traditional church

I come from a "holy-roller" background. Well let me back up here....

When I was little my mom was searching. She has told the story as that she was empty and she was searching for something. She went to lots of different churches on Sundays and drank all week. When I look back at that, it is sad. She was right.... she was empty and lost and was trying to find her way. We went to traditional churches, we became Jehovah's Witness' for a few years....all I remember about that is no more Christmas or birthday celebrations and we had to go "door to door."

The way she told the story was that she started reading the Bible, not the JW Bible but the non-denominational Holy Bible I guess, and she found discrepancies from what she was being taught that bothered her. She stopped going and eventually some men came to the door and explained to her that she was now "dis-fellowshipped.." She said, she understood and thank you for letting her know. She never was angry or hurt by that but instead explained that they were living according to their conscience and doing what they felt they had to do.

Then she found a bible study group of ex-JW's and they were all going to a church that met in a park. This was back in 1974....I was 10 years old. That church played guitars under the trees and sang and some of the beautiful hippie girls with their long flowing hair and their long Gunny-Saks dresses and bare-feet, danced! I spent the next 14 years in that church. I got married there, I had my first two kids there. During my childhood my mom and I lived in a communal house there....yes, I lived in a commune! lol I blogged about that time in my life here.

Through the years D and I have watched churches split, D has been an elder and on church worship teams, we have watched people behave deceitfully, be social climbers...only in church it is who is the most spiritual, heard some *high and lofty* spiritual aspirations that I never could live up to. Those years were filled with a lot of guilt for me. I was never doing enough. I translated what the expectations of the people were, into being the expectations of God for me. I was never enough. My kids were never well behaved enough....I was to have complete control over them. Expecting a 2 or 3 year old to sit through a church service without fussing or wiggling was the norm. I secretly felt like it was child abuse....and felt guilty because I wasn't of like mind and I certainly couldn't get my wild little banshees to perform like that.

Anyway, there was a lot of law. A lot of performance....and the congregation was always watching and would speak "the truth" into your life. Their truth. In Alanon, one of the most beautiful gifts I have received is the idea that God can manage speaking the truth into his children's lives without my help. I can share my experience, strength and hope and thats about it.

During these years there was a lot of "free worship." There was no liturgy or structure really....everything was "spirit led."

When I first went to Alanon the structure really bothered me. No cross talk, reading the same material week after week, meeting after meeting...how could anyone's needs be met when there was no room for their needs to even be acknowledged. It was all so rote and so legalistic it seemed. It took me more than a year of attending meetings to finally be at peace with that structure. To understand the safety that the structure provided. A fellow Alanonic explained that when people first come through these doors, their lives are usually in chaos, filled with fear and heartbreak. They come into the rooms of Alanon and they know the doors will always be open, and the routine the same. It is something they can count on in the midst of their own personal chaos. The readings and no cross-talk rule provide a safety net from the meeting being swept away with one person's emotions or personal bend.

With that said, I have not been to church in probably 18 years now. I have a deep life sustaining faith though, but I have not been able to stomach organized religion for a very long time. Lately though, I have been thinking about what it would be like to go to a denominational church where there is a liturgy and structure and where I can be a part of a group who serves their community not based on their behavior but based instead on the fact that the lost, the homeless, the marginalized, are children of God too.

I do believe that  living with the structure of Alanon in my life for these past 6 years has bridged a gap for me. It has taught me that structure is not bad. It can be really very healthy, and we can partake in a structured system without becoming robots in our personal life. Structure can lead to our freedom.

So I am thinking. I haven't done anything yet....obviously, I am sitting here on a Sunday morning blogging about my thoughts, but no action. Soon maybe.

God bless each of us and our kids.....
Annette

PS: Though my mom struggled through the years, she did find a God who loves her and she found forgiveness and grace....as much as she was able to receive.  She was her own biggest obstacle. I believe at the end, her journey was made complete and she knew that she was fully accepted by her children and her God. She is who introduced me to needing a God in my own life as a young child and for that I am grateful.