live with. I have a strong foundation in my recovery I would say, but I still get jostled around on my timbers given the right circumstances. I don't know if that will ever change. I seem to go along doing fine, and then something changes, and I open up and begin to hope, and invest my emotions, which leads to me having expectations, and trying to affect the direction that we all are going in.....and then there I am, right smack in the middle of something I don't belong in.

I seem to always end up circling around the same issue....."what is my part?" Nothing? That could very well be.....because the bottom line is that if H wants recovery she will need to get recovery. In what ever manner that works for her, in whatever form....her recovery or lack there of is not my business! I say that...but in my heart I want recovery for her so very much.

When H is in a good place, I like her. I love her always of course, but I like her personality. She is real, humble, filled with common sense, practical, quietly goes about her business. I tend to be loud and filled with drama....not her. She is poised and calm has a dry sense of humor that is hilarious. A problem solver. I love being with her. I was thinking today about winter at home.....she loves rainy weather as do I. Winter at home is cozy and nice, fires in the stove, cooking soup and bread for dinners, watching movies together snuggled up on the couch, reading good books....I was so looking forward to having her around this winter. The choice is hers.

One of my clients says each week as I leave to go home: "You keep praying for us and we will keep praying for you!" I am praying for all of you, please keep praying for my girl.
Annette

Some thoughts.....

2011-10-02T19:32:00.000-07:00

Things are not good here. She is digging her heels in and saying "no" after saying "yes." She has already been 3x and "it didn't work!" No matter what the physical cost to her, she says she is not willing to go. Heavy sigh.

I ran into a friend who lost her husband in a motorcycle accident during the time my mom was dying. I hadn't contacted her at all yet....She had a beautiful marriage. They had a wonderful life together....truly in love with each other and their boys and the life they had created together. We saw each other and I hugged her and started crying! I feel like such an idiot! The loss of her husband was truly a tragedy that broke my heart for her and their sons, but I could tell she wanted none of my emotion. She probably carries around plenty of her own and has it bubbling just under the surface. One sympathetic tear from me could set off a tidal wave in her. So we hugged, talked about our kids and she hurried away after a minute or two. Ugh.

My older brother wanted to take down my mom's facebook page and asked me what I thought. I said, "not yet." I go there sometimes and read back through her messages to her friends and read her words. I miss her a lot tonight. I was thinking of how I was so reserved with her. We had a lot of baggage, she and I. I wish now that I hugged her everyday and told her I loved her more. I think of the healing that could have brought to both of our broken souls. All of my "adult child issues" that I carried around for so long seem like nothing now. Absolutely meaningless.

I was thinking back to a paper Molly wrote during her senior year. Her topic was "If I could create a rehab...." lol Bless her heart.

She spoke of beautiful rooms, with soothing colors painted on the walls, nice fabrics on the furniture and beds, "a place that spoke to the worth of its inhabitants." She said there would be daily exercise, a healthy menu with healthy snacks always available. The doors would be open to any woman requesting help. Money would not be an issue, no one would be turned away. Most importantly there would be tables and shelves with good quality art supplies and papers, yarns and knitting and crochet needles, fabrics and sewing machines, musical instruments with the availability of teachers, gardens to work in and harvest food for the women, there would be other adults available around the clock to instruct, guide, and help as needed or requested. She wanted these young women, her sister, to know their worth. No shabby second hand couch set on top of ratty 1970's avocado green carpet. No twin beds lined up with mismatching bedspreads and ugly tan apartment drapes on the windows. They would have sheet "sets." lol Which I have to say she gets from me! I would get so mad when anyone would break up our sheet sets and grab a pillow case and use it with a different set. As a little girl we had mismatched sheets from God knows where... so buying sheet sets was a big deal to me when I became an adult and moved out on my own. Even as a single young woman, I made sure my bed always matched!

Molly's ideas sounded like a rehab Utopia/Montessori school to me....I wish she had the power to make her dreams come true! What a healing place she envisioned.

Blessings to All....
Annette

Homemade toothpaste etc.....

2011-10-02T09:48:00.000-07:00

There are so many recipes out there for things that we use everyday. Laundry soap, deodorant, household cleaners.

The recipe for the toothpaste is as follows:

2tbls coconut oil (refined is good but virgin is better)
3 tbls baking soda
1/2 small pkt of stevia
20-25 drops of peppermint essential oil (not extract)
2 ts hydrogen peroxide.

Mix it all together and put it into a small plastic container with a lid. Dip your toothbrush to use. Some people talked about recycling toothpaste tubes and putting it into the tube. Crazy! Other people used a hand soap dispenser and if I had an extra one laying around I might have tried that. I think everyone in the family should have their own little plastic container... to avoid spreading colds and germs.

I do wonder about bad breath! But I guess after we brush we can use mouthwash. I will have to find a recipe for that or else it defeats the whole purpose!

One of my clients used to own a glass shop. He spilled a cup of milk and his wife handed me this mixture in a spray bottle and told me that it would take care of the stickiness. She had a mop with a terry cloth "thing" on the end that she threw into her laundry when needed. It worked great! Milk is hard to get cleaned up without a sticky residue.

The mixture was:
4 parts water
1 part rubbing alcohol

I bought my own terry cloth mop thingy and I use this spray on my laminate and wood floors and it is great. No stickiness, fast, and alcohol kills germs. I also use it on glass and the stove top...a great degreaser.

Thats all for today...I think I might try laundry soap next. Or mouth wash. :o)

Annette

Today

2011-10-01T11:13:00.000-07:00

Well you can see since I am posting here that we are not at the walk in clinic getting information. Maybe another day. I will keep praying.

What I am doing today though is hanging all of my newly re-framed family pictures in my newly painted hallway. D helped me to put the wall decal thingy up that says, "Family; like branches on a tree we all grow in different directions, but our roots remain as one."

I am also going to make homemade toothpaste today. Of all the crazy things! However, one of my clients was really into health food and organic this and that. The daughter gave me the recipe and she said she used to have bleeding gums but no more. When she goes in to get her teeth cleaned the hygienist always comments on how clean her teeth are.

Catch up on laundry, clean the carpets on the stairs....I hate that job, but its a necessary evil for my state of mind to be filled with serenity, I'm making chicken pot pie for dinner tonight, and organizing and bringing order to what I can in my life.

I am so busy during the week its hard to keep up with everything. We just gave away our chickens because we just don't have time to go out there and tend to them everyday. Another client gives me an 18 pack of her chickens eggs every week anyway....so I will still have fresh eggs without the work. So I am trying to simplify. A wise friend told me to get rid of "stuff." Less stuff means less work, less maintenance. So I am looking around and thinking about what can go.

Love to all my blogger buddies. I am really ok. I am getting back into my own zone and letting H figure out what she wants to do. I admit, I had a little co-dependent clusterf**k of thinking there for a minute. She isn't here so that makes it easier for me to mind my own business. If and when she does get here, we will work out the details and requirements of what it will take for her to be able to stay here.

Just pray for my beautiful girl. She truly is so worth saving. I wish she could see that as clearly as I do. With all of my heart.

Annette

Ok ok ok

2011-09-29T20:46:00.000-07:00

We are pushing for treatment. She has to make the call. I am wobbling inside my hula hoop but I'm still in my own hula hooping zone. :o/ For the next hour until I go to bed. Then I will begin again in the morning.
Annette

healthy brain food...

