Processes....

I am discovering that life is full of processes. We are always in the process of changing, growing, working through obstacles and challenges and finding our way to serenity. Its doesn't just happen. I know...I am a little slow on the uptake. Here I am at 45 years old and I am just discovering this phenomenon. What a relief this realization has been these past few days. It is a very rare thing that just comes together with little effort and falls into place.

I am seeing this play out in my relationship with my friend's girls who I have 3 days a week. It has been 6 months since my friend passed away. During those 6 months our relationships have changed and grown. In the beginning I had an expectation, a vision for how I wanted things to be. It was a lovely vision of course with me nurturing and loving everyone, never getting impatient, everything flowing, never being rushed, all of us gathered around the table to do crafts, and me being able and ready to tend to everyone's needs.

Of course what I got was a lot different. I had 3 little girl's after school schedules to juggle, homework, dinner, a myriad of personality combination's, emotions and feelings and a cut off time of 7:00 when I had to leave for work.

What I have ended up with 6 months later are 3 little girls who are learning to work together. Who are working with me to cook dinner, to straighten up the living room, to put away toys, who are content to play either together or apart, who can give another person their space without it being a big drama. Little Lou is graciously (most of the time) sharing her territory and her mom.

It occurred to me that its a process that we have been in. Adjusting to the loss of my friend and their mom. If I had reacted based on my early feelings of grief and wondering how on earth I would ever be able to comfort these girls and work out the relationships and the schedules and get everyone everywhere they needed to be, and not let my own little girl fall by the wayside, deal with the drama of H, and be available to Molly, I would not be doing this today. I would have missed out on all the good that has transpired. All of the learning and the love that has been shared. All because I gave up on the process.

Recognizing this has given me hope for other processes I am in in my life. The process of healing and rebuilding in my marriage, my recovery, my relationship with H, with my own mother, with each of my other children, my work relationships, my friendships...it has shown me that just because something might be hard doesn't mean its a bad fit or something I should eliminate from my life.

This insight has helped me to be patient with all of the processes in my life. Knowing that though I may feel like I am treading water today, tomorrow, or the next day, or the next week or month or year, I might turn a corner and see real progress. Just for today and one step at a time I can faithfully make it through any process I find myself in. I can get to the other side of anything, even things that scare me, or take away my strength and leave me feeling drained, things that leave me grief stricken and heart broken, I can find my way through to the other side.

Annette