God is stirring the pot in my life, digging deep and unearthing my "stuff." Painful, scary, uncertain of how to proceed....but one thing I am certain of is that this is MY deal. This is not about one other person, not my kids, not my hubs, not my parents....this is my stuff that I need to figure out and deal with. There is no blame to be placed anywhere.
My most recent trigger you ask? A family wedding over the weekend. A beautiful and fun day, a dinner cruise around our beautiful Lake Tahoe...I was so proud of my adult kids and their partners and my little one who was so poised and friendly. My long time husband by my side...it really was a great day in every way. However, for me, the whole day of watching the drinking was too much. My two adult kids drank quite a bit, I felt. Of course anything more than the champagne toast is too much in my opinion. There was no slurred speech, no poor behavior, no nothing. Nothing bad happened. They were beautiful and charming and friendly and funny.....but as the day wore on, I was counting drinks and getting quieter and quieter and could feel my eyes begin to water. It took a tremendous amount of effort (Herculean) to keep smiling and acting like everything was great! My sweet husband knew but graciously didn't say a word. If he had I would have lost it.
I spent yesterday crying, all day. It just was coming out of me. Even when I took a deep breath and willed myself to stop, the tears just kept squeezing their way through. I drove my girl home from her weekend pass....she did not attend the wedding, and I cried and cried and told her I felt ridiculous. Nothing bad happened. This is an irrational response. Her gracious and kind reply....."Oh Mom, its all just a deep deep fear trigger for you. Maybe you could talk to your sponsor about it." Then she laughed because the irony of her telling me to talk to my sponsor was pretty funny...and pretty great!
I went to a meeting last night on my way home from the city and I cried through the whole darn thing. I kept telling myself "this is a safe place to cry" because I was mortified! Finally it was my turn to share and I shared my upset and I cried through my whole share. The good thing is that everyone got it. I wasn't alone. Lots of nodding heads, lots of hugs afterward. One woman said, "Your safe now. Its ok to cry and let it all out." They understood my irrational response.
During the meeting a woman shared after me and she said, "Those of us who have lived with people who check out through alcohol or drugs have been in war zones. There is very real trauma associated with the experiences we have had. Its like being raped....you may never completely get over it."
I hate to compare what I have been through to what a soldier in combat has gone through. I really don't believe that can be accurate and it feels disrespectful to our soldiers. However, I have seen and lived through years of violence and fear and chaos and anger and threats and that has quite obviously left its mark on me.The last half of her share....being raped and maybe you never get over something like that...did resonate. Rape is a terrifying and dehumanizing act of violence. I have not been raped, but I have lived through and with terrifying and dehumanizing acts of violence many times. My heart is pounding just typing that sentence.
As a young adult I did some "adult child" work....but I really couldn't stomach "the poor little wounded girl" deal or the victim mentality that went along with it. I skipped that part of recovery for many years. About 27 to be exact. lol I think the difference now, is that I had the privilege of walking with my mom (my very first alcoholic) as she left this earth. A lot of healing took place there for the both of us. A lot. It was a miraculous time for she and I....not because we had all of these hard feelings, but it was just a beautiful time of tying up loose ends, sharing our hearts, giving and receiving forgiveness, acknowledging that she could leave this earth free and in peace because her slate was clean. *Our* slate was clean.
What I am currently going through is not birthed from anger. It is not about blaming or writing letters to my dead parents, its about healing those scary ghosts that I have buried and avoided looking at, its about digging those roots out so that I can be free and at peace. It is scary as all hell... I am not too afraid of feeling it all, I don't think at least, but I am afraid of crying for days and days and not stopping. I am upping my meetings, but I am also thinking of finding a new therapist to talk to. I don't know that I can do this by myself.
I am amazed that one can be walking along with everything going just fine, relatively speaking, and WHAM! God decides, "Today is the day Love! We are digging in!"
Lets all keep praying....