2011-09-28T22:32:00.000-07:00

I went to a parent meeting tonight with my sponsor. Lots of growth shared there tonight. Until the newcomer shared.... a dad who shared how very afraid he is. It broke my heart. This big man fighting back the tears and speaking of fear like it has become his constant companion. I gave his wife a phone list and a hug, pointed out my number and told her call anytime day or night and to keep coming back. We all understand where they are tonight.

H has stayed away from home for the past 6 days. We have spoken on the phone and the thing about her is that she doesn't blame anymore. She takes responsibility for where she is at....but she doesn't have the faintest clue what to do about it. Not just the addiction, but the debilitating depression and anxiety. I don't know either...She gave me permission to call the counselor and talk to her. She knows I will tell her all that is going on so maybe the call that she can't manage on her own, she is allowing me to make? I don't know. So many gray areas....for me the depression and anxiety create a gray area. For a friend its the precious grand-baby that creates a gray area. Where does the addicts responsibility begin and my responsibility to help someone who is so sick and can not do for herself, end?

I had a chance conversation with an old acquaintance. I have known this person for more than 20 years but not in a close way. This person had all the appearances of being "perfect." Capable, highly intelligent, able to juggle a dozen plates in the air while standing on one foot, just good at everything.

Eventually through out our chance visit, she began to share her story. Shocking, heartbreaking bouts of depression and anxiety with suicidal episodes. I had no idea! She said she was good at the art of covering up on the outside. She began to share with me what has changed her life...natural remedies, "food that her brain was lacking" 5HTP, Theanine, Tryptophan, GABA, fish oil....she gave me a title of a book....The Mood Cure by Julia Ross. H had a dr. recommend 5HTP to her and she did use it for awhile but then couldn't afford another bottle.

So I ordered the book. Could this help? I don't know. I'm willing to give it a shot though. I told H, "I don't know if I should spoon feed these potions to you and hope that once they kick in you will be able to get up. I don't know how to get ahead of this to give you a boost so you can at least hold your head up for a gulp of fresh air. "

For now I am praying. I am talking to my sponsor. I am going to meetings. I am hanging out with Lu, hiking, cooking, serving in my meetings, serving in my family, serving my work families....my days are full, just one day at a time.

Annette

Blessings

2011-09-24T09:48:00.000-07:00

Bless my blogger friends today. Each and every one of you. I love you guys and pray for your kids just like you do mine.

Thank you for all of the wonderful comments on my last post.
Much love,
Annette

Again

2011-09-23T09:35:00.000-07:00

I am breaking my own rule and am going to talk about H. She is strung out again. She had a dr appointment yesterday with the counselor and she was a mess. I got her inside and I was hoping that the counselor would see her in this state and address it. We got to the counter to register and the girl there said, "Ohhhh all staff is on strike today. Its a 24 hour walk out. Didn't they call you?" H listened to her voicemail and found the message she had never listened to. So hours of time and effort, miles of driving, rearranged work schedules, for nothing.

I find it very interesting that after my post on "powerlessness" I find myself here, again. We are yet again having to make some tough decisions. My drug tests are in the mail on their way here and we will be back to drug testing and enforcing consequences.

As I drove home yesterday from the dr. I thought about the faith that parenting H requires. Its like free-falling into a black pit and believing that there is some unseen goodness there that will gently catch you. I do believe that there is....but when you are standing at the edge looking in, its tough to take that first step. There is always that little niggling voice in the back of my head, "but what if...."

Annette

Step 1: Powerlessness

2011-09-21T11:29:00.000-07:00

From The Steps We Took:

pg. 17 We can become so caught up in a problem that all we can see to do is to try harder - try to get the wrong method to bring the right results by doing it harder! Step 1 tells us we'd better stop and name the problem, and become willing to admit defeat before we rush in to fix things.

pg. 20 We humans are not meant to depend on our individual selves; we are meant to rely on each other. God didn't intend for us to be self-reliant; we are designed, as our principles spell out, to rely on each other. And we are designed to rely on God. We want to be self-propelled, but we can't be. Human beings surely aren't capable of operating without energy from God and from each other.
In Step 1, we give up on being self propelled, self-directed, and self reliant.

pg. 21 Once we give up on a problem-any problem-and realize we are powerless over it, then we can make changes in ourselves. But we can't make any changes in ourselves until we see that we are powerless. This is really the key.

The process of Step 1, then, is twofold: to name the problem and to admit defeat.

pg. 23 We need to recall that God's will never enters where self-will dominates. As long as we insist on having our own will, there is no knowledge or concept of God's will. That's all the admission of powerlessness is. It is a shutting-off of self-will in a particular area.

In my experience we get to choose to embrace our powerlessness and surrender over and over again. Its not a one time deal. We don't choose once to surrender and its done. Situations come up often, daily, that we can make a decision on. We can try to manage and control until we come to the realization that we don't have what we need to remedy whatever situation we have found ourselves in. Or we can skip going through those motions and surrender immediately to our Higher Power's will and allow Him to be in charge and show us where to step next.

I love the last quote. I believe that God is a gentleman. He doesn't barge in, pushing open the door and announcing His presence, telling everyone to scoot over and let Him work. He is a still small voice, a gentle presence, urging us to let go and to trust Him. As we relinquish control He slowly and quietly picks it up. As we acknowledge that we can't, He lets us know that He can.

I have told this story several times in my blog...my first Alanon meeting. I walked in desperate, broken both in spirit and my heart, and feeling hopeless. I had no where else to turn to help save my daughter. I had tried *everything* in my little repertoire of "mom material" and nothing had worked. When I walked into my first meeting and saw this little group of women sitting in a circle, when I heard their words, I knew that God was there. I thought it was so like Him to be there with the brokenhearted. It made me think of the scripture in Matthew that says, "Where two or three are gathered in my name, I am there with them."

When I finally could speak, I shared a little bit of what had brought me there, I sobbed through most of it, but I knew that God was hearing me. I was pulling the covers back on our families imperfections, on the fact that I didn't know what to do anymore, that I was powerless.

That was a turning point for me personally. I was at the end of myself and I knew it. In regards to my daughter that was my moment of surrender. Through the years there have been many other "moments of surrender" that have come up. With each crisis, each decision that needs to be made, I get to choose to micro-manage and try to fix, or to relinquish control and allow my HP to take control and show me step by step what to do.

I still have battles within myself and probably will until my dying day. I still set off trying to figure things out and trying to find answers and then I begin hitting obstacles and realize I am doing it again. Trying to control what is not mine to control. Trying to do God's job for Him.

God doesn't work in my timetable and it can be hard to be patient. Surrender for me has meant acknowledging that our daughter could die in her disease. I pray not, but the reality is that she has to respond and come to her own place of surrender and acknowledging her powerlessness.

It is a daily process of making healthy choices.

Annette

Cruelty

2011-09-19T18:18:00.000-07:00

Today has been a really hard day. Family drama (not related to H) that is so hurtful. So filled with hatred, vindictive anger, shocking, hurtful actions on others parts. I am shocked, hurt, appalled. I explained to D that I work hard at having all of my relationships be clear. I am not used to conflict like this, unresolved anger, not being able to discuss and work through to a place of resolution.

I really don't know what to do. So far on my list and what D and I have discussed is checking our own actions and making an amends if needed. Choosing forgiveness and to let go of our deep deep feelings as soon as we have a chance to work through them, detaching and letting others actions and feelings be their own.

But for today, at this moment, it sucks.
Annette

The Beauty of Family

2011-09-15T20:46:00.000-07:00

I am working for a family right now that is amazing. Not perfect mind you, but kind, respectful, honroing their elderly parents, and everyone is participating at some level. Grand kids and great grand kids are flying in from literally around the world to get to see their grandma one last time. The son is there from out of state and he spends his time cooking for everyone. The other brother is not comfortable with the whole dying process and he stays outdoors working in his massive garden. He brings in the fruits of his labors for all to share....watermelons, tomatoes, zucchinis, a beautiful large bright orange pumpkin set right in view of his mama for her to enjoy.

The family is filled with music. There are people playing one of the two grand pianos off and on through out the day, they sit together and sing to the mama. They brush her long white hair and massage her head, they braid her hair, they spoon chamomile tea into her mouth, they tell stories all around her bedside and laugh and enjoy their memories.

I think of the legacy this little elderly couple has created. The kids have shared stories of their struggles, their poor decisions, mistakes made, but all have one way or another found their way back to the faith that grounded their parents through the years. One daughter said, "My mama just kept loving me. She loved my children, she was always there for them, even raising them for a time."

It is one of the most beautiful families I have ever met.

Today when it was time for me to go, I bent to tell the mama goodbye and I would see her tomorrow night....she looked at me with her crystal blue eyes and her flowing white hair and whispered, "thank you so much." She emanates peace and serenity. She is confident of where she is going and not afraid.

What an honor to get to be a bystander during this time. I am so blessed to be allowed to be a small part of their journey.
Annette

The Steps We Took

2011-09-13T16:07:00.000-07:00

The first time I did my steps I skimmed through this book in conjunction with Paths To Recovery. It ended up being too much information and I really should have chosen one source. I was so excited to be doing my steps though and so much was being revealed to me and pieces to the puzzle of my life seemed to be making more sense than ever before...that I became a HOG! I had to use two books to work my steps, I had to read four daily readers each morning.....least I miss something.

I am about to begin to work my steps for a second time and this time I am going to only use this book. It has a very spiritual message and focuses a lot on our HP. I love that aspect. I have a lifetime to do my steps as many times as I would like to with as many different sources of info as I want to. So I can slow down and pick one and take my time and soak up all that I can from it.

I feel like I have gotten to know my HP in such an intimate way through my own recovery. Through becoming desperate enough to "let go and let God." Years ago, back during "the Jesus Movement" in the 70s....when I was just a very little girl (I really was lol)....I would hear people say, "I LOVE Jesus." I never could really relate. I "served" the Lord more out of fear than anything else. I didn't want to be "left behind" or experience His rejection or wrath.

Through my own brokenness in response to my daughter's addiction and not being able to fix it, I found a God who welcomed me in, who loved me, who has walked with me, who held me together when I felt like I was falling apart, and I can honestly say, I LOVE my HP. I love Jesus, God, my Heavenly Father....whatever anyone prefers to call Him.... but I do. I can't imagine walking this walk without Him.

Annette

Proud moments..

2011-09-11T17:18:00.000-07:00

On Friday we had my mom's little graveside service. It was beautiful. She said she just wanted family there and for someone to say a few words and then for all of us to have lunch together. So we did. We kept it simple and I had her old pastor come and share, I splurged and hired a bagpipe player who played Amazing Grace at the end of the service which was so perfect. Through the weeks of preparation when things got tough, I would remember that that bagpipe player was going to be there and that thought cheered me up so many times! My older brother told me we could bury her ashes in the box they delivered her in, but when I saw it, it was black plastic...I just couldn't do it. So Lu and I went to the antique shops in town and we found a vintage carved wooden box with a wintry church scene on the top....and that was what her ashes were buried in. It was that or a martini shaker...and while that would have gotten a laugh out of everyone, I felt it was a little bit of a sick sense of humor. ;o)

Afterward we all went to my nieces house and had a delicious tostada buffet that we all contributed to. We ate and looked through boxes of old pictures. My mom would have loved it.

I had all four of my kids and my ever faithful D there with me and I was so happy about that. I was so proud of all of them. They were funny and friendly, and just so beautiful! It was a wonderful memorable day.

The thing that I saw in my family was that while no one is perfect and everyone has made their fair share of mistakes...they are truly humorous, real, interesting, and have a core of family love that runs very deep.

Annette

Going to church....

2011-09-07T20:36:00.000-07:00

Today I met with the pastor who is doing my mom's service on Friday. We had a nice visit and then he asked *THE* question....."So where are you fellowshipping these days?" My reply...."No where, and its been many years since we have gone to church. God is always working in our lives though....even without church.

This led to this very kind man sharing a lot of his ideas on me and my family "forsaking the assembling together of the saints." I listened politely. He told me if God is telling me to go to church which He clearly is in His word, in this man's opinion, then my job is to bow to His authority. If I am resisting this, I will not be in the will of God. "The body of Christ has many parts and if I am not going I am robbing the body of my contribution.

By the time I left I was so bothered. This conversation is *exactly* why I don't go to church anymore. The whole organized religion thing, the pastor thinking he has the answers for my walk with my God and feeling the freedom and the authority to tell me how to walk that out. The use of guilt. It is like finger nails on a chalk board to me.

I prayed when I got in the car...."Lord, if anything He said is really for me to hear, then open my heart to it." I am open to going to church but not because someone told me to or used guilt as a motivating factor.

He meant well.

I told D about it and he said "You live a life of service! More than most people in church!"

Imo, gathering together can be coffee at Starbucks, praying with another mom whose child is lost or sick, taking care of an elderly person's most private needs and letting them hang onto whatever shred of dignity they can, it is not only with in the walls of a church or the box of a pastor's learned theology.

What has me puzzled is that this hit a nerve with me. It really made me mad. So whats up? Whats going on inside myself? Do I just not like to be told what to do? Am I rebellious?? Am I out of God's will? I think that what I am concluding is that I need to talk this over with God some more and see what He shows me. I am willing to be taught, willing to be changed, willing to learn a new way. I am open. I think that's all I can ask of myself for today....to be willing.

Annette

My younger brother.....

2011-09-06T20:05:00.000-07:00

I wrote a couple years ago about my younger brother here in this post I titled Mending Fences. I did eventually contact him and make an amends for my arrogance and indifference toward him. I explained some about our own journey and how humbled I had been over the years, how heartbroken, and the new concepts and understanding I had been given about addiction and mental illness. I wanted him to know that I was so sorry that I had alienated him for so long with my inattention. True to his nature he forgave me and told me how much he appreciated my words.

Since my mom has passed away I have been in a contact with him several times. He is so so sick. Physically, mentally, spiritually. He called my mom a few times while she was dying and he would talk for a few minutes about his life and what was going on with him. The calls were sporadic..sometimes going several weeks in between. However, once my mom went into the coma stage, she went days and days with no food or water. On the 10th day, my brother called. I put him on speaker phone and told him to tell her that she could go. Bless his heart...in a loud, clear voice, he said, "Mom, I'm good! You don't have to worry about me. You can go and be at peace. I am going to be just fine. I am going to church and I have a lot of positive connections. Its all ok."

She died 6 hours later.

I let him know and we had a good talk and then I didn't hear from him for several weeks. He has a girlfriend that I can check in with and see if he is alive and ok. She recently gave him a message to call me....We had the best conversation. He was coming out of a crisis. Had tried to commit suicide, was committed to the psych ward, but through this was connected with lots of services to help him. He said it was because our mom died, he thought the whole family had disowned him and he was all alone. I assured him that was not the case. He told me about his AA/NA meetings he has been going to. I told him all about my Alanon program and how that had really changed my life over the years. We had this commonality. Something that we could stand on together for however brief a moment. I talked about clinging to sobriety and trusting in God ...just for today. I shared how powerful his words had been to our mom. That he mattered. That it was his words that had set her free to leave this earth. I asked him to please give my contact info to his case managers and social workers in case anything happened to him. He said he would.

Now here we are again, 2 weeks have passed. He was supposed to arrange a ride with my older brother to our mom's funeral which is this Friday. I hear through the girlfriend that he is committed again to the psych ward. I guess my point in sharing this is just how sad it all is. I just needed to get it out. It has gone on for years....28 to be exact. Maybe things will change for him. I don't know. He is yet another person that I put into God's hands and trust like heck that He has got him.

Annette

Mt. Tallac.....my newest, and possibly last, conquest!

2011-09-05T09:51:00.000-07:00

We made it!!!

9 miles round trip, 3300 feet elevation gain, amazing views at the top. It reminded me of childbirth...all of this hard work to get something beautiful in the end. My son told me I needed to control my breathing on the uphill parts, the majority I might add, and all I could think of was my old Lamaze breathing....in through my nose 1,2,3 and out through my mouth 1,2,3.

It was really a hard hike, but today, I am only moderately sore. I think my legs are strong from running up and down the stairs at our 3 level house for all of these years. Whatever I want is always on the opposite floor! The wildflowers and shady streams of snow melt were my favorite part. So beautiful.

Annette

What my mom gave my girl....

2011-08-30T19:22:00.000-07:00

Today H and I went to a dr appointment together. While there, my mom's passing came up and how H had come home to help take care of her. The dr said, "Tell me more about that." So I did. It is a beautiful story of two imperfect women who loved each other.

My mom and H had very similar issues. My mom *got* H in a way I never could. She understood the deep regret and guilt that accompanies the life decisions that they both had made at various times. She had deep compassion for H and would tell me, "She probably hates herself for the things she has done. I know what that feels like." It broke my mom's heart to watch her beautiful grand-daughter make many of the same mistakes she had made. She felt responsible in some irrational way....because she hadn't stopped the cycle, but instead had been a part of perpetuating the cycle to continue for many years.

I think for H to see my mom living a life of sobriety, watching her be compassionate to others, filled with humility, seeing the scars on her body, left over from years of abuse...by herself and others, let H know she isn't the only one. That life, despite its many twists and turns can also be filled with redemption and love. There are also lost dreams and wreckage to deal with, some of it leaves its mark forever....but you can continue to build a life filled with the best of what you have. People who love you. A relationship with God who never leaves your side. You are never alone. You are forgiven much so able to forgive others.

When H was taking care of my mom, and then I would come in to relieve her, my mom would tell me "She has so much good in her heart. She takes *perfect* care of me, paying attention to every detail. She thinks of everything." My mom gave H a chance to rise to the occasion, a chance to shine brightly, to focus on someone else. One day H walked in while I was with my mom. H came around in front of her to say hi and my mom looked up at her and said, "There she is, our Beauty." Soon after my mom went into a coma and then died. What a beautiful blessing of words to leave my girl with. My mom loved my girl.

Today is a good day. I've been reminded of some precious interactions, my girl and I had a decent day together. I am praying that tomorrow will be more of the same. Many blessings to be thankful for.
Annette

Emotional sobriety...

2011-08-27T11:41:00.000-07:00

Last night was a birthday meeting at my home group. There were a lot of birthdays, mine included. 6 years in this program. Part of me feels like "you would think I wouldn't still get tripped up." But I do. I am a mom who loves her girl and its hard to not tread into territory that I don't belong in. The good news is that happens less and less these days. (Ok, I will admit the smug college teacher got me...) However, it is the rare occassion these days, not the norm, by the grace of God.

A fellow member of "the club" whom I adore brought up the topic of emotional sobriety. Awesome topic! I thought of when I first came to this program and how angry I was. How driven by fear I was, I had no awareness of boundaries or limits...mine or others, and all territory was fair game in my world. I was a lunatic. Storming in to liquor stores and confronting the owners about selling alcohol to minors, storming into party houses and hauling my girl home. I cringe when I look back at my behavior. I felt in all honesty though that I was saving her life. I know now that I probably complicated and made things 100 times worse.

As we all shared I was so happy to be able to share some episodes of emotional sobriety. Of times when I could have fallen apart and been consumed by fear.....and I wasn't. Wow. As a child in my alcholic home, I was always known as "high strung" and "sensitive." Uhhhhh yeah. I carried those behaviors into adulthood...frantically trying to control my environment, micro-managing everyone elses behaviors and reactions, telling everyone how to feel and what to do. Knowing that I don't do recovery perfectly but I do the very best I can and having that truly be good enough for today, is emotional sobriety to me.

I have a sponsee right now that I'm not entirely sure how to handle. She has a lot of drama, is loud and opinionated and blustery, and feels like she is so 100% right in the stands that she takes. So I am quiet, I pray for her, I direct her to principles of our program and if she uses them or not is entirely up to her. I will keep meeting with her until she tells me to stop. I care for her deeply but I am able because of this program, to not take her recovery on as my responsibility, as a badge of my skills as a sponsor. To me that is emotional sobriety.

I am so grateful for the changes God has made in my life, for this program that He has directed me to and for all of my fellow travellers.

I am always praying for all of us and our precious ones.

Annette

Be Kind to Others....

2011-08-25T22:07:00.000-07:00

Since this is my blog and I can talk about what I want here... I am going to take advantage of that freedom right now. Just a warning....

School just started. A friend of mine who is a young single mom of a toddler, decided that she would go to school this year. She wants to create a career that will enable her to support her son but allow her to be with him as much as possible and actually raise him. She told me that she asked one of the teachers if she could turn in her work in handwriting. The teacher's reply..."You are in college! NO, I will NOT accept handwritten work. Absolutely not."

He humiliated her. Shamed her for asking. I wanted to punch him when she told me the story. I wanted to explain all the footwork this girl has done to to make this happen for herself. The services she has investigated and applied for using the computer that she is not fluent on at all. The babysitting she has had to arrange, the courage it took to walk through the door of his classroom and put herself out there....only to have him embarrass her. She didn't want to go back...but she did because she is just that kind of a strong person, who won't give up despite some a--h---'s insensitivity.

I told Molly this story and she started to cry. She said, "I know how that feels! Its awful. Your question makes perfect sense to you, but then you realize after you put it out there that you have made a big mistake and you feel like an idiot." She told me about an assignment she had just received. It was posted on the teachers website. She didn't understand it and was asking me what I thought it all meant. I asked her if she could email the teacher or talk to him...."I have emailed him several times with other questions and he has never answered me." She felt like she didn't know what to do and had no one to ask...other than me and I can assure you, I was a useless fount of *non-information.*
I wish that people in general, but today my focus is on college teachers.....could just be nice. Could think about where their students are coming from. They have no idea how much courage it took for my friend and my daughter, both for different reasons, to walk into those rooms. One kind word could be the difference between feeling like they can make it and feeling like it is all too hopelessly huge to conquer.

We just never know the pasts of those we encounter, the terrain they have travelled before our paths crossed. A simple act of kindness can be the difference between putting one foot in front of the other and continuing on, versus stopping altogether and crawling back into our "safe" zone.....whatever that may be.

Ugh....
Annette

My First Mountain Top!!

2011-08-21T18:26:00.000-07:00

I did it. I haven't forgotten my goals of climbing mountains. Today big brother, D, Lu and I hiked to the top of the south peak of Maggies Peak. According to legend, in the 1800's Maggie was a well endowed barmaid at the Tahoe Tavern. It was a relatively short hike...1.6 miles one way but you gained 2000 feet in elevation during that mile and a half. It was steep and I am tired.....BUT I DID IT!!!!

Our view of Lake Tahoe and Emerald Bay

Lu standing on a big rock in Granite Lake.

Lake Tahoe in the background. The smaller lake is Cascade lake.

Progress noted

2011-08-20T11:22:00.000-07:00

During a recent crisis, I realised that I wasn't shaking, I didn't immediately have to go to the bathroom....you have the heard term "scared shitless" ..... and I didn't cry. When attitudes in the er room became tense and rude, I went out to the waiting room and waited out there. Not only that....I went to the dark waiting room, with no tv, no other people and I closed my eyes and rested for awhile. When I brought H home, we each went to our rooms and went right to sleep. I didn't make her sleep with me, I didn't sit awake obsessing over her. I just did what to me was the next right thing. That is miles farther than I used to be. Progress not perfection....thank God!

For today things are better. Thanks to wise words of friends we have a tentative plan of action to proceed with and we will see how all goes.

Praying for us all.....
Annette

The most interesting experience

2011-08-16T23:22:00.000-07:00

I just had the most interesting experience. Molly is struggling as I said earlier. I, as I am so skilled at doing, inserted myself smack into the middle of her life and proceeded to try to control and manipulate to make sure my girl was ok.

The boyfriend and I were "chatting" and I was telling him all that I thought he should be doing that would be helpful for M...and I will admit, I was a little crazy, obsessing, and fear driven. He finally, ever so politely, pushed back and put me in my place. He told me, in not so many words, that my assumption that he needed to be told how to love my daughter was rude and offensive, "even though I know you aren't meaning it to be. It would be like if I told you how to love and care for one of your kids." He assured me that he loves me and thinks I am funny and giving but when I do *this* it makes him not enjoy my company. "It makes me want to shut down and ignore you." And then this line....."you can have a relationship with her, with me, with us together, but not between us."

I have enough Alanon in me (but apparently not nearly enough that I would stay out of trouble) that even though I was incredibly miffed, I said, "I have to think about what you just said." The more I thought about it, the more I realized that he was right and I had overstepped their boundary. I was working outside my hoola hoop, keeping someone elses street clean, not minding my own business. The more I thought about it, I was in awe of his straight forward, limit setting, stay back in your own zone mama, approach.

That last line is a zinger. I can't get in between my grown kids and their partners. As I thought about this, I realized that all of that worry and obsessing and orchestrating to protect Molly from struggle, struggle that is inevitable, is my own form of manipulation. I wanted him to reassure me that he was there for her, that he would help, that he knows how hard it is for her. And he did in his own ways....but his words weren't what I was expecting or wanting, so I tried to make him do it my way. I wanted to feel better. Is that so wrong...but he refused to play my game by my rules.

Ughhhh, so ugly! We were able to clear the air and I think we both walked away feeling heard and more understood with no hard feelings. I hope so. But that last line....I think that will stay with me forever.

"you can have a relationship with her, with me, with us together, but not between us."

Always learning....and most days from the most unlikely teachers....
Annette

Busy busy busy

2011-08-16T11:44:00.000-07:00

D and I NEVER do this, but we went away yesterday and spent the night away from home...we had pedicures (his first...he LOVED it,) got a couples 1 hour massage, then had a delicious dinner out. We spent the evening watching the sun go down over Lake Tahoe and then headed to our quiet and private room where we could lay in bed and listen to the waves hit the shore. It was so nice to be away from all of our chores, from the kids, from the animals that need tending, from the boxes of my mom's stuff to go through...it was so nice to have quiet together in a room that someone else would come in and clean up later on.

Big brother and his girlfriend took Lu camping for the past few days....fishing and hiking and fun.

Lu and I just got back from seeing Molly in S. Ca. She is struggling. Lots of big changes, working full time, school, living with her boyfriend who is a young man, 22 years old. A good good young man, but someone who is also still learning how to be an adult. Together they have their work cut out for them.

School begins tomorrow and Lu and I are really excited. Lots of positive changes, 2 new teachers, group projects, loads of neat electives, new kids, new schedule, and Lu still will go 2 days a week. One more year of part time homeschooling.

As to H, she has been gone for several days. I hope she comes home soon and is ok.

Life is getting back to "normal." I start working again this week. One of my clients passed away while I was caring for my mom, so my work load is very manageable for right now. Lu and I will get our routine going and it will feel good. I will be able to be back at my Friday night home group meeting on a consistent basis and that will feel good too. Slowly, methodically, I am gaining momentum for this new season of life.

Annette

Quick Changes....

2011-08-09T21:54:00.000-07:00

It always amazes me how fast everything can change from good to not-so-good. In the blink of an eye, a heartbeat, it goes in an *unexpected* direction. How can it be unexpected? I let my guard down. I dared to hope and as my honest and forthright Alanon friend said when I called her to help me process, she said, "You felt hope and then you started to plan, but they aren't your plans to make."

She also said, "You can't sit on the park bench under the pigeon tree and then get upset when the pigeons poop on you. Thats what pigeons do."

And...."Nothing changes until something changes....so what do you want to do?"

I am a little ashamed that I am feeling guilty and am second guessing my boundary. How quickly I have been shaken and how stupid I feel. Its not like I haven't been here before.

This to shall pass...and we will regain our footing and keep on with our journey. But it sure did take me by surpise. For me, I still fall into the trap of one good day, one good month, equaling forever....just maybe.

Annette
PS: As an aside, nothing horrifying has happened. Just a misjudgment, a boundary set, and a reaction to the boundary.

It is done

2011-08-06T22:01:00.000-07:00

I spent today going through my mom's house and all of her stuff. I have been crying off and on all day. My mom and I had gone through so much together through out my life time. She led a life from the moment of her conception filled with many hurdles and struggles and pain. As she got older some of it was her own doing, some of it though, she was the victim of...plain and simple.

While I was in her house I was thinking of the last weeks we shared there. Thanks to my Higher Power and to what I have learned in Alanon, I was able to give her a beautiful passing. It is probably one of the most profound experiences of my life. To be with the person who gave me my first breath while she took her last breath is no small thing. Despite the struggles she faced through out her 83 years she was able to leave this earth in peace, being well cared for, never alone, and surrounded by love.

I am so proud of her for the dignity she showed. There was no drama, no whining, no milking it for all it was worth....and really if there was ever a time, I would think that this was it. She bravely made choices along the way to continue her journey and not to impede its progress. She faced her fears, her relationships were clear, and she was able to go with nothing hanging on to her spirit.

I miss her a lot today.
Annette

What I learned from my mama...

2011-07-29T11:52:00.000-07:00

1. Always wear clean underwear! You just never know what a day may hold.

2. No one is perfect.

3. People need to learn how to forgive and be forgiven. Forgiving one's own self is probably the hardest part of forgiveness...ever.

4. It is only by the grace of God that any of us don't do more damage than we have already done.

5. Broken people deserve compassion.

6. The crabbiest person probably needs a friend the most.

7. Behaviors are symptoms of something deeper...look beyond the symptoms.

8. Always be honest. That way you never have to keep track of your story and wonder what you told to who.

9. Give to others, share what you have.

10. Acceptance sets us free.

11. Be responsible and reliable in all that you do, a person of your word.

12. If you never want to paint the interior of your house, move every 2 years.

R.I.P Mama. You are loved.

8/16/1927 - 7/28/2011

A Word of Advice....

2011-07-21T13:48:00.000-07:00

If anyone thinks it may fall to them to care for their aging parents, begin getting help in before you actually need it. Even if its just someone who comes and cleans 2x a month.

We waited too long to get help for my mom because I could do it all you know! In hindsight it would have been better to have had someone in place that she was familiar with to share this time with us. Obviously bringing someone in now isn't an option. We probably have days left in our journey and I wouldn't do that to her. When she was coherent the thought of someone new whom she didn't know made her anxious. At this point I don't want her to be afraid of anything.

What has brought this home to me, is that yesterday was a *really* hard day. Hospice believes in giving strong narcotics for pain up to every hour if needed. I of course feel like I am medicating my mom to death so I had her on a slim med regime. I was medicating her but a small dose (the nurse called it a mouse tear) every 4 hours. If I moved her arm so her elbow could be on a pillow or I turned her to avoid pressure sores, she yelled and moaned. It was horrible! And I felt like an idiot because I am supposed to know how to do all of this. I do know how to do all of this...but this is my mom and deep deep inside are still those issues of not wanting her to use too many chemicals. Not wanting her drugged out of her mind.

Bless our aides heart....she walked in and I told her what was going on and I started crying and she started crying and she said, "Oh honey, you have to do it. You don't want her to die a painful death." She gave me the courage to do what I need to do. She is so sweet and so nurturing and I am letting her nurture me and my mom and help me through this. She gives me the time to just be the daughter and not have to have any answers or figure anything out.

I feel like my judgment is all askew. I look at my mom and I think, "Is she really as close as I think she is, or am I being dramatic?" I feel like I'm not sure of myself the way I usually am. I told our nurse..."don't watch me! This is not a good representation of my skills!" She laughed. I want Hospice to hold my hand and walk me through it all like I have never done it before.

I guess the bottom line is that I am feeling a bit afraid.....
Annette

Lots of emotional work

2011-07-19T18:14:00.000-07:00

My mom is doing a lot of emotional work right now. I have brought my God box over, a hand made round box a friend made for me with 2 big hands holding an open butterfly in the center. Around the outside it says, "courage," "serenity," and "wisdom." I am going to begin to gently talk to her about placing some of her concerns inside.

One of my siblings called and made peace with her. It was a truly beautiful conversation.

To feel so undeserving of forgiveness... what torment. Forgiving ourselves has to be one of the hardest things there is to do.

My H has been trying to get in to see a new psych dr. all within the same HMO system, just a different area. She had to jump through their hoops of being referred by her current dr who she saw one time months ago. She waited for that referral, waited for them to call her back, with the instructions, "if you don't hear from us in 48 hours, call us back." She called back on the third day. Waited for an appointment to be mailed to her. It arrived and is set for the middle of August. A whole month away.

Her response, "You would think they would have better procedures in the crazy people dept."

I offered to call them with her beside me to confirm that I have her permission to "interfere" and let them know that she needs to be seen sooner than 32 days from now. I explained that she could tell them its an emergency...but no. "Emergency" means I'm ready to kill myself or hurt someone else...thats not the case mom." Emergency to *me* means my girl is suffering daily to just get out of bed and try to stay clean. Some days she makes it, and some days she doesn't.

God hang on to her. Please.
Annette

Acceptance of what is....

2011-07-17T22:30:00.000-07:00

Acceptance of what is sets us free to live through each day as it comes. To enjoy what we can and to find our way through the obstacles.

I watch my mom decline and she has accepted that this is the direction she is going in. She doesn't fight it, she doesn't complain, she enjoys her awake moments and sleeps when she needs to, which is becoming the majority of each day. She drinks homemade strawberry milkshakes and rootbeer floats and savors each sip.

She has been really emotional today. She has woken up with giant sobs coming from deep inside of her. She has called me "Mom" and "Mother" several times, then she looks at me and realizes what she has said and that its not right. I asked her if she was thinking about her mom a lot. She said, "yes." I wonder if her mom is near by letting her know she is not alone, that its safe to go. I asked her if she was feeling mixed up at all and she said, "No! Of course not!" lol At one point I heard her crying and I went to her and asked what was wrong..."I couldn't find you."

Her bp was up today and I asked her if she wanted to take one of her bp meds to bring it down...."Well I kind of made up my mind not to take any more of that." So I gave her a calming med to just soothe everything and slow down her heart rate.

She is laboring to leave this earth.

I have a client who I have taken a leave from until I am done with my mom, who just entered Hospice on Friday. She is not letting go though. She is not ready and is so conflicted and confused as to what is the right choice. Medically and physically speaking Hospice is the definte best choice...emotionally and spiritually though, she isn't there. I went to see her yesterday while H sat with my mom. I got to talk to her about acceptance, about letting go and letting God. About the freedom that comes when we can acknowledge that we can't add one day to our lives if we truly believe that God is in charge and we aren't. She listened. Her husband said as I left, "Let go and let God...that is where we are I guess. That is what we have to do."

Leaving this earth requires a lot of inner work. A lot of trust, acceptance, and letting go. It is a spiritual journey in the truest sense. Acceptance of what is, transforms a sad situation into just a part of life that we make our way through with grace and humor and love. Its all good.

Annette

Pass It on

2011-07-17T08:50:00.000-07:00

Dave Harm who runs the website Creating Dreams...from the nightmares of hell, gave me this award. Thank you so much. I hope you will check out his site...very informative.

I got a break today!

2011-07-15T21:21:00.000-07:00

My hilarious and very sweet niece came to spend the day with her g-ma so I could have a break. I showed her everything to do, how to do the transfer to the potty, and back to the chair, how to use the sheet to pull her up in the chair, what she can eat, what meds are used for what ailments....then I left. For 5 hours. My first real break in 2 weeks.

I took Lu and her friend and two other little family friends to Taco Bell for lunch and then to the park. Then we went thrift store shopping. Each child got a budget of 3.00 and I had so much fun watching them figure out how to stay within their budget. They were adorable!! They were good shoppers coming away with a dress each, the little boy picked a pair of pajama pants, some toys, a board game...no one ever pushed for more or begged. All were grateful, and working together to help each other find the perfect treasure. It was just precious. It was such a great day!

It reminded me of back in the day when everywhere I went I had 4 or more kids tagging along. I would go to the dentist and have a baby nursing or sitting on my lap while I had my teeth cleaned.

I didn't realize how much I needed a break until I was smack in the middle of it and was having so much fun and it was feeling so good and I could think back to home and g-ma and realized that I was back to feeling grateful for this opportunity to serve my mom in her last days.

My precious niece has committed to come every Friday to give me a break. My gratitude runs very deep.
Annette

No, I am not a saint, damnit!

2011-07-14T13:18:00.000-07:00

This is not always easy. Some days are really challenging as a matter of fact. For all of my talk about peace and calm...I find myself struggling on some days. Struggling with old baggage.... that I thought I had let go of, struggling with resentments for unmet expectations of others...that I thought I had let go of, struggling to let other's be responsible for their own choices...something I thought I had let go of!

My sponsee called me this morning and asked me to read our daily reading aloud to her from Hope For Today. A total God thing.

This is what I found ~

Hope For Today - July 14:
"God grant me the serenity....." as I sit in the sunlight streaming through my kitchen window, I ask myself "What is serenity?" It's related to my understanding of my higher Power, who is kind, gentle, understanding, and the source of serenity itself. The thread of striving to love myself in the same kind and serene manner inw hich my HP loves me runs through my Alanon program. My perception of serenity is also related to part of a dictionary definition of "serene" I once came across: "a title of honor, respect, or reverence, used in speaking of or to certain members of royalty."

My serenity manifests in several ways. Whenever I realize I'm thinking of myself or others with less than the honor, respect, and reverence due to a child of god. I practice being kind and gentle. I seek to expland my enjoyment of nature's beauty. I allow a gentle kiss on my cheek or on the top of my head to fill my heart and nurture my soul. I strive to talk my problems over with someone else without judging myself or others.I feel and express my emotions and allow others to do the same, practicing detachment if necessary. I remind myself that its okay not to know everything. I pray for the ability to accept myself as a child of a loving Higher Power whose forgiveness is unlimited.

Thought for the Day:
How can I work my program to increase the posssibility of feeling serene?

"Serenity isn't freedom from the storms of life. It's the calm in the middle of the storm that gets me through. It's up to me to try to keep this calm, when the storm gets worse."
Alateen - a day at a time. p.30

Old movies about alcoholism

2011-07-11T13:28:00.000-07:00

Yesterday my mom and I watched "I Will Cry Tomorrow" with Susan Hayward and "Days of Wine and Roses" with Jack Lemmon and Lee Remick. Old movies are so dramatic and there was lots of tragedy and sadness and falling around. My mom laughed at those parts and I felt sick. It was interesting to watch our different reactions.

The thing I loved though was that each movie showed AA in action. The Serenity Prayer was quoted, some of the slogans, there was an "open" AA meeting where people with 6 months or less shared their stories. It was in the 50's and 60's so this was old time AA, lots of smoking and drinking coffee. Lots of hospitality and availability.

It all reminded me of the AA meetings I used to go to with my mom when I was little. I was maybe 4 years old. Everyone smoked and there was a red coke-a-cola machine there. The kind with the bottle opener built into the side. I would get to have a glass bottle of soda from that machine at each meeting. I can remember some of the stories. I remember some of my mom's friends and I would hear stories of the tragedy that alcohol had brought into their lives.

My mom slept a lot yesterday and so far today has been asleep all day. She is refusing her meds now. Death from kidney failure is known as a "gentle death." The patient will sleep more and more and finally just not wake up. She and I have talked about it and we both agree, what a beautiful way to go.

There is a breeze blowing and the temp has dropped to the mid 80's. It is absolutely gorgeous outside! Since I am here at home and not able to go far, I am sitting outside drinking iced tea under the giant umbrella, reading my book. I *never* have the time to do that. I feel like its a gift my mom is giving to me. Calm and peace and time to rest alongside her while she works her way forward toward her goal.

Many blessings....
Annette

Gratitude List

2011-07-07T10:22:00.000-07:00

Molly got a job in her new town with interviews and possibilities for others...she gets to *choose* which one is best suited to what she would like to do. Molly is looking forward to starting school...this is unheard of!

Her boyfriend texts me these adorable pictures of them having fun fishing, good healthy food she has cooked for them, paint colors they are painting in their apt, a PUPPY they would like adopt!!! and I can be quiet and let them figure that one out...they are happy and safe.

My mom told me this morning she feels safe and like everything is under control. She doesn't have to worry about anything.

Hospice sent out a wonderful Jewish/Christian chaplain who was able to share a message of God's grace and forgiveness with her....she said, "I think I'm ok now. I feel calm and peaceful now like Jesus will have me because He is a loving and forgiving God." I pray she feels herself being held in His arms and that He carries her away when the time is right.

My husband is such a faithful life partner. He has set me free to do whatever I need to do to take care of my mom. That includes stopping working, leaving all of my responsibilities at my own house for others to take care of, taking care of pets he could care less about owning, he spends good quality time with Lu, taking her hiking, swimming, playing video and board games with her, so she isn't completely neglected. He supports me in what I feel I need to do. He lovingly and firmly works with H, bringing her along, setting boundaries, and never stops hoping.

I am grateful that I can look at my idea that God has a bigger plan at work here with H being home and my mom dying under my care, and *know* that sometimes His bigger plans don't go the way I think they will. Most of the time in fact...just when I think I have it figured out, I realize I don't and I *still* have to rely on my faith in God to do what He does best...which is run my life and the lives of those I love, when we let Him.

I am grateful for all of my blogger friends because when I can't get out to a meeting or see friends or work like I am used to on a daily basis, I get to read all of your words of wisdom, all of your stories of "life on the outside," and be encouraged that our HP is working in each of your lives too!

Many blessings to all of you....
Annette

Regret

2011-07-05T17:31:00.000-07:00

I did delete my last post....I felt like it came across like a whiny rant and I also don't want to cause any more hurt where there is obviously plenty. So I took it down....however, I do appreciate the responses that I got through private email and on my earlier posts.

I am thinking these days about regret. My mom has some regrets and I have to say that that is the saddest part of this whole process. Watching her feel guilty and hoping that all is forgiven and being shocked at the love being shown to her, feeling so undeserving....is sad. I assure her that her mistakes were her greatest teachers. They turned her into a humble, compassionate, woman who was open to everyone. This is a woman who worked for 30 years in the heart of a crime filled city. This is a woman who was a single mom, who got up early every morning and packed extra sandwiches to hand out to the homeless people she saw each day. "There for the grace of God go I" I would hear her say. I didn't understand that saying until many years later. Now I find it absolutely beautiful. Knowing that the only good things in me are God given. I rely on God's grace everyday.

H had a rough day a couple days ago. The next day she cleaned my house all day and then cooked a beautiful dinner and brought a plate over to me at g-ma's house. Messing up, then trying to right our wrongs by doing good. What a crazy making cycle. Like being a hamster on a wheel. Running and running trying to right our wrongs. For me my running was always about trying to be "good enough."

What a blessing to *finally* come to an awareness that I am able to rest in God's hands, just like my mama and my H can. We all have a place that we can stop and experience unconditional love and acceptance through God's grace. A place where we can lay down our regrets and leave them behind and experience forgiveness and freedom. I pray for that for my mom and my girl.

Annette

Progression

2011-07-02T13:48:00.000-07:00

On Thursday my mom could get herself up and out of her chair and to the bathroom. On Friday she couldn't. She is eating very little and only sipping fluids to moisten her dry mouth.

Her cat Sasha lays curled up on the arm of her chair 24/7, not leaving her side. When the Hospice nurse came Sasha jumped down but sat right next to the chair watching everything.

Yesterday was a day of visitors and phone calls. My best friend brought my mom's best friend "Joyce" to see her. Such a precious visit. My mom started crying when she saw her friend. Both "girls" are such characters. Joyce held her hand and said "No no no....now you will eat and drink your fluids and you will get stronger." My mom told her no, not this time. They had always joked about who would go first. Joyce is five years older...my mom said, "You lose. Too bad you can't pack up and come with me so I don't have to go alone." Joyce said, "I wish...I'm ready!" She wants to get to her 89th birthday though...."can you wait just a few weeks?"

Joyce was stoic and strong through the whole visit until it was time to leave. Then she started to cry...we made her promise to come back soon for another visit. These girls have been partners in crime for many years now. When Joyce could no longer drive and began getting confused and forgetful, my mom made it her mission to get them where they needed to be. Until eventually my mom no longer drove....then they relied on my dear friend and myself to be their drivers. Such a precious and often hilarious friendship.

My H is still here. We were talking a couple of nights ago and I was telling her how out of everyone who could have been here with me, I am so blessed that it is her. What a gift to have my daughter by my side as we help my mom, her grandma, transition out of this life. She said, "I was thinking about that too, but I was thinking 'out of everyone who could have been here, she got me." I assured her that I feel so so blessed and that I believe deep in my heart that her being the one, is part of a much bigger plan. It is such a God thing. Something I couldn't have orchestrated if I had tried.

Nothing is perfect. But she and I are doing the best we know how to do. When H is herself she is a quiet and peaceful person. Calm and thoughtful, empathetic and intuitive. I am seeing more and more of that girl each day.

When you know what to look for, dying within the love and care of your family, with the people you are closest to and who all love each other the most despite they're imperfections, can be a beautiful thing.

Annette

My mama

2011-06-29T17:46:00.000-07:00

My mom's kidneys are failing. She will be in Hospice by next week. While I have been resentful of having to take care of her at times, now I just want to be here with her and make sure she is comfortable.

She is practical and funny. She had me go through her important papers today and make a list of who I need to call when she goes. She showed me the phone numbers and said, "Pray I die on the right day so you can keep my retirement check for that month."

We were talking and I said, "Well you will get to see Jesus soon." She said, "I hope so, I feel like I have walked away from Him this past year. I hope He will have me. Jeeessuss, I'm back."

"Well I guess I can stop worrying about getting Alzheimer's."

Of all the people to walk through this with me, my H is by my side. She is clear headed and clear eyed and she is here, everyday, doing whatever needs to be done. I am in awe. There have been a couple temper flare ups, but for the most part, while everyone else goes about their business she is serving her g-ma and myself with love and humility. I don't know how long it will last, maybe to the end...her intent is to stay through. Maybe until tomorrow morning.... but I will gratefully accept whatever she is able to give me. I have a feeling that her being here is a part of a much bigger picture, a bigger plan, something of which I can't see or understand, but can trust that my HP, God, has it all under control.

I have cared for many people as they have passed from this life, but never a close family member. It is an entirely different experience. I look at my mom and where I am usually confident and know what the next step is, I wonder if I am doing enough, am I making the right decisions on her behalf?

I'm sure I will be back here often, processing the happenings in my life. I'm sad. I thought I would be relieved to have her go, but I am really really sad to see her go. I will miss her.

Annette

Resentments and Forgiveness....

2011-06-24T17:09:00.000-07:00

Below are two links on recently written blogs that I read. Both wrote about resentments and forgiveness on the same day. I read one and went directly into the next....it was so timely and the words so full of wisdom that I wanted to share with my readers also.

Through An Alanon Filter
One Day At a time...Through My Eyes

I am working on accepting life as it is. Not holding people (and myself) in bondage to my resentments for unmet expectations. I am working at accepting the limitations of other people's hurt souls and not adding to their pain with my own anger and frustration at their inability to do what I think is best. I mean really...maybe there is a far larger picture that I am unaware of. My job is to walk in forgiveness and be open and available when God opens the door for me to serve and accept others and not fight the process.

Annette

Life is full and imperfectly good today

2011-06-18T07:58:00.000-07:00

Molly graduated and it was wonderful. We had our party with our old friends...mamas that I was pregnant with and the babies grew up together, all took their various paths through 12 years of schooling with it culminating in their graduation day. All back together yet again. Such a special day.

G-ma came home from the skilled nursing facility on Monday and has needed pretty much full time care ever since. My mom has 5 children....all for one reason or another are not able to help. The ones who are able, refuse. My older sister has let me know that she will not come up. She told me that I have a houseful of people who can help me, she is not giving up her vacation week to come and help get our mom settled. She is busy cleaning out closets at her own house. I was seething. So enraged and so angry and so hurt. As I coached my faithful husband who stands by my side on how much "we" hate her and "we" will not invite her up to stay ever again and this is it, I don't care if I ever speak to her again....I hear Lu in the background. "Uhhhmmm, what about that paper you have hanging in the bathroom by the mirror that says, Annette is slow to anger, Annette is quick to forgive, Annette doesn't hold grudges...."

1 Corinthians 13. The "love" chapter. One time, not too long ago, I read a blog at Sober Julie's on this scripture and where the word "love" was used she inserted her name. At that particular moment, I thought this was just such a grand idea that I typed up my own copy and hung it by the mirror as a daily reminder of what I could aim to be. As I was gaining momentum in my thundering blast off of anger, my little Lu grabbed my ankle and pulled me back to earth with her words. Humbling, grateful, calming. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change.....

So with that said, I want my mom home. I want her to be able to die in her own little space if that is what the future holds for her. If not, I want her to recover and get stronger in her own little space until her time does come. What has unfolded has truly been humbling and made me feel surrounded by love.

My co-workers, wonderful women I have shared jobs with before, have contacted me offering to help. Past clients, adult children of parents I have cared for as they have died, have contacted me volunteering to sit with her so I can spend time with Lu. Molly spent the first few nights with her and took care of her in the mornings until I could get home from work. My H spent all last weekend cleaning and clearing with me to get g-ma's house ready for her to come home. She came back yesterday and said she can stay as long as I need her and she is willing to do anything. She spent yesterday checking on g-ma, making her food to eat, and she cleaned my house which is no small feat. Cleared off the deck, transplanted a plant that someone had brought for g-ma into a nice pot, friends are taking Lu to have fun, and my D....while I was at work, got up in the middle of the night to help g-ma who was part in and part out of the bed. Not strong enough to pull herself all the way up. (Thus the need for Molly's night time help) He helped her to the bathroom and helped get her settled back in bed. He came home early Thursday and took Friday off to help me get everything done that needs doing around here. He said he is hoping that he and H can take over the cooking of dinner each night.

I am so proud of my family right now. Perfectly imperfect human beings who love each other.

Molly moved yesterday. I will miss her for however long she is gone. I told her I am already planning my first visit. I will give her a month to settle in and then there I will be! lol I was telling her boyfriend how much I will miss her and he replied, "You can come down anytime you want to. She is going to miss you too." Maybe this will be her future and maybe not....but for now, she is good. She is happy and in love and with a seemingly good partner.

With a grateful heart...
Annette